You Need To Try This Strategy If You Want Your Dates To Go Somewhere

I’m just going to come right out and say it: if you’re looking for a long-term relationship, you need to be asking about all of your dealbreakers on the first date. After dating men quite a few years older than myself, I started to realize that almost all of them opened our first date with the tough questions about kids, religion, careers, and even money. It’s not that they were desperate, it’s that they wanted to know upfront whether I was worth investing time in — and it’s a strategy that works. Here’s why:

1. If He’s Scared Off, He Obviously Didn’t Want Something Serious. Frankly, if your new guy is backing away slowly when you mention that you want kids (or that you don’t), he isn’t ready to be in a long-term relationship. Honest discussion about what you each want is the foundation of a healthy relationship and if he already can’t handle a few questions about his plans then he won’t handle commitment well either. You won’t miss him.
2. You’re Not Desperate, You Just Know What You Want. Long gone are the days when women needed a guy to get what they want in life. Keep the focus on landing an ideal relationship and no one should be accusing you of desperation. Besides, this complaint is much more likely to come from your friends. Most guys think a woman who is confident enough to ask for what she wants is super hot.
3. Steering The Conversation Is Easy. If you’re worried that you can’t ask tough questions “naturally,” you actually just need to relax. You don’t need to come up with a conversation segue or an excuse to ask him about his religious beliefs. As long as you’re calm, it won’t sound forced. If you’re really nervous, just mention that you ask because the topic matters to you and you want a partner who feels strongly about the topic as well.
4. Follow-Up Questions Are Your Friend. This whole strategy is an attempt to avoid assumptions and make your wants clear. If you’re not asking follow-up questions then you’re not taking full advantage of this method. Once he says he’s working in human resources, ask him if he likes it, if he plans to do it for the foreseeable future, and if it involves moving or traveling at some point. Plus, follow-up questions keep you from talking to him like you’re running down a checklist, which feels rude. Ask the questions, but be engaged with his answers.
5. Surprises Down the Road Won’t Be Major. Imagine that you’ve been with a guy for six months when he suddenly tells you that he’s planning on moving to Europe permanently. You tell him that there’s no way you’re leaving your state, never mind the country. This situation is awful and it’s liable to break your heart. If you ask about these kinds of things right away, you’ll rarely have to deal with these sudden major revelations.
6. Asking Serious Questions Helps Weed Out Jerks. If there’s one thing that jerks can’t stand, it’s when you have a strong opinion that they don’t agree with. If he thinks you’ll change your mind about where you want to live, laughs at your career plans, or belittles your upfront attitude then he’s a penis and you don’t need to waste any more of your time!
7. You Can Learn A Lot About Someone By Asking About Their Career Plans. This simple question is way too often overlooked on first dates. You can see how serious, ambitious, dedicated, practical, or spontaneous a guy is by the way he talks about his future career plans. You shouldn’t necessarily be looking for someone who has a 30-year plan, but you should be looking for someone who has given their future a lot of thought.
8. You need to know that he has his act together financially too. Bringing up money issues on the first date can be a minefield. Keep in mind that you want don’t want to focus on how much money he makes, but instead on how he personally deals with money and expects his partner to. Ask questions like, “Are you a spender or a saver?” or “Do you impulse buy a lot?” If you feel like you’ve made him uncomfortable, be quick to explain why you’re asking: because money habits are a huge reason for breakups and divorces.
9. This Strategy Will Break Any People-Pleasing Habits You Have. When you’re on a first date, you tend to be very motivated to find areas of mutual interest, which can lead to some white lies. Once a guy told me there was a tennis court next to his home and before I knew it, I was telling him how much I’d love to play tennis with him. One problem: I hate tennis. I had to remind myself that it’s okay to disagree and it’s important to stop scrambling for common ground. With this dating strategy, you’re talking about what’s most important to you, so you’ll get a frequent friendly reminder that its okay to disagree.
10. You start to figure out what really matters to you. After a few of these dates using this method, you might start to find your questions are shifting or getting more focused. It makes sense that these kinds of conversations will push you into defining what you must have your partner. So, even if you’re trying out this strategy and you’re not making any strong connections, you’re still closer to recognizing Mr. Right when he comes along.