1. My Affair Ended in Total Disaster—Believe the Cliché
Part of the “As Told To” series.
Meet Monica, 44. She shares how she engaged in an ill-fated affair that ended despite every red flag warning her not to.
“I was 41 when I fell for and engaged in an affair with a colleague. My marriage was stale, my life stuck on repeat—and he was a jolt of electricity I hadn’t felt in years. I ignored the red flags: his vague admission he was ending his marriage, the hot-and-cold affection, the control. I told myself it didn’t matter, but I lost myself and became consumed with a relationship with him.
It blew up as these things always do—messy, humiliating, and painfully obvious in hindsight. My husband was devastated; his wife, whom I’d met a few times, wanted blood. BTW they never once discussed breaking up. The thrill faded into exhaustion, and I saw the truth: I’d risked everything for someone who never saw me. He ghosted me when everything blew up, and that’s when I saw how selfish and small he was.” —Monica Hayes, 44, Illinois.
Continue reading to explore how affairs usually end badly and how to spot the warning signs >>
3. Guilt Will Eat You Alive, Even If You Pretend It Won’t
Maybe you think you can separate the affair from your real life, that you won’t feel bad because you’re just following your heart. But guilt has a way of creeping in when you least expect it—especially when you see the pain of the people being deceived. According to Emotional Affair, cheaters often experience guilt, shame, and loss of self-respect.
Even if you don’t feel bad now, eventually, something will trigger it—a reminder of the person who’s unknowingly being betrayed, the realization that you’re part of something built on dishonesty. No matter how much you try to ignore it, the weight of it will always be there.
4. Someone Always Finds Out—Always
Affairs operate on secrecy, but no secret stays buried forever. Suspicious partners start putting pieces together. Friends notice odd behavior. A single misplaced text or unexpected phone call is all it takes to unravel everything. According to Mindful Life Counseling, secrecy is a key component of affairs, but it can also lead to their downfall.
And when the truth comes out? The fallout is brutal. Lives get upended, reputations are shattered, and what felt like a thrilling escape turns into a nightmare you can’t undo. If you think you can keep it hidden forever, you’re only fooling yourself.
5. Affairs Run On Secrecy, And Secrets Get Messy Fast
At first, the secrecy feels thrilling. The stolen moments, the late-night messages—it’s intoxicating. But over time, secrecy turns into stress. You’re constantly covering your tracks, making excuses, and living in fear of getting caught.
It’s exhausting. The mental gymnastics required to keep an affair going will eventually wear you down. You’ll start resenting the person you once found so irresistible because, instead of being an escape, they’ve become a source of constant anxiety.
6. You’re Building A Relationship On Lies—And Expecting It To Last
A relationship that starts with deception is already on shaky ground. If they lied to their partner to be with you, they’re capable of lying to you too. And even if they don’t, how can you ever fully trust them? According to Divorce.com, keeping secrets can increase stress and create a cycle of mistrust.
Healthy relationships require trust, honesty, and respect—none of which exist in an affair. If you think a love story built on betrayal will somehow turn into a fairy tale, you’re setting yourself up for heartbreak.
7. The Excitement Fades, And Then You’re Just Two People Who Made A Huge Mistake
The secrecy, the adrenaline, the feeling of getting away with something—it all makes the affair feel electrifying. But what happens when the excitement is gone? When the stolen glances and hidden meetings aren’t enough to sustain the relationship anymore?
Eventually, the affair stops feeling like a fantasy and starts feeling like what it is—two people who made a series of reckless choices. And when the thrill fades, you might realize there’s nothing real holding you together.
8. They Swore They’d Leave Their Partner… But They Won’t
They say they’re unhappy, that they’re just waiting for the right time, that they’re only staying for the kids. You believe them, waiting patiently for the day they finally walk away from their spouse.
But here’s the truth: most people don’t leave. They make excuses, stall for time, and find reasons to stay exactly where they are. And even if they *do* leave, it usually doesn’t go the way you imagined.
9. Even If They Do Leave, It’s Rarely For You
Sometimes, they *do* end up leaving their spouse—but not for the person they were cheating with. Affairs often shine a spotlight on bigger relationship issues, prompting the cheater to make changes in their life.
But that doesn’t mean they’ll choose you. More often than not, they leave because they want a fresh start, not to jump from one complicated situation to another. And that fresh start might not include you.
10. It Feels Like A Fairytale Until Reality Smacks You In The Face
When you’re in the middle of an affair, it feels like you’ve found something special. But the reality of being with someone who was willing to cheat isn’t romantic—it’s complicated, messy, and often painful.
The stolen moments turn into logistical nightmares. The secrecy turns into paranoia. And the romance? It gets buried under the weight of lies, guilt, and the realization that what you built was never solid to begin with.
11. You’ll Spend More Time Hiding Than Actually Enjoying The Relationship
Affairs are built on secrecy, which means your relationship exists in the shadows. You’re constantly sneaking around, keeping your story straight, and making sure no one catches on. While it might feel thrilling at first, that kind of stress takes a toll.
You can’t go out in public like a normal couple. You have to be careful about where you meet, who you text, and what you say. Instead of enjoying the relationship, you’re stuck in a never-ending game of hiding and lying. Eventually, that excitement turns into exhaustion.
12. Their Family And Friends Will Never Fully Accept You
Even if the affair turns into a legitimate relationship, there will always be people who judge how it started. Family and friends might tolerate you, but they’ll never truly respect you. In their eyes, you’re the reason their loved one’s previous relationship fell apart.
Holidays, weddings, and social gatherings will always carry tension. The whispers, the judgmental glances, the unspoken disapproval—it all adds up. Even if the relationship survives, the stigma of how it began will always follow you.
13. You’ll Always Wonder If They’re Lying To You Too
When someone has already proven they’re capable of deception, it’s hard to believe they won’t do it again. No matter how much they swear they’d never hurt you, the thought will always linger: *Are they being honest?*
You’ll question their late nights, their excuses, and their interactions with other people. Every time they seem distracted, you’ll wonder if they’re doing to you what they once did to someone else. That kind of paranoia can ruin even the strongest connection.
14. Guilt Has A Way Of Turning Passion Into Resentment
At the start, the relationship feels exhilarating. But over time, the guilt starts to creep in. They might feel ashamed for hurting their spouse, or you might feel guilty for playing a role in their deception.
What started as passion slowly turns into resentment. They resent you for being a constant reminder of their betrayal, and you resent them for putting you in a situation that makes you feel guilty. The very thing that drew you together starts pushing you apart.
15. Affairs Are Built On Fantasy, And Real Life Can’t Compete
Affairs exist in a bubble of secrecy and heightened emotions. You only see the best parts of each other because the relationship isn’t built on real life—it’s built on escapism. There are no bills to pay, no arguments about housework, no long-term responsibilities.
But eventually, reality sets in. If the affair turns into a real relationship, you’ll face all the same struggles that come with any partnership—except now, you have the baggage of how it started. And without the thrill of secrecy to hold it together, many of these relationships collapse under the weight of their own dysfunction.
16. Once The Chase Is Over, So Is The Appeal
For many people, the allure of an affair is the forbidden nature of it. The sneaking around, the excitement of something new, the rush of adrenaline—it makes everything feel intense and intoxicating. But what happens when the affair isn’t a secret anymore?
Once the chase is over, the reality of the relationship settles in. If the only thing holding it together was the excitement of getting away with something, that spark fades fast. And without it, you might realize that you and this person don’t actually have much keeping you together at all.
