13 Ways Boomer Parents Traumatized Their Kids Without Meaning To

13 Ways Boomer Parents Traumatized Their Kids Without Meaning To

Boomer parents—masters of “because I said so,” questionable parenting tactics, and unintentional chaos. Sure, they didn’t mean to mess us up (most of the time), but growing up under their roof often felt like a crash course in emotional resilience. They were raising kids in a different era, one that didn’t exactly prioritize mental health or open communication. From overly tough love to outdated rules that made zero sense, their well-meaning actions sometimes left scars they didn’t even realize they were creating.

1. Dismissing Their Struggles With Comparison

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Remember the good old days when walking uphill both ways to school was the ultimate badge of honor? Boomer parents loved to remind their kids of how much harder things were back in their time. While this was meant to instill a sense of appreciation for modern conveniences, it often felt like a way to dismiss the struggles their kids faced in the present. Sure, there were no smartphones or internet back then, but that didn’t mean today’s challenges weren’t valid. The intent was to cultivate gratitude, but it often left kids feeling misunderstood or belittled. According to a study published in the International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, dismissive parenting styles can negatively impact children’s socio-emotional development and self-esteem.

Kids of boomer parents sometimes felt they couldn’t measure up to the legendary feats of resilience their folks bragged about. It was as if the trials of the past were the gold standard against which all future hardships would be measured. In trying to teach their children to be grateful, they inadvertently taught them that their own struggles weren’t important. The ‘toughen up’ mantra, while preparing them for some of life’s challenges, also often closed the door to deeper conversations about mental health and emotional well-being. If only there were an app for that kind of understanding back then!

2. Using Excessive “Tough Love”

Boomer parents sure did love the concept of “tough love.” The idea was to prepare their kids for the often harsh realities of the world, but sometimes it just felt, well, a little too tough. Kids often walked away from these lessons feeling more bruised than bolstered. While the intention was to build resilience and independence, the execution sometimes left kids feeling like they weren’t worthy of compassion or softness. It wasn’t always clear if the lesson was supposed to make them stronger or just more stoic. There’s a fine line between preparing your kids for life and making them feel like they must face it alone.

According to Psychology Today, this approach could leave lasting impressions, often making children question their worth if they weren’t up to par with parental expectations. They were expected to learn the hard way, even when a kind word or an understanding gesture could have sufficed. The intent was to cultivate self-reliance, but it often felt like an emotional boot camp. Instead of fostering open communication and vulnerability, it sometimes encouraged emotional walls and silent struggles. Perhaps, a little tenderness would have gone a long way in balancing out all that grit.

3. Teaching Them To Bottle Up Their Feelings

For many boomer parents, emotional expression was something to be contained rather than explored. The mantra “big boys don’t cry” or “don’t be a drama queen” was often the unspoken rule of the household. While the intent was to toughen kids up, it sometimes left them feeling emotionally stunted or misunderstood. Children grew up learning to suppress their feelings instead of expressing them, leading to miscommunications and emotional disconnection. Holding in emotions was seen as a strength, but it often turned into an emotional ticking time bomb. Tears and tantrums were seen as weaknesses rather than opportunities for growth.

The focus on emotional restraint often led to kids feeling like their emotions were invalid or unimportant. Instead of being encouraged to explore and understand their feelings, they were nudged to bottle them up and move on. The intention was to prepare them for a world that isn’t always kind, but it often left them ill-equipped to handle the emotional ups and downs of adult life. A little acknowledgment and validation of those feelings could have gone a long way. According to The Children’s Society, allowing children to express their emotions freely is crucial for their emotional well-being.

4. Shutting Down Questions And Curiosity

Ah, the famous saying that signaled the end of every debate: “Because I said so.” This phrase was a staple in the boomer parenting playbook. It was a conversation stopper that left no room for further discussion or understanding. While it aimed to assert authority and ensure compliance, it often felt like a frustrating dead-end for inquisitive minds. Kids were left in the dark, wondering about the “why” behind the rules and decisions. Curiosity might have killed the cat, but it certainly didn’t kill the child’s desire to understand.

This phrase often nipped curiosity in the bud and left kids feeling unheard. Instead of fostering an environment of open dialogue and mutual respect, it established a precedent of unquestioned obedience. The intent was to maintain order and discipline, but it often came at the cost of understanding and trust. If only there had been a way to explain the reasoning without feeling like a power struggle was brewing. It’s hard to develop critical thinking skills when the most critical question of all—”Why?”—is off-limits.

5. Damaging Self-Worth Through Constant Comparisons

Ever felt like your life was a competition with the neighbor’s kid or your cousin? Boomer parents had an uncanny ability to compare their children to others in every possible way. Whether it was grades, sports, or even the cleanliness of their room, someone else was always setting the bar. While the intent was to motivate and inspire success, the outcome was often pressure and a nagging sense of inadequacy. It was hard to feel like you were enough when someone else was always better. “Why can’t you be more like so-and-so?” echoed in many children’s ears.

This constant comparison often fostered a sense of unhealthy competition rather than personal growth. Kids grew up feeling like they were constantly in someone else’s shadow, striving for an ideal that wasn’t theirs to begin with. It shifted the focus from personal achievements to meeting external standards, making it hard to find joy in one’s own successes. The intention to inspire often missed the mark, instead sowing seeds of self-doubt and insecurity. A little encouragement to be the best version of oneself, rather than someone else, might have been the healthier approach.

6. Ruining Trust By Not Acknowledging Mistakes

Boomer parents weren’t always big on the apology front, often expecting kids to “just get over it” instead of offering a heartfelt “I’m sorry.” While the intent was to teach resilience and forgiveness, it often left kids feeling unheard and their grievances unaddressed. This lack of acknowledgment could sow seeds of resentment and misunderstanding. The missed opportunity for an apology often meant missed opportunities for growth and healing. An apology could have been a powerful tool for teaching empathy and accountability.

The absence of apologies often led kids to feel their feelings weren’t valid or important. The focus was often on moving forward rather than reflecting on past mistakes and learning from them. The intent was to foster strength, but it sometimes felt like an emotional dismissal. A little acknowledgment of hurt feelings could have paved the way for stronger, more trusting relationships. The Good Men Project emphasizes that acknowledging and learning from mistakes as parents is crucial for developing empathy and effective communication skills.

7. Violating Personal Boundaries

For boomer parents, privacy wasn’t always a priority—or even a consideration. Doors were often left open, diaries were fair game, and phone calls were definitely monitored. While parents were trying to keep their kids safe and informed, the lack of privacy often left children feeling violated and untrusted. It was a tough balance between wanting to protect and inadvertently invading personal boundaries. This approach, while rooted in care, often ended up fostering a sense of rebellion instead of openness. It’s hard to be honest when you feel your every move is being watched.

The intent might have been to protect, but the execution sometimes led to a lack of trust and communication. Kids felt like they had to hide their true selves to maintain some semblance of independence. Instead of promoting honesty and transparency, it often led to secrecy and rebellion. The challenge was finding a way to respect individuality while ensuring safety—a delicate balance that wasn’t always achieved. In retrospect, a little more room to breathe might have nurtured more open and honest relationships.

8. Causing Burnout From High Expectations

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Boomer parents had a knack for setting high expectations, often leaving kids feeling pressured to excel in every aspect of life. From academics to extracurricular activities, the bar was set high and the stakes seemed even higher. While the intention was to motivate and encourage success, the pressure often led to stress and burnout. It was a double-edged sword, where achievement was celebrated but anything less was often met with disappointment. This constant push for excellence sometimes overshadowed the importance of balance and well-being.

The high expectations often left kids feeling like they were never quite enough. The pressure to perform, to always be at the top, could overshadow the joy of learning and growth. The intent was to prepare them for a competitive world, but it sometimes felt like climbing an endless ladder. A little room for failure and growth might have gone a long way in fostering a healthier outlook on life and success. Perfection is a tough standard to live up to.

9. Demanding Constant Activity

Boomer parents often valued productivity and busyness as indicators of success, leaving little time for rest or relaxation. Kids were enrolled in numerous activities, from piano lessons to soccer practice, in an effort to make the most of their time. While the intent was to broaden horizons and develop skills, it often led to burnout and a lack of downtime. The emphasis on being constantly busy sometimes overlooked the importance of unstructured play and relaxation. Kids grew up with jam-packed schedules and little time to just be kids.

The focus on busyness often led to a sense of exhaustion and overwhelm, as there was always something to do or achieve. While the intention was to encourage growth and development, it sometimes felt like a relentless race with no finish line. The importance of downtime and self-care was often overshadowed by the drive for constant productivity. A little more emphasis on the value of rest and relaxation could have made for a more balanced childhood experience. Being busy and being productive aren’t always the same thing.

10. Pushing For Perfection

Kids were expected to excel in school, sports, and social circles, leaving little room for mistakes or failure. While the intent was to encourage success and achievement, the pressure often led to stress and anxiety. The pursuit of perfection sometimes overshadowed the importance of learning from errors and growing through experience. Kids grew up feeling like they were always being evaluated and found lacking.

This relentless pursuit of perfection often led to a sense of inadequacy and pressure to perform. While the intention was to motivate and inspire, it sometimes felt like an impossible standard to meet. The focus on perfection often left little room for exploration and creativity, as mistakes were seen as failures rather than opportunities for growth. A little more acceptance of imperfection could have fostered a healthier outlook on life and learning. It’s through our imperfections that we truly learn and grow.

11. Neglecting Mental Health By Making It Taboo

Mental health wasn’t a topic that was openly discussed or understood by Boomers. The focus was often on physical health, while emotional and mental well-being were overlooked. While the intent was to maintain a strong and healthy family, the lack of conversation around mental health sometimes led to misunderstandings and unaddressed struggles. Kids grew up with little understanding of mental health issues and how to address them. The silence around these topics often perpetuated stigma and prevented open dialogue.

The absence of mental health conversations often led kids to feel isolated and unsupported in their struggles. While the intention was to foster a strong family unit, it sometimes left kids feeling like they had to navigate their mental health challenges alone. The importance of mental health was often overshadowed by the emphasis on physical health and achievement. A little more openness and conversation about mental health could have paved the way for understanding and support. Mental health is just as important as physical health, and it deserves the same attention and care.

12. Overloading Them With Chores

For boomer parents, chores weren’t just tasks—they were the Olympic events of household management. Kids were often expected to tackle a list of chores that rivaled a small army’s responsibilities. The intent was to teach responsibility and the value of hard work, but sometimes it just felt overwhelming. Saturdays weren’t for cartoons, but for dusting, vacuuming, and mowing the lawn. While these skills were important, they often left little room for relaxation or childhood fun.

The emphasis on chores sometimes led kids to feel more like unpaid labor than beloved family members. The balance between responsibilities and playtime wasn’t always achieved, and chores often felt like a burden rather than a learning opportunity. While the intent was to instill a strong work ethic, it sometimes overshadowed the importance of creativity and leisure. A little more play and a little less polish might have made for a more balanced childhood experience. There’s more to life than a perfectly manicured lawn.

13. Instilling Unnecessary “Stranger Danger” Fear

For boomer parents, the world outside was filled with potential threats, and “stranger danger” was a constant refrain. While it’s undeniably important to teach children about safety, the constant warnings sometimes left kids feeling fearful and anxious about the world around them. Instead of fostering a healthy awareness, it sometimes cultivated a sense of constant vigilance and mistrust. The intent was to protect, but it sometimes overshadowed the joys of exploration and new friendships. Kids grew up wary of new experiences, always questioning the intentions of those around them.

This hyper-awareness of potential threats often led to a sense of isolation and fear. While the intent was to instill caution, it sometimes resulted in anxiety and hesitation in new situations. The world was painted as a dangerous place, leaving little room for carefree adventure. A little more focus on positive interactions and trust-building might have balanced out the fear factor. A world filled with potential friends is a lot more inviting than one filled with potential dangers.

Georgia is a passionate story-teller and accomplished lifestyle journalist originally from Australia, now based in New York City. She writes lifestyle content for Bolde Media, publishers of Bolde, Star Candy and Earth Animals.