Divorce is a not-so-fun thing that many families have to go through, leaving behind a ton of emotions and memories. It’s tough on everyone, but for children, it can leave long-lasting impacts that they bring into adulthood. Today, we’ll get into some of these lingering feelings and experiences that kids of divorced parents might never fully shake off, no matter how much time passes.
1. Sitting With The Uncertainty
Growing up with divorced parents often means living in a world that feels a little shaky. Kids might have bounced between two homes, never really sure what tomorrow would bring. This constant change can create a lingering feeling of uncertainty, according to the National Library of Medicine. Even as adults, this can translate into being cautious about change or feeling anxious when things aren’t clear-cut. It’s like always having one foot ready to move, just in case things switch up again.
This need for stability might make them super planners or, on the flip side, hesitant to plan at all. They might crave control over their surroundings to counteract those unpredictable early years. Relationships could feel like a tightrope walk, where they’re never quite sure if the next step will hold steady. This uncertainty can be tiring, like carrying around an invisible backpack full of “what ifs.” It’s a silent companion that can influence decisions big and small.
2. Feeling Like You’re Different
Growing up with divorced parents can sometimes make kids feel like they’re not like their peers. They might have different routines, like spending weekends with one parent and weekdays with another, which can be isolating. As they grow up, this feeling of being an outsider can linger. They might feel like their family experiences set them apart in ways others don’t understand, as noted by the Institute for Family Studies.
This can make forming connections a bit tricky. They might look for others who share similar backgrounds, seeking a sense of belonging. Or, they might shy away from sharing details about their family life, fearing judgment or pity. It can be a delicate dance, finding where they fit in a world that often assumes everyone’s family is like a TV sitcom. But over time, they often learn that everyone’s family has its quirks.
3. Losing Family Traditions
Traditions are the glue that holds family memories together, but divorce can often shake them up or even erase them completely. The holidays might turn into a juggling act instead of a time of togetherness. Growing up, kids of divorce might miss the old ways things used to be, feeling like something’s always missing. As adults, they might struggle to create or commit to new traditions.
This sense of loss can make holidays and family gatherings bittersweet. They might long for the comfort of shared rituals but feel unsure how to recreate them. This can lead to a feeling of nostalgia for something that can no longer be. But it can also inspire them to create new traditions, ones that reflect their unique blend of family experiences. It’s about finding new ways to celebrate time with loved ones.
4. Wanting Control, But Not Having It
Divorce can leave children feeling like their world is spinning out of control, as discussed in Psychology Today. To cope, they might develop a strong desire to control every aspect of their environment. As adults, this can show up as a need to meticulously plan or manage every detail of their lives. While it can lead to being organized and prepared, it also carries the risk of becoming rigid.
When things inevitably don’t go according to plan, it can be difficult to adapt. Learning to let go of the reins a bit and trust that things will be okay can be challenging. It’s a lesson in flexibility and trust that can take years to master. Finding a balance between control and chaos can be liberating. It’s about understanding that it’s okay to leave some things to chance.
5. Feeling Fearful Of Abandonment
When parents separate, kids often worry about losing one or both of them forever. It’s an irrational fear, but it’s one that sticks around, whispering that the people they love might leave. Even if both parents are present and loving, the initial disruption can plant seeds of doubt that are hard to uproot. According to Psychology Today, as adults, children of divorce might struggle with trusting that others will stick around.
This fear can creep into friendships, romantic relationships, and even professional arenas. They might overthink every little disagreement, worrying it’s the beginning of the end. It can create a need for constant reassurance, which can be exhausting for both sides. But understanding where this fear comes from can be the first step to taming it. It’s about learning to trust in the permanence of love and the resilience of relationships.
6. Struggling With Intimacy
For kids of divorce, close relationships can feel risky. If their parents’ marriage ends, it might be hard to trust that any relationship can last. As adults, they might struggle with letting their guard down, fearing vulnerability. This can make forming deep connections a bit of a challenge.
They might build walls to protect themselves, keeping others at a safe distance. But this can lead to feelings of loneliness and isolation. Learning to open up and be vulnerable is a big step towards building meaningful relationships. It’s about finding the courage to trust, even when it feels scary. With time, they can discover that intimacy can be rewarding and fulfilling.
7. Feeling Like You Have To Pick Sides
Imagine being a kid and feeling like you have to pick sides between your parents. It’s a tough spot to be in, especially when all you want is to love both without hurting either. This internal tug-of-war can continue into adulthood, where they feel caught between people or decisions. They might be peacemakers, always trying to make sure everyone gets along.
This can lead to difficulties in asserting their own needs and boundaries. They might struggle with guilt, feeling responsible for keeping the peace. Even small decisions can feel monumental if they think they might upset someone. As adults, they learn slowly that it’s okay to have preferences and that pleasing everyone isn’t always possible. It’s a balancing act that takes time to perfect.
8. Being Burdened With Responsibility
Sometimes, kids of divorce take on adult roles too soon, feeling a need to support their parents emotionally. This can develop into a lifelong pattern, where they feel responsible for everyone else’s happiness. Even as grown-ups, they might carry this sense of duty, putting others’ needs before their own. This can be draining and lead to burnout if they don’t learn to set boundaries.
Learning to say “no” can be a big challenge. They might have to unlearn the idea that their worth is tied to their ability to care for others. It’s a journey to understand that self-care isn’t selfish but necessary. Developing their own identity, separate from these roles, can be both liberating and scary. It’s about finding that healthy balance between being there for others and being there for themselves.
9. Constantly Striving For Perfection
With divorce often comes a sense of chaos, and some kids try to counteract this by striving for perfection. They might think that if they do everything right, they can prevent more upheaval. As adults, this can manifest as a relentless pursuit of perfection in work and personal life. But this need for flawlessness can be paralyzing.
It can lead to anxiety and stress when things don’t go as planned. They might struggle with accepting mistakes, seeing them as failures rather than learning experiences. This can make it difficult to try new things or take risks. Over time, they may learn that perfection is an impossible standard and that being human means being imperfect. Embracing this can be a huge relief and open up new possibilities.
10. Dealing With Lingering Resentment
When divorce happens, kids can sometimes hold onto resentment towards their parents. Whether it’s about the breakup itself or how it was handled, these feelings can stick around. As they grow up, this resentment can morph into anger or bitterness. It can be a heavy burden to carry and can affect their own relationships with their parents.
Letting go of this resentment isn’t easy, but it’s a crucial step toward healing. It involves understanding that parents are human too, with their own struggles and mistakes. Forgiveness can be freeing, allowing them to move forward without the weight of past hurts. It’s a journey that can lead to healthier relationships and personal peace. They learn that releasing resentment is more about their own well-being than anything else.
11. Experiencing Grief Up Close
Divorce can feel like a loss, a grieving for the family structure that once was. Kids might not always understand it at the time, but they carry a sense of grief into adulthood. It can resurface at various times, like during major life events or family gatherings. Understanding and processing this grief is an ongoing journey.
It can be tough because it’s not just a loss of the past but also of the dreams for the future. Learning to acknowledge and feel their emotions rather than suppress them is key. Grief isn’t linear, and sometimes it can sneak up when least expected. But with time, they can find ways to honor their feelings while also embracing new beginnings. It’s about finding peace with what was and what is.
12. Battling With Self-Worth
Growing up amidst separation can sometimes lead kids to question their own worth. They might wonder if they weren’t good enough to keep their parents together. This can evolve into a deep-seated issue with self-esteem as they enter adulthood. They might constantly seek validation from external sources to prove their worth.
Building self-worth becomes a lifelong journey, learning to see value in themselves beyond others’ opinions. They might have to work hard to believe in their own capabilities and potential. It’s about recognizing that their worth isn’t tied to their parent’s relationship or any other outside factor. With time, they can learn to appreciate themselves for who they are, flaws and all. This self-acceptance can be a powerful tool for personal growth.
13. Longing for Closure (And Not Getting It)
Kids often don’t get the closure they need when their parents divorce. As adults, they might find themselves still searching for answers or trying to make sense of it all. Without closure, it can feel like a chapter that’s never fully closed. This longing can affect their ability to move forward in their own lives.
Understanding that closure might not come from their parents is an important realization. It’s about finding peace within themselves and understanding that some questions might not have answers. This can involve coming to terms with the past and creating their own sense of closure. It’s a personal journey that can lead to acceptance and healing. Over time, they can learn to live with the unresolved while still finding joy and fulfillment.
14. Needing Constant Reassurance
Children of divorce often seek reassurance more than others. They might constantly need to hear that they’re loved, valued, and appreciated. As they grow up, this need can carry over into their relationships, both personal and professional. It’s not just about needing compliments, but about confirming their place in the world.
This constant need for reassurance can sometimes be misunderstood by others. It’s important for them to learn how to self-soothe and reassure themselves. Building inner confidence can help reduce the need for external validation. Eventually, they can learn to trust in themselves and their abilities. It’s about finding a balance between seeking support from others and believing in themselves.
15. Learning To Forgive
Forgiveness can be a long road for those who experienced their parents’ divorce. There might be lingering feelings of blame or anger that are hard to shake. Learning to forgive, whether it’s their parents or themselves, can be a transformative process. This journey is about letting go of past hurts to make room for healing.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting or excusing what happened. It’s about freeing themselves from the pain of the past. This can lead to peace and the ability to build healthier relationships in the future. It’s a gift they give themselves, allowing them to move forward unburdened. At some point or another, they might find that forgiveness is less about the past and more about their present and future well-being.
