When someone’s going through a tough time, our instinct is to make things better. But sometimes, our well-intentioned words can miss the mark, even when we’re trying our hardest to help. The art of offering genuine comfort lies not in trying to fix the situation, but in creating a space where people feel truly heard and supported. Here’s a thoughtful guide to common expressions that could do more harm than good, and what you might say instead to show genuine support and empathy.
1. “God Works In Mysterious Ways.”
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This religious platitude, though well-intentioned, can feel deeply invalidating to someone struggling with loss or hardship, regardless of their spiritual beliefs. It suggests that their pain is part of some greater plan that they should accept or find comfort in, which can feel dismissive of their very real and present suffering. For some, this phrase might even trigger anger or a spiritual crisis, especially if they’re questioning their faith in light of their experiences.
Try saying instead: “I know this is incredibly difficult” or “I’m here to support you through this, whatever you’re feeling.” These responses acknowledge their pain without attempting to explain it away or find a divine purpose in it. They offer unconditional support while respecting the person’s own spiritual journey and interpretation of their experiences.
2. “At Least They’re In A Better Place Now.”
Though often said with the best intentions, this spiritual assumption can feel dismissive of someone’s immediate grief and pain, potentially adding to their emotional burden rather than lightening it. It attempts to find a silver lining when the person might just need to sit with their sadness and process their loss in their own way. Your attempt to provide comfort might not align with their beliefs or current emotional needs and could make them feel guilty for not finding solace in this perspective. This phrase can also create an unspoken pressure to accept or agree with a religious or spiritual interpretation of their loss when they might be questioning or struggling with such beliefs. Plus, adding the “at least” minimizes their pain, according to Psychology Today.
Try: “I’m here to remember them with you” or “It’s okay to miss them.” These responses acknowledge the loss while offering support without imposing religious or spiritual beliefs. They create a safe space for the grieving person to express their feelings honestly. This approach respects their personal journey through grief while ensuring they know they have your support, regardless of their spiritual beliefs or current emotional state.
3. “Death Is A Part Of Life.”
While technically true, this philosophical statement often feels cold and academic when someone is in the raw stages of grief. It attempts to rationalize an emotional experience that defies simple logic or explanation. The phrase can make someone feel as though their pain is being intellectualized or that they’re overreacting to something “natural,” when in reality, the personal impact of loss is anything but simple or academic. This approach can leave people feeling more isolated in their grief as if their emotional response is somehow inappropriate or excessive.
Instead, go with: “I know how much they meant to you” or “I’m here to listen and remember them with you.” These responses acknowledge the personal significance of their loss while offering emotional support. They validate the unique impact of this death on their life without trying to minimize or explain away their pain through philosophical generalizations.
4. “Let Me Know If You Need Anything.”
While this offer comes from a place of caring, it often puts the burden of asking for help on someone who might already be overwhelmed. According to the Harvard Business Review, many people struggle to ask for specific support, even when they desperately need it. This vague offer can feel like an empty gesture rather than genuine assistance. The open-ended nature of the offer can actually make it harder for someone to reach out, as they might worry about imposing or asking for too much. This can leave them feeling unsupported, even when surrounded by well-meaning people.
Instead, try making specific offers: “I’m bringing dinner over on Tuesday—would you prefer lasagna or chicken soup?” or “I’m free on Saturday morning to help with errands or just keep you company.” These concrete offers make it easier for someone to accept help without feeling like they’re imposing. They show that you’re genuinely willing to provide support while removing the emotional labor of having to think about and ask for specific assistance.
5. “How Are You Doing?”
While this seems like a caring question, according to Psychology Today, it can feel overwhelming or superficial to someone going through a difficult time, especially when asked repeatedly by different people. The broad nature of the question puts pressure on them to either summarize complex emotions into a simple response or deflect with a generic “fine.” Many people struggle with this question because they feel obligated to protect others from their true feelings or because they simply don’t know how to articulate their current emotional state. This can lead to feelings of isolation even when surrounded by supporters.
Try instead: “I’m thinking of you today” or “Would you like to grab coffee and talk, or just sit together for a while?” These alternatives remove the pressure to perform emotional labor while still showing you care. They offer concrete support while letting the person choose how much they want to share and when. This gives them control over the interaction and shows that you’re available without demanding an immediate emotional status report.
6. “Don’t Think Of The Bad Times, Remember The Good Times.”
While this advice might seem helpful, it invalidates the complex nature of grief and healing by suggesting that selective memory is the key to feeling better. This approach can make someone feel guilty for experiencing negative emotions or remembering difficult moments as if they’re somehow failing at grieving “correctly.” The suggestion to only focus on positive memories denies the important role that processing all aspects of a relationship or experience plays in healing. It’s natural and healthy to remember both the good and challenging times as part of coming to terms with loss.
Instead, try saying: “All of your memories and feelings are valid” or “It’s okay to have complicated feelings about what happened.” This approach acknowledges the full spectrum of their experience and emotions, giving them permission to process their loss in whatever way feels natural to them. By validating both positive and negative memories, you help create a more supportive environment for authentic healing and genuine emotional processing.
7. “You’ll Be Okay.”
Although intended as reassurance, this statement can feel dismissive of someone’s current pain and struggle, implying that their feelings aren’t valid or that they should be moving toward “okay” faster than they are. This can lead to what Healthline calls “disenfranchised grief” and it can create additional pressure to reach some undefined state of “okay-ness” when they might be in the depths of processing difficult emotions. The phrase also carries an implicit timeline for recovery that might not match their actual healing process, potentially making them feel inadequate or broken if they’re not progressing as quickly as others think they should.
Consider instead: “It’s okay to not be okay right now” or “I’m here with you through this, whatever you’re feeling.” These responses validate their current emotional state while offering steady support. They acknowledge that healing isn’t linear and that there’s no predetermined timeline for processing difficult experiences. This approach helps them feel accepted and supported exactly where they are in their journey.
8.”You’ll Find Someone New Someday.”
While meant to offer hope, it can feel like you’re minimizing the significance of their past relationship and the depth of their current pain, as if their lost connection was easily replaceable or that their happiness depends on finding someone new. This dismissive approach can make someone feel misunderstood and pressure them to move on before they’re ready, potentially hampering their natural healing process. Many people need time to rebuild their sense of self and process their emotions before even considering new relationships.
A better approach would be saying: “This loss is significant, and it’s okay to take time to grieve” or “I’m here to listen whenever you need to talk about it.” These responses validate their current feelings and show that you understand the depth of their loss. By acknowledging the present pain without pushing them toward future relationships, you create a safe space for them to experience their emotions authentically. This support helps them feel understood and respected in their grieving process, without any pressure to “get over it” or rush into something new.
9. “I Know Exactly How You Feel.”
While you might have experienced similar circumstances, everyone’s emotional journey is unique and deeply personal. This phrase can come across as diminishing their individual experience and shifting the focus to your own story, even when that’s the last thing you intend. You might feel tempted to share your personal experience to show understanding, but this could inadvertently minimize their unique situation and make them feel like their feelings are being compared or measured against yours. When someone is in pain, they often need their experience to be acknowledged as uniquely their own.
Consider saying: “I hear how difficult this is for you” or “Would you like to tell me more about how you’re feeling?” These responses create space for them to share their experience without comparison and show you’re truly listening to their specific situation. By keeping the focus on their journey and emotions, you’re validating their experience and showing that you’re there to support them through their unique process, not to measure it against anyone else’s.
10. “At Least They Lived A Good Life!”
This attempt at finding a silver lining can feel like it’s minimizing the profound sense of loss someone is experiencing, regardless of how long or well their loved one lived. It suggests that their grief should be lessened because of positive aspects of the deceased’s life, which isn’t how emotional processing typically works. The phrase can also make people feel guilty for grieving deeply when others might have “less fortunate” losses, creating an unnecessary hierarchy of grief that doesn’t serve anyone’s healing process.
Consider saying: “They made such an impact on so many lives” or “Would you like to share some stories about them?” These responses honor both the deceased and the grieving person’s feelings while opening space for meaningful remembrance. They acknowledge that the quality of someone’s life doesn’t diminish the pain of losing them and allows for a more nuanced exploration of memory and loss.
11. “It Just Takes Time.”
While there’s truth in this statement, it oversimplifies the complex and non-linear nature of healing from loss or trauma. This can feel dismissive of the active emotional work someone is doing to process their experience, suggesting that they should passively wait for time to heal them. It can also create anxiety if someone doesn’t feel they’re healing at the “right” pace, leading to additional stress about their grieving process. The phrase doesn’t acknowledge that healing often requires active engagement, support, and sometimes professional help, not just the passive passage of time.
Try: “I’ll be here with you through this process, however long it takes” or “Everyone’s journey is different, and that’s okay.” These responses acknowledge that healing is a personal journey while offering ongoing support. They validate that there’s no “right” timeline for recovery and that each person’s process deserves respect and understanding.
12. “Everything Happens For A Reason.”
This common phrase, though meant to provide comfort, can feel particularly insensitive to someone experiencing profound loss or hardship. It suggests that their pain serves some greater purpose, which can feel both minimizing and frustrating when they’re in the midst of it. The implication that their suffering is somehow justified or necessary can create an additional emotional burden, making them feel pressure to find meaning in their pain before they’re ready. It also oversimplifies complex life events and can make people feel guilty for not being able to see or accept this supposed “reason.”
Instead, try: “This situation is really unfair, and it’s okay to feel that way” or “You don’t have to make sense of this right now.” These responses validate their feelings without forcing a perspective of meaning or purpose. They create space for authentic emotional processing without the pressure to find silver linings or greater significance in their pain.
13. “Stay Strong.”
While intended as encouragement, this phrase can create unnecessary pressure to maintain a facade of strength when someone really needs to process their emotions authentically. It implies that showing vulnerability or expressing difficult feelings is somehow weak, which can lead to unhealthy emotional suppression. The expectation to “stay strong” can prevent people from seeking help when they need it, thinking they should be able to handle everything on their own. This can be particularly harmful when someone needs permission to fully experience and express their grief or pain.
Try saying: “It’s okay to feel whatever you’re feeling” or “You don’t have to handle this alone.” These responses create permission for authentic emotional expression while offering support. They acknowledge that true strength sometimes means allowing yourself to be vulnerable and accepting help from others.
14. “I Know What Will Cheer You Up.”
While the intention to help someone feel better is good, suggesting immediate solutions or distractions can make them feel like their feelings are something to be fixed rather than experienced and worked through. It can also create pressure to respond positively to suggested activities or solutions when they might not be ready for that kind of engagement. This approach might make them feel misunderstood or guilty for not wanting to be “cheered up.”
Consider: “I’m here to listen if you want to talk, or we can just sit quietly together” or “What kind of support would be most helpful right now?” These responses put control back in their hands and show that you’re willing to meet them where they are emotionally. They acknowledge that sometimes people need space to feel their feelings before moving toward lighter moments.
15. “Try To Stay Positive .”
This common phrase suggests that they should be able to simply choose to focus on the positives when they might be dealing with legitimate grief, anger, or pain. The pressure to find silver linings can make people feel guilty about their natural emotional responses and create additional stress about not being “positive enough” in their approach to challenges. This kind of toxic positivity can actually hinder genuine emotional processing and healing.
Try instead: “This is really tough, and it’s okay to feel that way” or “I’m here to support you through both the hard and easier moments.” These responses validate their current emotional experience while offering steady support. They acknowledge that it’s natural and healthy to feel negative emotions without rushing to find positive aspects of difficult situations.
