Let’s talk about something that shapes so many of us in ways we don’t always recognize: growing up with divorced parents. If you’re reading this, chances are you know exactly what I mean—those subtle patterns and emotional hurdles that sometimes make you stop and think, “Oh, that’s why I do that.” The thing is, while our parents’ divorce feels deeply personal (and it is), there’s something strangely comforting about realizing we’re not alone in these struggles. Millions of us are out there, dealing with similar challenges and working through similar emotions.
1. They Felt Caught In The Middle & Struggle With Guilt
You know that uncomfortable squeeze in your chest when one parent asks about the other? Or that subtle dance you do every holiday season, trying to split your time perfectly so nobody feels shortchanged? Welcome to the perpetual tightrope walk that children of divorce know all too well. Even decades after the split, many of us find ourselves playing amateur diplomats, carefully weighing every word and action to maintain peace between two separate worlds. It’s like having an internal radar that’s always on, scanning for potential conflicts, and automatically jumping in to smooth things over before they even happen.
This mediator role often becomes such a deeply ingrained part of who we are that we don’t even realize we’re doing it anymore. We’re the ones in friend groups who naturally gravitate toward keeping the peace, the ones who feel personally responsible when others don’t get along, and the ones who sometimes lose ourselves in the process of trying to make everyone else happy. But here’s something crucial to remember: you were never meant to be the bridge between your parents. Their relationship, their emotions, and their conflicts are not your responsibility to manage, even though you’ve probably gotten really good at trying.
2. They Became Emotionally Exhausted & Are Prone To Burnout
Carrying around all these complex emotions and learned behaviors is like running a marathon with a backpack full of rocks. The constant vigilance, the emotional regulation, the careful navigation of family dynamics—it all takes a toll and, according to the National Library of Medicine, can lead to long-term effects on children’s mental health and well-being. You might find yourself feeling depleted after family gatherings that others seem to bounce back from easily, or needing extra time to process and recover from situations that trigger those old familiar feelings.
Sometimes the exhaustion comes from maintaining those invisible walls we’ve built to protect ourselves, or from the energy it takes to keep checking and double-checking our emotional responses to make sure they’re “appropriate.” It’s like having a second job as your own therapist, constantly analyzing and adjusting your reactions to situations. The key is learning that it’s okay to take breaks, to set boundaries, and to prioritize your emotional well-being without feeling guilty about it. You don’t have to be “on” all the time, and taking care of yourself isn’t a betrayal of anyone else’s needs.
3. They Have Difficulty Trusting Others
When you watch the two people who were supposed to be your model for love and trust break their promises to each other, it does something to your ability to believe in forever. It’s like you’ve been given a front-row seat to a masterclass in “why people can’t be trusted,” and that lesson sticks around long after the credits roll. According to studies in the World Psychiatry journal, this affects how you form and maintain all relationships—you might find yourself doing emotional background checks on new friends, taking years to fully open up to partners, or keeping parts of yourself carefully guarded, just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
The hardest part? You’re probably really good at appearing open and trusting on the surface—maybe you’re even the friend everyone comes to with their secrets. But inside, there’s always that little voice running a constant risk assessment, looking for signs that someone might leave or let you down, as the National Library of Medicine notes. It shows up in the way you triple-check text messages before sending them, or how you mentally catalog every slight disappointment as potential evidence that you were right not to trust fully. Breaking down these walls takes time, and that’s okay. Trust isn’t built in a day, and learning to open up again doesn’t mean you have to throw all your boundaries out the window.
4. They Don’t Know What To Do With Their Anger & Resentment
Let’s talk about that simmering pot of complicated feelings that so many of us carry around. You know the ones—they bubble up during wedding season when everyone’s talking about “perfect” families, or during the holidays when you’re still doing that exhausting back-and-forth shuffle between houses well into adulthood. Sometimes the anger catches you off guard (which is very normal, according to Psychology Today), showing up as an unexpected wave of resentment when you see intact families, or as a sharp pang when friends complain about their “annoying but normal” family dynamics that you’d have given anything to experience.
The thing about this anger is that it often comes packaged with a hefty side of guilt. After all, shouldn’t we be “over it” by now? Maybe your parents have moved on, remarried, and seem happier—and yet here you are, still feeling hurt and frustrated. Here’s what nobody tells you though: it’s completely normal to be angry about having to grow up faster than your peers, about missing out on the security of an intact family, about having to navigate complex emotional territories when you were just trying to figure out who you were. Your feelings are valid, even if they’re uncomfortable.
5. They Have An Unhealthy Relationship With Conflict
Remember that feeling in your stomach when voices started getting raised, or that instant panic when someone slams a door a little too hard? For many of us, conflict triggers an almost physical response, sending us right back to those moments when arguments meant our whole world was about to change. Some of us become conflict-avoidant, able to sense and dodge the slightest hint of disagreement from a mile away. Others might find themselves overreacting to minor disputes, terrified that every argument could be the beginning of the end.
The real challenge isn’t just how we handle conflict—it’s how we think about it. Maybe you’ve caught yourself holding back legitimate complaints in relationships because “keeping the peace” feels safer than rocking the boat. Or perhaps you’ve developed a habit of jumping into other people’s conflicts as a mediator, still trying to fix the arguments you couldn’t fix as a kid. Learning that healthy conflict can actually strengthen relationships, rather than destroy them, is one of the most powerful shifts we can make in our healing journey.
6. They Struggle With Holiday & Special Occasion Anxiety
Oh, this is a special kind of stress that starts creeping in months before any significant celebration or holiday. While others are getting excited about the festive season, you’re already mentally calculating how to split your time, rehearsing explanations for why you can’t be in two places at once, and trying to figure out how to make everything “fair.” It’s like being the director of a complicated play where all the actors have a history with each other, and you’re responsible for making sure everyone gets their moment in the spotlight.
The pressure doesn’t just come from external expectations—it’s also about managing our own guilt and desire to make everyone happy. Maybe you find yourself buying extra gifts to compensate for not being able to attend every celebration, or spending more time planning logistics than actually enjoying the occasions themselves. Learning that it’s okay to create your own holiday traditions and boundaries, without feeling responsible for everyone else’s happiness, is a crucial part of reclaiming these special times for yourself.
7. They’re Dealing With Control & Compulsive Issues
Ever notice how you might have an almost compulsive need to control every aspect of your life? It makes perfect sense when you think about it—when your childhood felt chaotic and unpredictable, taking control becomes a survival strategy. This often shows up as perfectionism on steroids: immaculate homes, meticulously planned schedules, and an intense need to anticipate and prepare for every possible scenario. It’s like we’re constantly trying to create the stability we didn’t have growing up.
The tricky part is that this need for control can actually end up controlling us. You might find yourself unable to relax if things aren’t “just right,” or struggling to delegate tasks because nobody else will do them “properly.” Sometimes it manifests as difficulty being spontaneous, or feeling anxious when plans change unexpectedly. Recognizing that not everything needs to be perfect to be good enough–and that some of the best moments in life are the unplanned ones–is part of learning to loosen that grip on control.
8. They Show A Fear Of Commitment In Relationships
You’re in a perfectly healthy relationship with someone wonderful, everything is going great, and then suddenly, your brain starts playing that all-too-familiar highlight reel of your parents’ divorce. You find yourself analyzing every tiny disagreement, wondering if it’s a sign of bigger problems to come. Maybe you catch yourself creating emotional escape routes, keeping one foot out the door “just in case,” or testing your partner’s commitment in ways you’re not even fully aware of. Sound familiar? This isn’t just ordinary relationship anxiety—it’s the special flavor that comes from watching the supposed “forever” of marriage crumble when you were young.
This fear often shows up wearing different masks. Sometimes it looks like perfectionism, where you’re constantly looking for flaws in your relationship because finding them first feels safer than being blindsided later. Other times it manifests as a push-pull dance, where you crave deep connection but panic when things get too serious. And dating apps and modern relationship culture don’t exactly help when you’re already struggling with trust issues. But here’s the thing: acknowledging these patterns is the first step to breaking free from them. Your parents’ story doesn’t have to be your story, and their past doesn’t have to dictate your future.
9. They Struggle With Low Self-Esteem
You ever catch yourself in those quiet moments, wondering if somehow you could have been “better”—maybe if you’d been a better kid, tried harder, or done something differently, your parents might have stayed together? It’s a sneaky thought that burrows deep into your sense of self-worth, often without you even realizing it’s there. This underlying feeling of “not being enough” has a way of spilling into everything else, too—from job interviews to friendships to those vulnerable moments when someone pays you a genuine compliment and you just can’t quite believe them.
Many of us carry around this self-doubt, packed with questions about our lovability and worth. We might overachieve to prove our value, or maybe we hold back from opportunities because deep down, we’re not sure we deserve them. Sometimes it shows up in the mirror when we’re getting ready for a date, or in meetings when we’re hesitating to share that brilliant idea. But your parents’ divorce was never, ever a reflection of your value. Their adult decisions and relationship struggles had nothing to do with how worthy you were (or are) of love and stability.
10. They’re Dealing With Abandonment Issues
Remember that pit in your stomach when one parent would be late picking you up from school? That feeling didn’t just disappear with age—it just got more sophisticated. Now it might show up as that surge of panic when someone doesn’t text back right away, or that overwhelming urge to end relationships first before they can end things with you. It’s like carrying around an emotional early warning system that’s permanently set to high alert, always scanning the horizon for signs that someone might be preparing their exit.
This fear of abandonment is like an unwanted roommate that moves in during childhood and then refuses to leave, affecting everything from how close you let people get to how you handle everyday separations. Maybe you’re the one who never misses a birthday or always shows up early, desperately trying to be the most reliable person in everyone else’s life because you know how much unreliability hurts. Or perhaps you’ve gone the opposite route, keeping everyone at arm’s length so their inevitable departure won’t sting quite so much. The journey to healing starts with recognizing that not everyone is planning their escape and that temporary separations don’t always lead to permanent ones.
11. They’re Constantly Seeking Approval From People
If you find yourself being a human mood ring, constantly shifting and adapting to please whoever’s in front of you, welcome to another classic child-of-divorce trait. It’s like we developed this sixth sense early on, becoming expert readers of emotions and masters at adjusting ourselves to keep everyone happy. Maybe you’re the one at work who takes on every project, the friend who never says no, or the partner who instinctively smooths over every ripple in the relationship pond before it can become a wave.
This need for approval isn’t just about being liked—it’s rooted in that deep-seated fear that if we’re not “good enough,” people will leave, just like our family unit did. We learned early that love and stability might be conditional, so we work overtime trying to meet conditions that often only exist in our own minds. The exhausting part? This pattern can make us lose sight of what we actually want or need because we’re so tuned into pleasing others. Breaking free starts with realizing that you don’t have to earn the right to take up space in people’s lives.
12. They Battle With Feeling Alone & Lonely
Here’s a paradox many of us know well: you can be surrounded by people, maybe even have two expanded families thanks to remarriages, and still feel profoundly alone. It’s that unique kind of loneliness that comes from feeling like no one quite gets your experience, especially when the world seems to expect you to just be grateful for having “two of everything” or to appreciate having “bonus” parents and siblings. The truth is, having more family members doesn’t automatically fill that core feeling of disconnection that divorce can create.
Sometimes the loneliness shows up in unexpected ways—like when you’re trying to explain to friends why holidays are complicated, or when you’re filling out forms and have to decide which address to put down as “home.” It’s in those moments when something great happens and you realize there’s no single place to share that news where everyone will be together to celebrate with you. But feeling lonely doesn’t mean you’re actually alone. There’s a whole community of people who understand exactly what you’re going through.
13. They Struggle With Identity Issues
Ever feel like you’re a slightly different person depending on which parent’s house you’re at? Maybe you learned to hide your excitement about Mom’s new hobby when you’re with Dad, or found yourself downplaying how much fun you had at Dad’s wedding when talking to Mom. This constant identity juggling act becomes so second nature that sometimes you catch yourself wondering which version of you is the real one.
As adults, this shape-shifting tendency follows us into our relationships and careers. You might find yourself being extra careful about sharing personal information, instinctively compartmentalizing different aspects of your life, or struggling to form a solid sense of who you are outside of these learned adaptations. The good news? All those different versions of you are real, and learning to integrate them into one authentic self is possible. It starts with giving yourself permission to be complex, to hold seemingly contradictory traits and experiences without having to choose just one “side.”
14. They Wrestle With Self-Trust & Independence
When your family foundation cracks early on, it can shake your trust not just in others, but in yourself too. Many of us develop an almost superhuman level of independence, determined never to rely too heavily on anyone else. But sometimes this independence goes too far, making it hard to ask for help or lean on others when we really need to. It’s like we’re constantly trying to prove to ourselves and everyone else that we can handle everything alone.
The path to healing isn’t about maintaining this fortress of independence we’ve built, but about learning when it’s okay to lower the drawbridge. Maybe you’re the friend who’s always there for others but struggles to accept help in return, or perhaps you pride yourself on never needing emotional support while secretly yearning for connection. Learning to trust your own judgment while also being open to support from others isn’t a sign of weakness—it’s actually one of the strongest things we can do for ourselves.
15. They Have Financial Insecurities & A Scarcity Mindset
Maybe you’re the one who has a secret emergency fund that no one knows about, or perhaps you’ve developed an intense need to be financially independent because you witnessed the vulnerability that comes with financial dependence. Those memories of sudden lifestyle changes, child support discussions, or watching your parents struggle financially after the split don’t just fade away when you grow up.
This financial hypervigilance often manifests in complex ways—like feeling anxious about joint bank accounts in relationships, obsessing over saving every penny, or going the opposite direction and struggling to commit to long-term financial planning because you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop. Sometimes it shows up as difficulty accepting financial help from others, or feeling like you need to take care of everyone else’s financial needs before your own. Recognizing that financial security doesn’t have to come at the cost of emotional vulnerability is a crucial part of moving forward.
