It’s Been Over A Year But I’m Still SUPER Bitter About My Last Breakup

My ex and I have been broken up for over a year and haven’t communicated in months. In fact, the only thing I communicated to him about was regarding money he owed me. I was relieved yet also bitter when we broke up and I thought the feelings would go away with time, but over a year later and those feelings still burn within me. Is this normal?

  1. Every time I think about him, I feel a slow burning rage. He crosses my mind from time to time and when he does, all of the receptors in my brain seem to turn my blood into hot flaming lava. I know it’s probably not healthy to feel this kind of anger toward someone, but I’m also human. Perhaps it’s my body’s way of reminding me to never ever ever go there again. Can you relate?
  2. I’m not over how he broke up with me. My ex-boyfriend broke up with me over the phone after I’d tried to break up with him the week before in person. I hated him for doing that because it felt like he wanted to feel some kind of power and control over our situation, depriving me of the same opportunity. Had we broken up in person, we both may have felt a sense of resolve. His way was cowardly, and after being in my life for multiple years, ending our relationship like this was inconsiderate and disrespectful.
  3. He really messed with my self-esteem. If you’re like me, it’s taken you many years and a lot of personal work to find true self-esteem and confidence. And, if you’re also like me you work hard not to let anyone take that away from you. When my ex-boyfriend and I broke up, I felt like he swung a bat at my self-esteem, trying to break it. Sometimes actions and words are equally as loud as each other and when they’re used together to break someone else down, they can be lethal. As a result, it can harm your confidence and self-worth.
  4. I don’t want him back but I kind of want him to suffer. Am I a horrible person for wanting him to suffer a little bit? In addition to our actual breakup, he did some horrible things to me that I feel super vengeful about. I suffered over those few months leading up to our break up and sometimes I want him to pay for what he did to me. I know this isn’t the nicest thing to say and I’m ashamed of feeling this way, but this is how I truly feel. They say that you need to face your demons, even the darkest ones, in order to beat them, right?
  5. Maybe I didn’t get as much closure as I needed. I thought that I got the closure I needed to move on from our relationship but now, in examining my bitter feelings, I’m starting to doubt myself. Some say that closure doesn’t come immediately. Sometimes it comes in waves or stages. Maybe my bitterness will be released one day when I’ve received that ultimate closure in whatever form it comes.
  6. I’m happy in my new relationship but I’m still mad as hell about what happened. My current boyfriend is great. He’s a better fit for me and our relationship, despite its challenges, is much healthier than my previous one. Still, it’s concerning how I can feel so much happiness with one person and still harbor so much anger toward another.
  7. Scar tissue brings a different kind of pain. Wounds heal but sometimes wounds develop scar tissue where the wound once existed. In the physical body, scar tissue creates its own set of problems and pain separate from the original injury. What if the brain works similarly? What if, after we endure an emotional trauma, our brains build some kind of mental scar tissue around that memory to help us heal. But what if my ‘scar tissue’ is bitterness? How do I get rid of it?
  8. Why is it so hard to shake some people? I still have a small place reserved in my heart for my very first love because it’s really hard to shake people you let into your life and truly, deeply love. Alternatively, it’s also hard to shake someone who has really, deeply wronged you. I’m starting to think that maybe this is exactly the lesson I’m learning.
Marie is an ambitious millennial woman, leading a corporate life by day and doing her best to live, laugh and love.