Some of us have turned holding grudges into an aDeort form. If you’ve ever wondered whether you might be a bit too good at staying mad, this list is for you. Not that you’ll admit it, of course. That would require self-awareness, and honestly, it’s so much easier to blame everyone else. So let’s dive into the telltale signs that you might be nursing grudges longer than you’re willing to admit.
1. Minor Slights From Years Ago Still Make Your Blood Boil
Remember when your coworker took credit for your idea in that meeting three years ago? Of course you do—you’ve replayed it in your head approximately 487 times since then. When most people would have filed it away in their “water under the bridge” folder, you’ve preserved it like a specimen in amber, pristine in all its infuriating detail.
You can feel your jaw clenching even now as you think about it. The worst part? These memories don’t fade—according to Verywell Mind, holding onto grudges can lead to persistent rumination about past incidents, making them feel more vivid and infuriating over time.
2. You “Accidentally” Exclude Certain People From Plans
Oops, did you forget to add Cory to the happy hour invite? How strange, considering she sits right next to you and definitely heard you discussing it all afternoon. But it’s definitely not because she once said your presentation could use more data points. That would be ridiculous, right?
Your selective memory when it comes to including people is surgical in its precision. You’ve mastered the art of the plausible denial: “Oh, I thought someone else invited you!” or “The text must not have gone through!” Meanwhile, you’re secretly enjoying the fact that they know exactly why they weren’t included—and that they can’t call you out on it without looking paranoid.
3. The Phrase “I’m Over It” Has Never Once Been True
You’ve said those three magic words countless times: “I’m over it.” Your friends believe you because they want to, but deep down, everyone knows—including you—that you’re about as “over it” as a person staring at their ex’s Instagram at 2 AM. The grudge has simply gone underground, where it continues to thrive in the darkness.
In fact, saying “I’m over it” is usually just the prelude to bringing it up again in a different context. It’s your way of temporarily closing the case file before mysteriously reopening it when someone least expects it. “I know I said I was over the fact that you borrowed my sweater without asking, but since we’re on the topic of trust issues…”
4. You Rehearse Confrontations That Will Probably Never Happen
You’ve spent hours in the shower perfecting the exact speech you’ll deliver when you finally confront that person who wronged you. Your imaginary arguments are Oscar-worthy performances where you always say exactly the right thing at exactly the right moment, leaving them stunned and apologetic.
Of course, these confrontations rarely happen in real life. But that doesn’t stop you from scripting and revising them in your head, complete with devastating comebacks for every possible response. It’s like writing and directing a revenge movie that will never be filmed—but the screenplay gets more elaborate with each passing day. As suggested by The Psychology Group, while this may help manage anxiety, rehearsing confrontations for grudges might not lead to resolution and can reinforce negative emotions.
5. Forgetting Birthdays Has Becomes A Strategic Choice
For most people, forgetting a birthday is an honest mistake. For you, it’s calculated warfare. You’ve got your actual friends’ birthdays programmed into your calendar with multiple reminders, but somehow, the birthdays of people who’ve crossed you seem to consistently slip your mind.
It’s especially satisfying when they’ve remembered yours. There’s something deliciously petty about seeing their birthday wishes on your timeline and then deliberately waiting until the day after their birthday to post a belated “Sorry I missed it!” message. The perfect crime? They can’t even be openly mad about it without looking petty themselves.
6. You Create Vague Social Media Posts Only One Person Will Understand
Your social media is a masterclass in passive-aggressive communication. “Some people really show their true colors eventually” might seem like a general observation to most of your followers, but you know—and more importantly, THEY know—exactly who and what you’re referring to.
These cryptic posts serve multiple purposes: they allow you to vent without being direct, they make the target squirm wondering if it’s about them, and they invite a chorus of supportive “What happened?” comments that let you know people are on your side. It’s the perfect way to make someone feel called out while maintaining plausible deniability.
7. Watching Someone Struggle With Something Brings Secret Joy
There they are, struggling to carry multiple boxes to their car, and you know you could offer a hand. But this is the same person who didn’t help you move last year, so instead, you find yourself casually observing their predicament from behind your coffee cup, experiencing what the Germans might call schadenfreude, as explained by Science Focus—joy in another’s misfortune.
The internal justification system kicks in immediately: “They need to learn,” you tell yourself, or “I’m just respecting their independence.” But let’s be honest—there’s a tiny part of you doing a victory dance as karma plays out before your eyes. The universe is balancing its books, and you’re just a witness… with a front-row seat and popcorn.
8. Friend Groups Have Fractured Because You Made People Choose Sides
You didn’t explicitly tell everyone they had to choose between you and your former friend after your falling out. You just made it impossibly awkward for anyone who tried to maintain relationships with both of you. Those group hangouts where everyone walked on eggshells? That was your handiwork.
Over time, people naturally gravitated to one camp or the other—usually yours, because frankly, being on your bad side seems like too much work. The satisfaction of “winning” the friend breakup outweighed any concern about the stress it caused everyone else in your circle. Collateral damage is just part of grudge warfare.
9. Your Definition Of “Fair” Always Somehow Benefits You Most
When recounting stories of conflict, you’ve noticed a pattern: somehow, the fair solution always aligns perfectly with what you wanted in the first place. What a coincidence! Your sense of justice is remarkably flexible, expanding or contracting based on whether you’re on the giving or receiving end of a slight.
You’ve become quite the ethical contortionist, able to explain why it was fine when you canceled plans last minute but unforgivable when someone did the same to you. The mental gymnastics would be impressive if they weren’t so transparent to everyone but you. “It’s different because…” is the beginning of so many of your justifications.
10. The Silent Treatment Has Become Your Signature Communication Style
Why confront an issue directly when you can simply stop responding to texts, give one-word answers, and sigh heavily when asked what’s wrong? The silent treatment is your go-to move when someone steps out of line, and you’ve refined it to an art form. Your silence speaks volumes—mainly saying “Figure out what you did wrong on your own.”
The beauty of this approach is watching them scramble to identify their offense. Is it something they said? Something they didn’t say? The possibilities are endless, and you’re certainly not going to help narrow them down. The longer they struggle to decode your silence, the more power you feel you have in the relationship.
11. You’ve Created Intricate Revenge Scenarios For Hypothetical Offenses
Most people wait until they’ve actually been wronged before plotting revenge. Not you! You’re proactive, already mapping out exactly how you’ll respond if someone crosses a line that they haven’t even approached yet. It’s like disaster preparedness, but for interpersonal slights.
These contingency plans can get surprisingly detailed. You know exactly which mutual friends you’ll contact first, which screenshots you’ll “reluctantly” share, and how you’ll position yourself as the reasonable party who had no choice. Sometimes you almost wish they would mess up, just so you could deploy your carefully crafted response.
12. You Can Recite Word-For-Word Conversations From Arguments Years Ago
While you might forget where you put your keys five minutes ago, your memory for verbal offenses is photographic. You can quote, verbatim, the exact wording of the hurtful comment your friend made during that argument in 2019. The inflection, the timing, the facial expression—all preserved in perfect, high-definition detail.
This remarkable memory serves you well in future disagreements, allowing you to pull out ancient evidence with frightening accuracy. “This is exactly like when you said…” is your debate equivalent of bringing a gun to a knife fight. Your mental filing system for grievances would impress even the most detail-oriented historian.
13. You Take Pride In Never Being The First To Apologize
Apologizing first feels like losing, and you’re not a loser. So you’ve developed incredible endurance for awkward standoffs, willing to let uncomfortable silences stretch for days, weeks, or even permanently rather than be the first to extend an olive branch. Your stubbornness is legendary.
Even when you know you’re partly (or mostly) at fault, something stops you from making that first move. The words “I’m sorry” seem physically unable to leave your mouth without someone else saying them first. It’s not that you can’t apologize—it’s just that the other person needs to apologize more, and more sincerely, and possibly in writing, with witnesses.
14. You Take It Personally When Someone Doesn’t Like Your Social Media Post
You would never admit this out loud, but you absolutely keep track of who engages with your social media and who doesn’t. That post that got likes from everyone except Renee? You noticed, and you’ve added it to his permanent record. His absence feels deliberate, especially since he had time to like three cat videos and your mutual friend’s vacation photos.
Each overlooked post becomes evidence in the case you’re building against people. You find yourself thinking things like, “Interesting how she always likes Amber’s posts immediately but takes hours to like mine—if she even does at all.” The social media scoreboard in your head is meticulously maintained and regularly consulted.
