1. “I Had To Cut My Parents Off to Heal from the Past.”
Part of our “As Told To” series.
Meet Laura, 42. She shares her story of why cutting ties with her parents was the only way forward.
“I was 36 when I admitted my relationship with my parents was toxic and my childhood trauma ran deep. For years, I excused the manipulation, emotional abuse, endless guilt trips, and overstepping of my boundaries. My mother was a narcissist, and my father was an alcoholic—a violent one at times. I left home at 18 but maintained a relationship with them out of obligation and guilt, not love.
I had my daughter at 32, and becoming a mother myself made me understand the depth of my dysfunctional family and the neglect and cruelty I’d suffered. I’d worn a mask and played a role for so long that it was eating me up. And I knew I didn’t want my child to be subject to their toxic ways. So I cut all ties. They took it badly and put all the blame on me, but I know my truth and I finally feel free to live it.” — Laura Bennett, North Carolina.
Continue reading to explore why some adult children cut ties with their parents. >>
2. They Pressured You To Live The Life They Wanted
According to Forbes, parents can significantly influence their children’s career choices through expectations and pressure. Remember when you wanted to study art but somehow ended up in business school? That wasn’t an accident. Your parents have been quietly (or not so quietly) steering your life toward the path they wished they’d taken. Every decision becomes an argument—your career, where you live, even who you date—all filtered through their unfulfilled ambitions.
You find yourself living someone else’s dream while yours gathers dust. The constant pressure creates this weird double life where you’re either rebelling or complying, but never just authentically existing. At some point, you see they don’t want what’s best for you—they want what’s best for the version of you that exists only in their mind.
3. Their “Gifts” And “Favors” Always Come With Control
“I’ll help with the down payment on your house,” they say. Sounds generous until you’re arguing about your choice of curtains six months later—this is a form of control, according to Psych Central. Every gift from them has invisible strings attached—ones you don’t notice until they’re yanking you back into their orbit. That “free” babysitting? It comes with unsolicited parenting critiques.
The financial help becomes a weapon they wield whenever you make choices they disagree with. “After all I’ve done for you” becomes their motto, and suddenly you’re questioning your right to make independent decisions. You start declining their offers, preferring the freedom of making it on your own to the suffocation of their “generosity.”
4. They Hold Decades-Old Mistakes Against You
That time you broke a window when you were eight? They still bring it up at Thanksgiving—thirty years later. Your parents have this mental filing cabinet of every mistake you’ve ever made, ready to be pulled out whenever they need ammunition. It doesn’t matter if you were a child or if circumstances were different then—your past is never truly past.
You walk on eggshells, knowing any disagreement might trigger the appearance of ancient history. The message is clear: you don’t deserve forgiveness, and your character was permanently defined by actions you took before you could even drive. It dawns on you that no amount of present-day success can erase their determination to define you by your worst moments.
5. They Expect Unlimited Access To Your Life
Your phone rings at 11 PM, and they’re offended when you don’t answer. They show up unannounced at your home and act hurt when you seem surprised. Your parents operate as if boundaries are a personal insult rather than a normal part of adult relationships. Privacy becomes a foreign concept when they’re involved.
They demand passwords to your accounts “just in case” and expect detailed reports of your weekend plans. The constant intrusion leaves you feeling like you’re living in a surveillance state rather than an independent life. When you try explaining that healthy relationships include some separation, they act as though you’ve suggested something deeply unnatural.
6. Being Around Them Triggers You
The moment you walk into their house, your chest tightens and you’re suddenly 15 again. Your parents have this ability to transport you back to your most vulnerable self with just a look or phrase. The physical symptoms are real—racing heart, shallow breathing, that foggy feeling in your brain when they start in on you.
You’ve worked through so much in therapy, but three hours in their presence undoes months of progress. Your friends notice you speak differently around them, becoming smaller somehow. You’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not just uncomfortable—it’s actively harmful to your mental health to keep subjecting yourself to these triggers.
7. They Compare You Negatively To Others
“Why can’t you be more like your cousin Lexi? She owns her own home already.” No matter what you achieve, there’s always someone doing it better in your parents’ eyes. The comparisons are relentless (and harmful, according to Integrative Psych)—to siblings, to family friends’ children, even to strangers they read about online. Your accomplishments are diminished while others’ are elevated.
You find yourself hesitating to share good news because you know it will somehow be transformed into a shortcoming. The constant benchmarking against others creates this persistent feeling that you’re running a race you can never win. You stop seeking their approval entirely because you recognize the impossible standard was designed to keep you striving for validation that will never come.
8. They Drain Your Financial Resources
The pattern starts innocently—small loans here and there that are rarely repaid. Before long, they’re calling with “emergencies” that somehow always align with your payday. Your parents have positioned themselves as financially dependent on you, while simultaneously criticizing your money management.
You’re caught in this exhausting cycle of guilt and resentment every time you check your bank account. Attempts to establish financial boundaries are met with accusations of abandonment or callousness. It finally hits you that they view your income as an extension of the family finances rather than the result of your independent work and choices.
9. They Share Your Private Information
You mentioned a health concern in confidence, only to have relatives calling to offer advice days later. Your parents treat your personal information like community property, sharing details of your relationships, career struggles, or medical issues without a second thought. Your life becomes fodder for family gossip, with details twisted to fit whatever narrative they prefer.
Each betrayal of confidence chips away at any trust that might have remained. You find yourself calculating what’s safe to share, creating sanitized versions of your life for family consumption. The realization that meaningful relationships require trust hits you like a ton of bricks, and that’s something they’ve proven repeatedly they don’t deserve.
10. They Refuse to Respect Your Partner
From day one, they’ve made it clear your chosen partner isn’t “good enough.” Your parents criticize everything from their career to their family background, often right in front of them. They exclude your partner from family events or treat them as temporary despite years together.
The constant undermining forces you to choose sides in a battle you never wanted to fight. You find yourself defending your relationship constantly, exhausted by their refusal to accept this fundamental part of your life. Eventually, you realize their disrespect isn’t really about your partner at all—it’s about maintaining control over your life choices.
11. They Make Every Conversation About Themselves
You call to share your promotion news, and somehow the conversation ends with you consoling them about their knee pain. Your parents have mastered the art of the conversational hijack, redirecting any topic back to their experiences, opinions, and problems. Your role is clear: audience member, never protagonist.
You find yourself rehearsing how to share important life events, trying to predict how they’ll center themselves. The emotional labor of managing these interactions leaves you drained and resentful. True connection requires mutual interest, and they’ve demonstrated repeatedly that your life is simply less important than theirs.
12. They Take Credit for Your Successes
“She gets her musical talent from me,” they tell everyone at your recital, despite never supporting your lessons. Your parents position themselves as the architects of your achievements while having contributed little beyond genetics. Any success you earn through your own hard work is reframed as their legacy or the result of their parenting.
You find yourself downplaying accomplishments around them to avoid the inevitable appropriation. Their narrative erases your agency and hard work, replacing it with a story where they’re the heroes who produced a successful offspring. Your achievements belong to you alone, and it’s time to stop seeking the recognition they’ll never genuinely give.
13. They Repeatedly Ignore Your Requests For Personal Space
“Just checking in!” they text, for the fifth time today. Your parents treat boundaries as suggestions rather than requirements, consistently violating any limits you try to establish. Requests for space during difficult times are interpreted as rejection rather than a legitimate need.
You find yourself becoming increasingly creative with excuses, since direct communication about boundaries never seems to work. The constant intrusion leaves you feeling like privacy is a privilege rather than a right. But here’s the thing: people who respect you will respect your boundaries, and those who don’t respect your boundaries don’t truly respect you.
14. They Use Their Age Or Health To Manipulate You
“I might not be around much longer” becomes their go-to phrase whenever you can’t meet their demands. Your parents weaponize their age or health conditions to override your boundaries and decisions. Genuine concern for their wellbeing is twisted into a control mechanism.
You find yourself trapped in a cycle of compliance driven by fear and guilt rather than authentic connection. The emotional blackmail creates this impossible situation where caring for yourself becomes positioned as neglect of them. But even legitimate health concerns don’t entitle anyone to manipulate or control another person’s life.
15. You’re Always Their Therapist, But They Never Support You
They call sobbing about their problems, but change the subject when you mention your anxiety. Your parents have cast you in the role of emotional caretaker from a young age, dumping their adult problems on you while showing little interest in your struggles. The relationship has always been fundamentally imbalanced.
You find yourself emotionally exhausted after interactions, having given support that’s never reciprocated. The one-way emotional street leaves you feeling more like a therapist than a child, regardless of your age. Eventually, you realize relationships should involve mutual support, and you’re tired of pouring from an empty cup.
