We’ve all seen those couples who still seem genuinely happy together after decades—the ones who finish each other’s sentences, laugh at inside jokes, and somehow navigate life’s challenges without wanting to strangle each other. Meanwhile, we’ve also witnessed marriages that technically survive but feel more like a business arrangement than a loving partnership. What separates these two scenarios isn’t just luck or compatibility—it’s these specific behaviors that psychologists have identified as crucial for long-term relationship success.
1. Keeping Each Other In Mind Throughout The Day
You know that random funny moment at work that immediately makes you think, “I can’t wait to tell my partner about this”? That’s your brain creating connection even when you’re apart. When you actively think about your partner during the day—sending that quick text about the weird customer interaction or bookmarking an article they’d love—you’re strengthening your bond invisibly but powerfully. These small moments of consideration tell your partner they matter enough to occupy space in your thoughts even when they’re not physically present.
In marriages where this ingredient is missing, partners operate in parallel universes that only occasionally intersect at home. They’re completely absorbed in their separate worlds, sharing little beyond logistics and schedules. Without these mental check-ins, emotional distance grows imperceptibly until one day, you realize you’re living with someone who feels more like a roommate than a life partner. Those small tendrils of thought that reach out toward your partner throughout the day are actually maintaining crucial connections that keep your relationship alive.
2. Recognizing Bids For Connection
That seemingly mundane comment about the weather? Your partner showing you a meme? Their sigh after reading something on their phone? These are often “bids for connection”—which, according to The Gottman Institute, are small attempts to engage with you and create shared moments. When you recognize and respond positively to these bids (even with something as simple as looking up from your device and engaging), you’re building emotional connection in micro-moments that accumulate over time. Relationship researcher John Gottman found that successful couples turn toward each other’s bids around 86% of the time, compared to just 33% in couples headed for separation.
The opposite looks like consistently missing or dismissing these moments—staying glued to your screen when your partner wants to show you something or responding with minimal interest when they share a thought. Over time, the person making bids learns that reaching out doesn’t yield connection, so they simply stop trying. This creates a cycle of emotional disconnection that’s hard to reverse once it becomes entrenched.
3. Supporting Each Other Through Identity Shifts
You’re not the same person you were when you got married, and neither is your partner—nor should you be. As Forbes explains, a thriving marriage makes room for both people to evolve, whether that means career changes, new interests, or shifting perspectives on life. When you actively support your partner’s growth—even when it challenges you or requires adjustment—you’re building a relationship that can withstand the inevitable changes that come with a lifetime together. This support communicates that you love the person, not just the role they play in your life.
In struggling marriages, identity changes are often met with resistance or passive-aggressive undermining. “You never used to be like this” becomes a weapon rather than an observation, and partners may actively sabotage each other’s evolution because it threatens the status quo. Without the freedom to grow authentically, resentment festers—the person changing feels suffocated, while the resistant partner feels abandoned or betrayed. Remember that supporting your partner’s evolution doesn’t mean losing the connection you share—it means allowing your relationship to evolve alongside your individual identities.
4. Remembering To Be Playful
Playfulness is actually a sophisticated relationship tool that counteracts the gravitational pull of life’s seriousness and strengthens relationship bonds, as Forbes points out. When you maintain inside jokes, engage in light-hearted teasing (the kind that makes both of you laugh), or create spontaneous moments of fun, you’re building resilience against stress and preventing your relationship from becoming overly rigid. These playful interactions release oxytocin and reduce cortisol, literally changing your brain chemistry to strengthen your bond.
The opposite looks like a relationship that’s all business—conversations focused exclusively on logistics, problems, and responsibilities without any lightheartedness to balance things out. Without playfulness, marriages become functional arrangements rather than vibrant partnerships, and partners start looking outside the relationship for joy and levity. It’s not frivolous to prioritize fun with your partner—it’s actually one of the most practical things you can do for your relationship’s longevity. Even in the middle of serious life challenges, finding moments to laugh together keeps your connection alive.
5. Sharing The Mental Load
The mental load in a relationship isn’t just about who does which chores—as UCLA Health says, it’s about who carries the responsibility of remembering, planning, and managing the countless details of shared life. In thriving marriages, both partners actively share this cognitive burden, with each person taking ownership of various domains without being asked or reminded. When you proactively think about what needs handling in your shared life and take initiative rather than waiting for instructions, you’re demonstrating real partnership that goes beyond just physical help.
In imbalanced relationships, one partner becomes the household project manager while the other becomes merely a helper who needs direction. This creates a parent-child dynamic that messes with romantic connection and breeds resentment, with one person feeling overburdened while the other feels micromanaged or incompetent. Breaking this pattern requires honest conversation about invisible labor and a willingness to develop new awareness and habits. True sharing of mental load means both partners live with the same level of awareness about what makes your shared life function, even if you divide responsibilities differently.
6. Acknowledging Efforts, Not Just Outcomes
You notice your partner loaded the dishwasher—but they did it “wrong” according to your standards. In strong marriages, partners recognize the intention and effort behind actions, not just whether they meet expectations. When you acknowledge your partner’s attempts to contribute—even when imperfect—you’re creating an environment where trying feels worthwhile and appreciated. This doesn’t mean lowering standards; it means understanding that feeling valued for effort increases motivation to improve far more effectively than criticism does.
In struggling relationships, partners focus primarily on results, creating an atmosphere where nothing is ever quite good enough. The critical spouse may think they’re helping by pointing out how things could be better, but they’re actually training their partner to either give up trying or to feel resentful about never measuring up. Over time, this pattern leads to withdrawal and defensive responses on both sides. Remember that behind every imperfect effort is a person seeking connection and contribution—acknowledging this builds goodwill that makes improvement more likely than criticism ever could.
7. Prioritizing Sleep Quality
It might not seem romantic, but sleep compatibility and quality are surprisingly powerful predictors of relationship satisfaction. When you respect each other’s sleep needs—whether that’s addressing snoring issues, finding compromises on bedroom temperature, or creating routines that support good rest—you’re actually protecting your relationship from the irritability and reduced emotional regulation that come with sleep deprivation. Research shows couples are more likely to express gratitude and less likely to feel selfish after a good night’s sleep.
In marriages where sleep is chronically compromised, partners face each day with depleted emotional resources, making every interaction more challenging. Small disagreements escalate more quickly, patience wears thin faster, and the ability to see your partner’s perspective diminishes significantly. Some couples even benefit from sleep divorces—separate sleeping arrangements that allow both people to get optimal rest without guilt or resentment. While it might seem purely physiological, how you approach sleep together reflects deeper values of mutual care and accommodation that strengthen your bond beyond the bedroom.
8. Challenging Each Other To Grow
There’s a middle ground between accepting your partner exactly as they are and pushing them to become their best self—and that’s where thriving marriages live. When you lovingly challenge your partner by believing in capabilities they might not yet see in themselves, you become a catalyst for their growth and development. This isn’t about trying to “fix” them; it’s about reflecting back their potential while providing both support and gentle accountability for the goals they themselves value.
The unhealthy opposite appears in two forms: either becoming completely complacent and watching your partner stagnate, or constantly criticizing them against standards they haven’t chosen for themselves. Neither extreme serves your relationship or your partner’s wellbeing. The key difference lies in motivation—effective challenging comes from a place of genuine belief in your partner and desire for their fulfillment, not from dissatisfaction or control. When done right, this mutual challenging creates a relationship where both people consistently evolve into better versions of themselves because of, not despite, their partnership.
9. Staying Curious About Each Other
Remember how attentively you listened to your partner’s stories when you first met? How you’d ask follow-up questions and remember the details? In lasting marriages, couples maintain this curiosity rather than assuming they already know everything there is to know about each other. When you regularly ask open-ended questions and listen with genuine interest to your partner’s thoughts, feelings, and experiences, you’re acknowledging the profound truth that humans continue evolving throughout life—your partner of twenty years is not the same person you met, and that’s fascinating rather than threatening.
The opposite looks like conversation that’s limited to logistics and surface-level topics, with assumptions replacing questions. “I already know what she’ll say” or “He always thinks that way” becomes the attitude that shuts down genuine discovery. Without ongoing curiosity, partners become caricatures to each other rather than complex, evolving humans, and the relationship loses its vitality. Even long-married couples who maintain vibrant connections report regularly learning new things about each other, not because they were hiding information, but because they continue creating space for discovery and surprise.
10. Normalizing Not Holding Grudges
Every relationship accumulates hurts and disappointments—the question is what you do with them. In resilient marriages, partners develop the capacity to fully process conflicts, express authentic forgiveness, and genuinely move forward without keeping score. When you choose to truly release resentments rather than filing them away as ammunition for future arguments, you’re building emotional safety that allows both of you to be imperfect without fearing it will permanently damage your connection.
In contrast, struggling relationships become graveyards of unresolved hurts, with partners regularly excavating past failures during current disagreements. “You always” and “You never” become common phrases, signaling that individual incidents have calcified into character judgments. This pattern creates an environment where vulnerability feels dangerous and defensiveness becomes the default response. The ability to forgive isn’t about being a doormat—it’s about processing hurts thoroughly, addressing underlying issues, and then consciously choosing to release the emotional charge rather than letting it quietly corrode your connection.
11. Creating Room For Separate Passions
Counterintuitively, maintaining some separate interests actually strengthens your connection rather than threatening it. When you support your partner’s individual hobbies and pursuits—even ones you don’t share or fully understand—you’re creating space for them to experience autonomy, mastery, and self-expression that makes them more fulfilled and engaged when you’re together. These individual passions bring new energy, perspectives, and conversation topics into your relationship, preventing the stagnation that can come from complete enmeshment.
In less healthy dynamics, couples either maintain no separate interests (creating codependency and eventual boredom) or pursue completely separate lives with minimal overlap (creating disconnection and parallel living). The sweet spot lies in having both shared activities that create bonding experiences and individual pursuits that allow for personal growth and independence. Supporting your partner’s time away isn’t a threat to togetherness—it’s an investment in their wholeness as a person, which ultimately enriches what they bring to your shared life.
12. Celebrating Small Victories Together
Life isn’t just about the big milestones—it’s filled with small achievements that deserve recognition. In strong marriages, partners actively notice and celebrate each other’s daily wins, whether that’s handling a difficult conversation at work, making progress on a personal goal, or simply managing a challenging day with grace. When you take time to acknowledge these moments together—perhaps with a special dinner, a heartfelt compliment, or even just a high-five—you’re creating a culture of appreciation and shared joy that strengthens your bond.
The opposite occurs when achievements go unnoticed or are minimized, creating an environment where efforts feel invisible and partners seek validation outside the relationship. Without regular celebration, life becomes an endless series of tasks and challenges without the emotional punctuation that makes the journey meaningful. These celebrations don’t need to be elaborate—what matters is the genuine recognition and the message it sends: I see your efforts, I value your successes, and I want to be part of your moments of pride and accomplishment.
13. Being Present With Each Other
In an age of constant distraction, giving your full attention has become a rare and precious gift. When you put down your phone, turn away from screens, and make genuine eye contact during conversations with your partner, you’re communicating that they matter more than the endless stream of digital stimulation. This quality of presence—listening without simultaneously formulating your response, observing their expressions and body language, and responding to what they’re actually saying rather than what you assume they mean—creates a foundation of feeling truly seen and heard.
In disconnected relationships, physical proximity exists without emotional presence—couples occupy the same space while remaining absorbed in separate digital worlds or mental preoccupations. This “alone together” phenomenon erodes intimacy gradually but powerfully, as meaningful exchanges get replaced with distracted half-attention. The most connected couples often establish tech-free zones or times in their relationship, not from luddite tendencies but from recognizing that digital boundaries protect something more valuable—the irreplaceable experience of being fully present with the person you love.
14. Taking On Challenges As A Team
Life inevitably brings difficulties—financial setbacks, health crises, career challenges, family conflicts. What distinguishes thriving marriages is the reflexive stance of “us against the problem” rather than “me against you.” When you automatically frame challenges as shared responsibilities requiring collaborative solutions, you create resilience that no individual approach can match. This teamwork mentality means supporting each other’s strengths, compensating for each other’s vulnerabilities, and maintaining a united front even when you disagree about tactics.
The opposite appears when challenges become opportunities for blame, comparison, or competition within the relationship. “I told you this would happen” or “You need to fix this since you caused it” creates division exactly when unity is most needed. Even during disagreements about how to handle problems, maintaining the fundamental perspective that you’re on the same side creates emotional safety that makes challenging times strengthening rather than dividing experiences. Remember that the most resilient marriages aren’t those that face fewer problems—they’re the ones that have developed the habit of turning toward each other rather than against each other when difficulties arise.
