Parenting adult children is difficult—you want to stay connected, offer guidance, and show love, but one wrong move and suddenly you’re dealing with weeks of radio silence. The thing is, the relationship between parents and adult children is probably one of the trickiest to navigate. You’ve spent decades being the authority figure, the problem-solver, the rule-maker, and now you’re supposed to step back and watch them live their own lives (even when you think they’re making a mess of it). According to Psychology Today, you run the risk of falling into age-inappropriate communication patterns. So, be weary of using these fifteen phrases that might seem harmless but can seriously damage your relationship with your adult kids.
1. “When Are You Going To Settle Down?”
Here’s the deal: every time you ask this question, your adult child hears “Your current life choices are temporary and inadequate.” It’s like telling someone their current chapter of life is just the waiting room before real life begins. In today’s world, “settling down” might mean anything from starting a pottery business in Peru to living in a converted van while working remotely—the traditional markers of adulthood (marriage, mortgage, minivan) aren’t the only path to a fulfilling life anymore.
Look, I get it—you might be worried about their future or genuinely curious about their plans. But here’s what’s actually happening when you ask this: you’re putting pressure on them to conform to a timeline that might not fit their life, their goals, or the current economic reality they’re facing. Instead of pushing the “settling down” agenda, try something like, “What’s exciting in your life right now?” or “Tell me about your goals for the next few years.” This opens up a real conversation where they can share their dreams and plans without feeling judged or pressured. Plus, you might actually learn something fascinating about their vision for life that you never considered before.
2. “I Wish You Would Do Things My Way.”
This phrase is basically the equivalent of saying “I don’t trust your judgment.” When you drop this bomb into a conversation, you’re not just suggesting an alternative approach; you’re essentially telling your adult child that all their carefully thought-out decisions, their life experience, and their problem-solving skills are somehow inferior to your way of doing things. Think about how that feels for a second. Remember when your own parents tried to tell you how to do everything? Yeah, it probably drove you up the wall too.
Watching them do things differently than you would is like an extreme sport for your patience. Maybe they’re raising their kids with different rules, handling their finances in a way that makes you nervous, or approaching their career in a completely different way than you did. But here’s the beautiful (and terrifying) part of having adult children: they get to make their own choices, even if those choices make you want to pull your hair out. Instead of pushing your way, try saying something like, “That’s an interesting approach—how did you come up with that solution?” or “I’m curious about your thinking on this.” Not only does this show respect for their decision-making process, but it might actually lead to some interesting discussions.
3. “You Should Have Given Me Grandkids By Now.”
The statement “You should have given me grandkids by now” is particularly harmful. It disregards personal boundaries and ignores the complexities of modern life decisions. and dreams instead of pressuring them about life choices they may not be ready for or interested in
Okay, can we just collectively agree that this statement needs to be locked away in a vault somewhere and never see the light of day again? This phrase crashes through boundaries, smashes personal choices, and leaves a mess of hurt feelings in its wake. In today’s world, having children isn’t just about wanting them; it’s about being emotionally ready, financially stable, finding the right partner (if that’s what you want), and oh yeah—actually wanting to be a parent. Plus, let’s not even get started on how this comment hits someone dealing with fertility issues or someone who’s chosen to be child-free.
Listen, I know that grandparent fever is real, and those tiny baby clothes in store windows aren’t making it any easier. But your adult child’s reproductive choices are about as personal as it gets, and putting pressure on them is more likely to push them away than into a baby store. Instead of focusing on what’s missing from your life, try investing in what’s actually there right now. FamilyLife advises asking about their interests, their work, and their dreams. Who knows? Maybe they’re working through some heavy stuff about parenthood and need a supportive ear rather than another nudge toward the nursery.
4. “You Never Call Me Anymore.”
This guilt-trip classic might make you feel better for a hot second, but it’s definitely not going to get you more phone calls. When you say this, what your adult child actually hears is “You’re failing at being a good daughter/son” with a side order of emotional manipulation. They’re probably already juggling a million things—work deadlines, relationships, maybe their own kids, trying to remember if they fed their houseplants this month, and basic self-care like sleeping occasionally.
Relationships are a two-way street, and if you’re feeling disconnected, there are about a thousand better ways to express that than laying on the guilt. Instead of dropping this bomb, try something like, “I love our chats and would love to find a way to connect more regularly. What works best for your schedule?” Maybe they’re more likely to text than call, or perhaps a weekly video chat would work better than sporadic phone calls. The key is to make it feel like you’re problem-solving together rather than pointing fingers. Plus, when you do talk, focus on making those conversations so engaging and judgment-free that they’ll actually want to call back.
5. “You’re Doing It Wrong.”
Let’s take a moment to appreciate how these four little words can instantly transform any adult child back into a frustrated teenager. Whether it’s about their parenting style, career choices, or how they load their dishwasher (yes, really), telling someone they’re “doing it wrong” is basically asking for an all-access pass to fewer invitations to family gatherings. It’s the conversational equivalent of a paper cut—small but surprisingly painful.
The truth is, there’s usually more than one right way to do things (except maybe brain surgery, but let’s assume that’s not what we’re talking about here). Your adult child has probably put thought into their methods, even if those methods make you want to bang your head against the nearest wall. Instead of jumping in with corrections, try asking questions about their approach. You might discover that their “wrong” way actually makes perfect sense for their situation. And if you’re really concerned, try sharing your experience as just that—your experience, not the universal law of how things must be done.
6. “I Sacrificed So Much For You.”
This one’s like dropping an emotional anvil on your relationship—sure, it makes a big impact, but at what cost? Look, every parent has those moments when they want to pull out the sacrifice card. Maybe you’re watching them spend money on something you consider frivolous, or they’ve made a life choice that feels like a rejection of everything you worked for. Those feelings are valid, but your sacrifices, as noble and real as they were, were part of the job description when you signed up for parenthood.
When you start listing your sacrifices, what you’re really saying is “You owe me,” which turns your relationship into some kind of emotional debt collection service (and weakens the impact of what you’ve really done for them, according to Psychology Today). Not exactly the warm, connected relationship you’re probably hoping for, right? Instead of tallying up the sacrifices, try celebrating their independence and resilience—after all, isn’t that what all those sacrifices were for? If you’re feeling underappreciated, open up a genuine dialogue about your relationship and how you can support each other now, as adults.
7. “Why Don’t You Have A Real Job?”
Welcome to the 21st century, where being a digital nomad, content creator, or professional dog photographer can actually pay the bills. This question is coming from an outdated understanding of what work looks like. The job market has changed dramatically, and what constitutes a “real job” today might look nothing like what it did when you were starting out. Remote work, flexible hours, and creative careers aren’t just valid choices—they’re the future.
If your adult child is supporting themselves and finding fulfillment in their work, then it’s a real job, even if you can’t explain it to your bridge club. Instead of questioning their career choices, try asking about their professional goals, the challenges they’re facing, or what excites them about their work. You might discover that their seemingly unconventional career path is actually perfect for their skills and the current economy. As reported by HuffPost, showing genuine interest in their work life, regardless of how unconventional it may seem, can significantly strengthen your relationship.
8. “Are You Really Going To Wear That?”
This question might seem harmless—maybe you really are concerned about that ripped jeans and blazer combo they’re sporting to a family wedding—but it’s actually a tiny judgment bomb that can explode into bigger issues about autonomy and respect. Your adult child’s style choices are their way of expressing themselves, even if that expression makes you wonder if they got dressed blindfolded.
The reality is, that fashion has become more diverse and personal than ever before, and what reads as “inappropriate” to one generation might be perfectly acceptable (or even admired) in another. If you’re genuinely concerned about their attire for a specific event, try having a conversation about the venue or occasion’s expectations rather than criticizing their choices. Better yet, trust that they’re capable of dressing themselves appropriately—they’ve probably been doing it successfully for quite a while now, even if their definition of “appropriate” differs from yours.
9. “That’s Not How We Did It In My Day.”
Every time this phrase pops out, you’ll hear the sound of your adult child’s eyes rolling back into their head. Sure, maybe you raised your kids without iPads, survived without food delivery apps, and had to walk uphill both ways to school in the snow (wearing your older sibling’s hand-me-down boots). But the world has changed more in the past few decades than it did in the previous century, and comparing then and now is like comparing apples and oranges.
Today’s adults are navigating a completely different landscape than you did—economically, socially, technologically, you name it. When you focus on how things were “in your day,” you’re not sharing history; you’re potentially dismissing the very real challenges and innovations of modern life. Instead of comparing eras, try asking questions about how they’re handling today’s unique challenges. You might learn something about modern solutions, and they might actually be interested in hearing about your experiences if they don’t feel like they’re being lectured.
10. “You Never Listen To Me.”
This little gem is the conversational equivalent of throwing gasoline on a fire and wondering why everything’s burning. You’re not just expressing frustration—you’re making a sweeping accusation that probably isn’t entirely true. Your adult child might be listening plenty; they’re just not doing exactly what you suggest, which, let’s be honest, is what we often really mean when we say “You never listen.”
Your adult child has probably absorbed more of your wisdom than you realize, but they need to make their own decisions and learn from their own experiences. That’s not failing to listen; that’s being an independent adult. Instead of this accusation, try acknowledging when they do take your advice or perspective into account, and be open to the possibility that sometimes they might have good reasons for choosing a different path. Better yet, work on being such a good listener yourself that they naturally want to share more with you.
11. “You Should Learn From Your Sibling.”
Whew, if there was ever a fast track to family drama, this is it. Comparing siblings is like trying to compare pizza and sushi— they might both be food, but they’re completely different experiences with their own unique value. When you suggest that one adult child should be more like another, you’re not just offering helpful advice; you’re potentially reigniting every childhood rivalry and insecurity they’ve spent years working through in therapy.
Remember, your adult children are individuals with different strengths, challenges, and paths in life. What works beautifully for one might be a disaster for another. Instead of making comparisons, try celebrating each child’s unique achievements and supporting their individual journeys. If one child has expertise that could genuinely help another, let them figure that out for themselves. Your role is to be a cheerleader for each of their successes, not a comparison coach.
12. “I Told You So.”
This phrase might feel satisfying in the moment—like finally getting to use that “In Case of Emergency” glass-breaking hammer—but it’s not helpful. Yes, maybe you did warn them about that job, that relationship, or that questionable apartment with the “charming” mold problem. And yes, maybe things did turn out exactly as you predicted. But your adult child is already dealing with the consequences of their decision; they don’t need a parental victory lap added to their troubles.
When you say “I told you so,” what you’re really saying is “I’m more interested in being right than in supporting you through this.” Instead of claiming your prophetic victory, try being the safe space they need when things go wrong. Remember, making mistakes and learning from them is how people grow—and wouldn’t you rather be the person they turn to for comfort and advice rather than the person they avoid because they’re afraid of getting a lecture? Next time you’re tempted, try saying something like, “This must be really tough. What can I do to help?” Your relationship will thank you for it.
13. “I Know What’s Best For You.”
This phrase is like trying to use a GPS from 1995 to navigate 2025. Sure, you’ve got more life experience, you’ve seen more things go wrong (and right), and you probably have some genuinely valuable insights to share. But claiming to know what’s best for another adult is like claiming to know exactly what they should order at a restaurant—even if you’re right, it’s still their meal to choose. This statement, however well-intentioned, basically tells your adult child that you don’t trust their judgment or respect their ability to make their own decisions.
Being a parent of an adult means accepting that your role has shifted from director to consultant—and consultants only give advice when asked. Your adult child might make choices that make you want to rip every strand of hair from your head, but those choices are their right to make. Instead of claiming omniscience, try phrases like, “Would you like to hear my perspective on this?” or “I have some experience with similar situations if you’re interested in hearing about it.” This approach keeps the door open for them to actually want your input rather than reflexively rejecting it.
14. “You Don’t Appreciate Me.”
When you say this, you might be feeling genuinely undervalued, but it’s like trying to fix a leaky pipe with guilt—it might stop the drip temporarily, but it’s not addressing the real issue. Your adult child probably does appreciate you more than you realize; they might just show it differently than you expect or be in a life phase where they’re focused on building their own world.
Instead of making this blanket statement that puts them on the defensive, try being specific about what you need from the relationship. Maybe you’d love a weekly phone call, or you miss having family dinners, or you’d appreciate being included in certain decisions. The key is to express these desires as invitations to connect rather than accusations of failure. Try something like, “I really treasure our time together and would love to find more ways to stay connected in our busy lives.” This opens up a conversation about mutual needs and expectations rather than starting a guilt festival. Remember, appreciation, like respect, tends to grow naturally in relationships where both parties feel heard and valued.
15. “Why Can’t You Be More…”
Whether it’s “more responsible,” “more ambitious,” “more organized,” or “more like you used to be,” this phrase is critical, ready to slice through your adult child’s self-esteem from multiple angles. When you start a sentence with “Why can’t you be more…” you’re essentially telling them that who they are right now isn’t enough. It’s like walking into someone’s house and immediately starting to rearrange their furniture—even if you have good intentions, you’re overstepping some serious boundaries.
Maybe you see untapped potential in your child, or you’re worried about them not living up to what you believe they could achieve. But remember: your adult child is on their own journey of self-discovery and growth, moving at their own pace and following their own path. Instead of wishing they were “more” of something, try celebrating who they are right now. Ask questions about their interests and goals with genuine curiosity. Focus on understanding their version of success rather than imposing your vision of who they should be. Sometimes the best thing we can say is nothing at all—just being present and supportive can speak volumes more than any suggestion for improvement.
