You’ve finally done it. You’ve broken free from a narcissist’s control, set boundaries, and maybe even cut contact completely. But just when you think you’re in the clear, you start noticing something strange. People are treating you differently. Friends seem hesitant. Colleagues are suddenly distant. What’s happening? Well, when narcissists can’t control you directly anymore, they often switch tactics to control how others perceive you instead. It’s a subtle form of manipulation that can be hard to spot and even harder to counter. Below are fifteen tactics to watch out for.
1. They Rewrite The Story Of Your Relationship
Remember all those times you supported them, showed up for them, and went above and beyond? Well, according to their revised history, that never happened. Instead, they’ll tell others how they were always the giving one while you took advantage. They’ll conveniently omit the times they let you down, broke promises, or treated you poorly, replacing these truths with a fictional narrative where they were perfect and you were problematic.
This selective memory isn’t random—it’s strategic. According to Psychology Today, by repositioning themselves as the hero, they’re able to garner sympathy while simultaneously painting you as ungrateful or difficult. And because they often tell these stories with such conviction, people who weren’t there to witness your actual relationship might believe them. It’s maddening to hear someone confidently rewrite your reality, but remember that their need to revise history actually reveals how threatening your truth is to them.
2. They Make Others Feel Sorry For Them Instead Of You
“I’m really trying to be supportive, but it’s so hard dealing with them right now,” they sigh to mutual friends, shaking their head sadly. The narcissist becomes an Oscar-worthy actor in their own victim narrative, according to Well + Good, and somehow they’re suffering tremendously because of your choices or behavior. They’ll share how hurt they are, how confused, how they just want to help you but you won’t let them.
Before you know it, people are checking on them instead of you, even though you might be the one actually recovering from their mistreatment. It’s a clever redirection tactic—by positioning themselves as the wounded party, they ensure that support and sympathy flow toward them rather than you. This not only secures them attention (which they crave) but also subtly suggests there’s something wrong with you for causing such distress to this “poor soul.”
3. They Link You To People Others Dislike
“You know, they’ve been hanging out with that crowd lately,” they’ll mention casually, referencing a group or individual with a questionable reputation. Whether it’s true or not doesn’t matter to them—the link is what counts. Suddenly, you’re guilty by association in others’ eyes, tainted by the perceived negative traits of people you may barely even know.
This tactic works because humans naturally make judgment shortcuts. If you’re linked with someone viewed negatively, some of that negativity transfers to you without any actual evidence. The narcissist knows this psychological principle and exploits it masterfully. They might even create entirely fictional connections, knowing that once the seed is planted in someone’s mind, the doubt about you has already taken root. Before you have a chance to clarify, the damage to your reputation has been done.
4. They Tell Others That You’re ‘Unstable’
“I’m really concerned about them lately… they’ve been acting… different,” they’ll say with perfectly feigned concern. The narcissist plants seeds of doubt about your mental stability, suggesting to others that your behavior is erratic, concerning, or unpredictable. They might even reference private moments when you were legitimately upset (often due to their mistreatment) as “evidence” of your supposed instability.
This preemptive strike serves multiple purposes in their campaign against you. First, it discredits anything negative you might say about them—after all, you’re just “unwell” and not seeing things clearly. Second, it positions them as insightful and patient for dealing with someone so “troubled.” And finally, it ensures that if you do react emotionally to their behind-the-scenes manipulation, it only confirms the narrative they’ve already established. It’s a trap designed to make defending yourself appear as further proof of your supposed instability.
5. They Express Fake Worry About You
“I just hope they’re doing okay,” they say with a concerned frown to your mutual friends. “They’ve been making some choices lately that aren’t like them at all.” The narcissist presents themselves as genuinely concerned about your wellbeing while simultaneously implying there’s something wrong with you. They speak as if they care deeply, but their “worry” is actually a weapon designed to damage how others see you.
This false concern is particularly effective because it masquerades as kindness. Who would suspect someone of manipulation when they seem so worried about you? But notice how their “concern” always contains a subtle criticism or raises questions about your judgment, choices, or mental state. They’re not actually hoping you’re doing well—they’re hoping others will begin to see you as someone who needs to be worried about. It’s reputation damage disguised as care.
6. They Sabotage Your New Relationships And Friendships
You introduce your new friend or partner to your social circle, and mysteriously, things get weird. The narcissist has been busy, whispering warnings, sharing “confidential concerns,” or telling embarrassing stories about you that weren’t theirs to share. They reach out to your new connections with suspiciously perfect timing, offering themselves as a resource to “understand” you better—which really means poisoning the well.
This sabotage happens because your new relationships threaten them and, according to Psych Central, they can’t see you happy without it directly benefiting themselves. Healthy connections might show you how unhealthy the narcissist’s treatment was, or worse (in their mind), provide you with support and validation they can’t control. So they interfere, creating tension or doubt before your new relationships can fully form. They might even approach your new connections with friendly overtures, seeming helpful while actually gathering information or planting seeds of doubt about you. Their goal is to ensure no relationship provides you with the support that might further diminish their influence.
7. They Have People Who Watch And Report On You
Suddenly, the narcissist seems to know things about your life that they shouldn’t know—where you went for dinner, who you were talking to at an event, or what new project you’re working on. It feels like you’re being watched because, in a way, you are. They’ve enlisted mutual friends, acquaintances, or even family members as unwitting informants who feed them information about your life.
Sometimes these “flying monkeys” (as they’re often called, according to Verywell Mind) don’t even realize they’re being used. They think they’re just having a normal conversation when they mention what you’ve been up to, not recognizing that they’re feeding a system designed to keep tabs on you. The narcissist cultivates these information channels carefully, often appearing casually interested rather than intensely focused on your activities. This surveillance network helps them stay one step ahead, allowing them to counter any moves you make toward building a new narrative or establishing new connections.
8. They Leave Out Important Context When Telling Stories
“Did you know they completely missed the deadline for that important project?” they’ll share with colleagues, conveniently omitting that you were in the hospital at the time. The narcissist becomes a master of telling partial truths—technically accurate but misleading due to critical missing information. They share incidents from your past or present without the context that would explain or justify your actions.
This selective editing is devastating because defending yourself always sounds like making excuses. You’re left trying to add context that seems self-serving, while they appear to be simply stating facts. They count on others not asking for the full story and benefit from the human tendency to make snap judgments based on limited information. By controlling which parts of the story get told, they effectively control the conclusions others draw about you, all while maintaining plausible deniability—after all, they never technically lied.
9. They Paint Themselves As Your Mentor
“I’ve really tried to guide them over the years,” they sigh thoughtfully to others. “They’ve got potential, but…” The narcissist positions themselves as your wise teacher, your patient guide, someone who has been instrumental in your development. This framing instantly creates a hierarchy with them above you, casting you in the role of their less accomplished student regardless of your actual achievements.
This mentor narrative serves several manipulative purposes. It suggests they know you better than you know yourself, giving weight to their opinions about you. It implies any success you’ve had is partly their doing, allowing them to claim credit for your achievements. And perhaps most insidiously, it establishes them as an authority on you, making others more likely to believe their assessments of your character, abilities, or choices. By positioning themselves as the wise senior figure in your story, they undermine your authority to tell your own narrative.
10. They Claim You Misremember Events That Happened
“That’s not how it happened at all,” they say with absolute conviction, making you question your own memory. When speaking to others about shared experiences, they present completely different versions of events than what you know occurred. They insist conversations never happened, promises were never made, or incidents you clearly remember unfolded entirely differently.
This tactic is gaslighting extended to your social circle. By contradicting your reality so confidently, they create doubt not just in your mind but in the minds of others about your reliability as a narrator. The narcissist speaks with such certainty that those who weren’t present often believe their version simply because of their unwavering confidence. Even when you have evidence, they’ll find ways to dismiss it or reinterpret it. This pattern leaves you constantly defending your memory and perception, which itself can make you appear defensive or obsessed with the past.
11. They Share Private Information About You
The joke you made in private that sounded awful out of context? The personal struggle you confided during an intimate moment? Suddenly, people seem to know about these things, and you realize your privacy has been violated. The narcissist selectively shares confidential information about you to create a specific impression, using your personal disclosures as social currency.
This betrayal serves multiple purposes in their campaign to control others’ perceptions of you. By revealing private information, they position themselves as an insider with special knowledge, enhancing their credibility when speaking about you. They cherry-pick which private details to share, ensuring they craft the exact impression they want others to have. And there’s something more sinister at play: they’re sending you a message that nothing is sacred, that your vulnerability with them has consequences. It’s a power move designed to demonstrate control even after you’ve pulled away.
12. They Pretend To Defend You While Actually Criticizing
“I know everyone thinks they’re being difficult right now, but we have to remember they’re going through a lot,” they say with apparent compassion. On the surface, it sounds like they’re standing up for you, but listen closely—embedded in their “defense” is confirmation that others think poorly of you and a subtle suggestion that there’s something wrong with you (you’re “going through a lot” or “having a hard time”).
This backhanded defense is brilliant manipulation because it positions them as magnanimous while actually reinforcing negative perceptions. They get to look like the bigger person for defending you while simultaneously validating and amplifying criticisms. The listener walks away with both the criticism and the supposed context for it more firmly established in their mind. Even more perversely, if you ever call them out on this tactic, they can act wounded—after all, they were “defending” you when no one else would.
13. They Attribute Their Negative Traits To You
The narcissist who constantly lied to you now tells others that you’re dishonest. The person who was always jealous and controlling now describes you as possessive. In psychology, this is called projection, but for the narcissist, it’s not just a defense mechanism—it’s a strategic offensive move to discredit you before you can call out their behavior.
This reversal serves them in multiple ways. It neutralizes any accusations you might make by establishing that you’re “known” for the very behaviors you might call them out on. If you later say they lied or were manipulative, others who’ve heard their projection might think, “That’s funny coming from them,” creating a preemptive shield for the narcissist. Additionally, it allows them to disown the traits they’re uncomfortable acknowledging in themselves by mentally relocating these qualities in you. The most frustrating part is that when you try to defend yourself, the very anger or frustration you feel at being falsely accused can be used as “evidence” of the negative trait they’ve projected onto you.
14. They Reframe Your Boundaries As Selfish Demands
“They suddenly decided they needed ‘space’ and cut everyone off,” they explain, shaking their head in confusion and concern. What you know was a healthy boundary necessary for your wellbeing gets repackaged to others as irrational, hurtful, or extreme behavior. Your reasonable limits become “proof” of your selfishness or instability in the narcissist’s revised narrative.
This distortion is particularly effective because most people value relationships and can be troubled by the idea of someone “arbitrarily” cutting connections. The narcissist exploits this by stripping away all the context that led to your boundary-setting. They omit their boundary violations, the pattern of disrespect, or the impact their behavior had on you. Instead, they present your response in isolation, making it appear unprovoked and unreasonable. By framing your self-protection as an attack, they position themselves as the reasonable party still trying to maintain connection despite your “difficult” behavior.
15. They Spread Doubt About Your Intentions
“I’m sure they meant well, but…” they say with a skeptical expression, before suggesting your motivations weren’t as pure as they seemed. The narcissist raises suspicions about why you do what you do, implying there are hidden, self-serving agendas behind your actions. Even your kindest gestures become suspect under their interpretive lens.
This undermining works because intention matters to how people judge actions. The same behavior can be viewed completely differently depending on the perceived motivation behind it. By questioning your intentions, the narcissist tarnishes the goodwill your actions might generate. They might suggest you help others only to look good, that your generosity is actually manipulation, or that your success comes at others’ expense. This constant questioning creates a cloud of suspicion that follows you, making others hesitant to fully trust or appreciate you. Even when people can’t quite put their finger on why, they’re left with a vague sense that there’s something not quite right about your motives.
