You Don’t Have “Bad Luck” In Love—Here’s What’s Really Going On

After you’ve had too many bad relationships, it’s easier to blame back luck than accept that maybe, just maybe, you might be the problem. There may be such a thing as bad luck, but that isn’t always the only issue.

  1. You focus more on the outside than the inside. Good-looking people are great! There’s nothing quite like going out with someone who’s so deliciously hot that when you walk into a restaurant, all heads turn.  The problem with focusing too much on the outside is that you never get past all that to see the inside. While this isn’t to suggest that all good-looking people are garbage fires, it is to suggest that without getting to know the inside of someone, it doesn’t give you much of a chance for something long-term.
  2. You think you can change people. Oh, silly you! How many more times are you going to go for that wounded bird and try to make it fly? Enough is enough. You can’t change people. You may be able to tweak them, but in many if not all cases, that’s not enough for someone who’s really messed up.
  3. Your self-confidence needs some work. People with low self-confidence tend to sell themselves short and settle. When you settle, you’re essentially going for people who not only don’t deserve you but aren’t your equal in more than one way. You can’t expect this type of relationship to last. While no one will ever say that garnering self-confidence is easy, it’s when you become aware of the fact that you need to work on your self-esteem that you’ll see all that bad luck start to dissipate.
  4. You haven’t learned from past relationships. I mean, come the eff on! If you don’t walk away from every relationship or every fling without some pocketed lessons then you’re doing it wrong. Even with the good relationships, there’s always something to learn and apply to your next relationships. This fact becomes two-fold when it’s been a bad relationship. Don’t let yourself get into a vicious cycle of bad luck because you’re either too lazy or apathetic to learn your damn lessons.
  5. You ignore red flags. Honestly, I have no sympathy for anyone who sees a red flag and chooses to ignore it, which also means I have zero sympathy for the person I was at 25. If you see one red flag and shrug it off, that’s one thing. If you start seeing multiple red flags and just keep moving toward them, that’s absurd. You don’t get to claim “bad luck” in love when you went running and jumping into a sea of red flags.
  6. You dismiss concerned friends and family. As much as it might be annoying to have our friends and family telling us what to do when it comes to our relationship, because they’re on the outside, they see things far clearer. This is a scientific fact. It takes a lot of guts and risk for a family member or friend to point out that your current partner is a disaster. Instead of dismissing them, at least hear them out. What they have to say actually might register a bit.
  7. You let yourself get walked all over. Life is too short to be the welcome mat of someone else’s dirty feet. When you allow people to walk all over you, you not only stop growing as a person but you actually shrink into a shadow of who you used to be. You’re no longer you; you’re a version of yourself who has been replaced by someone who lacks self-respect.
  8. You’re more about Mr. Right Now Than Mr. Right. Although it’s understandable that some people don’t want to be alone, at the end of the day you have to ask yourself: Is it better to be alone and happy or in a relationship and miserable? While some will say the latter, if you want to avoid all the bad luck in love BS, you should definitely choose the former. Mr. Right is out there, I promise, but you’ll never meet him if you’re too hung up on Mr. Right Now.
  9. You blame “bad luck” when you should blame yourself. What can we take away from all of this? The explanation for your bad luck in love is ultimately you. So if you want to avoid it going forward and actually have a chance at finding real love that’s entwined with lots of good stuff, you need to take a look at your past decisions and start making better decisions going forward.
Amanda Chatel is a sexual health, mental health, and wellness journalist with more than a decade of experience. Her work has been featured in Shape, Glamour, SELF, Harper's Bazaar, The Atlantic, Forbes, Elle, Mic, Men's Health and Bustle, where she was a lifestyle writer for seven years. In 2019, The League included Amanda in their "15 Inspirational Feminists Every Single Person Should Follow on Twitter" list.

Amanda has a bachelor's degree in English and master's degree in Creative Writing from the University of New Hampshire. She divides her time between NYC, Paris, and Barcelona.

You can follow her on Instagram @la_chatel or on Twitter @angrychatel.