16 Ways Your Divorce Was Probably As Dysfunctional As Your Marriage

16 Ways Your Divorce Was Probably As Dysfunctional As Your Marriage

Divorces are often framed as the solution to a broken relationship, but sometimes the dysfunction of a marriage doesn’t disappear when the papers are signed. In many cases, the habits, behaviors, and toxic patterns that made the marriage unbearable continue to play out in the divorce itself. Here are 16 brutal truths that might just confirm your divorce was as dysfunctional as the marriage that led to it.

1. You Were Locked Into A Game Of Emotional Manipulation

Manipulative behaviors—whether it’s guilt-tripping, gaslighting, or playing the victim—don’t magically disappear after a breakup. If your divorce was filled with emotional mind games, it’s a clear sign that the toxic dynamics of your marriage were still in play. According to Verywell Mind, emotional manipulation in relationships can include tactics like gaslighting, passive-aggressive behavior, and playing the victim. These behaviors often persist even after a breakup, making the divorce process more painful and dysfunctional.

These behaviors don’t just make the process more painful—they keep both parties stuck in a cycle of dysfunction. A clean break requires recognizing and stepping away from manipulation, not letting it define your post-marriage interactions.

2. Your Communication Was A High-Speed Train Wreck

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Remember those long, drawn-out arguments where nothing ever got resolved? If your post-marriage conversations felt eerily similar, it’s a red flag. Whether it was hostile text messages or complete radio silence, poor communication habits from your marriage likely carried over into the divorce process. A study published in the Journal of Divorce & Remarriage found that communication problems were cited by 70% of divorcing couples as a major contributor to their split. Poor communication habits from the marriage often carry over into the divorce process, making negotiations more difficult.

Divorces require clear, direct, and sometimes difficult conversations, especially when kids or assets are involved. If those talks were full of misunderstandings, passive-aggressive comments, or outright avoidance, it’s a sign that the dysfunction wasn’t left behind when you parted ways.

3. You Both Had A “Winning” Mentality That Turned Things Ugly

If your divorce felt like a courtroom drama where the goal was to “win” rather than to move forward, that’s a sure sign of dysfunction. Turning the process into a competition—whether over custody, property or even who got to keep the dog—suggests that the unhealthy dynamics of your marriage bled into your separation. As noted by McKinley Irvin Family Law, approaching divorce with a competitive mentality can be especially challenging and counterproductive. When one or both parties see divorce as a competition to “win,” it often leads to more conflict and less equitable resolutions.

Healthy divorces focus on fairness and mutual resolution. But when one or both parties can’t let go of the need to come out on top, the divorce becomes just another battleground. And let’s be honest, nobody really wins when the goal is to make the other person lose.

4. Your Kids Became Pawns In Your Battle

If you found yourselves using your children as bargaining chips or tools to hurt each other, it’s a heartbreaking sign of just how toxic things got. Turning custody battles into emotional warfare doesn’t just harm your ex—it leaves lasting scars on your kids. The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry emphasizes that children do better when parents can minimize conflict and cooperate during divorce. Using children as bargaining chips or to hurt the other parent can have lasting negative effects on their well-being.

A functional divorce prioritizes the well-being of children above all else. But if fights over visitation schedules or decision-making were less about what’s best for the kids and more about scoring points against each other, the dysfunction of your marriage clearly found a new stage.

5. Your Finances Became Ammunition

Money is a common source of tension in marriages, and divorces often bring those financial resentments to the forefront. If you spent more time arguing over who deserved what than actually resolving your finances, it’s a clear sign that old grievances were driving the process.

Splitting assets is rarely easy, but when it turns into a vindictive game of “who gets more,” it’s less about fairness and more about clinging to the bitterness of the past. Functional divorces handle money matters with practicality, not vengeance.

6. You Obliterated Any Remaining Boundaries

In your marriage, boundaries might have been more of a suggestion than a rule, and that lack of respect likely carried over into your divorce. Maybe your ex was still calling you at odd hours, showing up unannounced, or involving themselves in decisions that no longer concerned them.

Divorce should be the start of a clean slate, with clear lines drawn between your lives. But when those boundaries remain blurred, it’s a sign that the dysfunction of the marriage hasn’t truly been addressed, leaving both parties stuck in the same unhealthy patterns.

7. Your Pasts Were Weaponized Against One Another

If your divorce felt like a constant rehashing of every wrong ever committed during your marriage, it’s a clear sign of dysfunction. Instead of focusing on resolving present issues, both of you might have been using the past as ammunition to hurt each other.

Healthy divorces involve leaving the past where it belongs and focusing on moving forward. But when resentment clouds the process, it’s hard to separate the marriage from the divorce. That lingering bitterness only keeps both parties stuck in a toxic loop.

8. You Let Outside Opinions Take Center Stage

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In-laws, friends, or even casual acquaintances might have had more to say about your divorce than they should have. If you let their opinions guide your decisions, it’s a sign that the dysfunction from your marriage extended into your separation.

While seeking advice is normal, letting outside voices dictate your choices only complicates an already emotional process. A functional divorce requires keeping the focus on what’s best for the two of you, not on pleasing the peanut gallery.

9. You Refused To Compromise

In marriage, compromise is key—but if you struggled with it during your relationship, chances are it was just as elusive during your divorce. Maybe every decision became a standoff, with neither side willing to budge even an inch.

Compromise isn’t about giving up; it’s about finding common ground. If your divorce felt like a series of ultimatums rather than negotiations, it’s a sign that the same rigidity that made your marriage difficult carried over into the separation process.

10. Your Mutual Friends Were Forced To Pick Sides

angry couple sitting on couch

One of the most painful parts of a divorce can be the impact on shared friendships. If you found yourselves dragging mutual friends into the fray, forcing them to “pick a side,” it’s a sign that the dysfunction was still running the show.

Healthy divorces aim to minimize collateral damage, including relationships with friends. But when those friendships become battlegrounds, it’s clear that the toxicity from your marriage has spilled over into your post-relationship life.

11. You Let Petty Arguments Blow Up

Couple arguing planning a separation after infidelity crisis

Arguing over the thermostat or whose turn it was to empty the dishwasher might have been a hallmark of your marriage, and if those petty squabbles continued into your divorce, it’s a sign that little has changed. Fighting over trivial matters during a separation only amplifies the dysfunction.

These arguments aren’t really about what they seem—they’re often about control, frustration, or unresolved anger. Letting go of the little things is a key part of moving on, but when they dominate your divorce, it’s clear that the marriage’s toxic patterns are still alive and well.

12. You Kept Blaming Each Other For The Mess

During your marriage, every disagreement seemed to turn into a blame fest. You’d argue over who forgot to take out the trash or who started the fight about holiday plans. If your divorce followed the same pattern, with each of you pointing fingers instead of taking responsibility, it’s a sign that the dysfunction didn’t stop at the courthouse steps.

A healthy split requires at least some level of accountability, but when both sides dig in their heels and refuse to see their own faults, the divorce becomes another stage for the same toxic dynamics. In the end, it’s not about who was right or wrong—it’s about letting go of the need to win every argument.

13. You Let The Divorce Drag On Forever

Sometimes, a prolonged divorce is unavoidable, but if the delays were fueled by spite, stubbornness, or a refusal to cooperate, it’s a sign of lingering dysfunction. Drawing out the process often serves as a way to maintain control or avoid closure.

A healthy divorce focuses on resolving issues efficiently and moving forward. When the process becomes a drawn-out battle, it’s often because neither party is truly ready to let go of the conflict—or the control it provides.

14. You Both Refused To Go To Mediation To Resolve Things Amicably

Mature married couple fighting, blaming and accusing each other, having relationship problem at home. Middle-aged man and his wife on verge of divorce or separation, arguing indoors

If neither of you sought therapy—individually or as a couple—during or after the divorce, it’s a missed opportunity to break the cycle of dysfunction. Counseling provides the tools to process emotions, understand patterns, and move forward in healthier ways.

Skipping therapy often means carrying unresolved baggage into future relationships. If both of you resisted seeking help, it’s likely that the same issues that plagued your marriage remained unaddressed, leaving both parties stuck in old patterns.

15. You Used Social Media As A Weapon

Posting cryptic quotes, airing dirty laundry, or using social media to garner sympathy or shame your ex are clear signs that the dysfunction from your marriage found a new outlet. These behaviors might feel cathartic in the moment, but they only add fuel to the fire.

Healthy divorces keep private matters private. When social media becomes a battleground, it’s a sign that the toxic dynamics of the marriage have simply gone digital, turning a painful process into a public spectacle.

16. You Still Felt Tied To Each Other

If you found yourself obsessing over your ex’s every move or struggling to let go emotionally, it’s a sign that the separation didn’t truly untangle the dysfunction. This lingering attachment often stems from unresolved issues that were never addressed during the marriage.

Moving on requires more than just signing papers—it requires emotional closure. When you’re still tied to the pain, resentment, or drama of the relationship, it’s a clear indicator that the dysfunction didn’t end with the marriage itself.

Danielle is a lifestyle writer with over 10 years of experience crafting relatable content for both major media companies and startups.