Parenting is complex, and mistakes happen.
However, some behaviors leave lasting impressions on children, even into adulthood. If your adult children are still holding things against you, it could be that they’re not over these things.
1. Constant criticism
Frequent criticism during childhood can lead to deep-seated insecurities in adulthood, Psychology Today notes. Your children may struggle with self-doubt and perfectionism, always feeling they’re not good enough. This persistent negativity can affect their relationships, career choices, and overall self-esteem. They might avoid taking risks or pursuing their dreams, fearing failure and disapproval. Recognizing this pattern is crucial for both parents and adult children to work towards healing and rebuilding confidence.
2. Emotional neglect
Emotional neglect isn’t always obvious, but its effects can be long-lasting. Your adult children might still feel disconnected or unable to express their emotions freely. They may struggle with forming deep connections or understanding their own feelings. This neglect can manifest as difficulty in intimate relationships, trouble empathizing with people, or a general sense of emptiness. Addressing this issue requires open communication and a willingness to validate their emotional experiences, both past and present.
3. Comparing siblings
Constantly comparing siblings can create lasting resentment and rivalry. Your adult children might still feel they’re in competition with each other, even years later. This can strain their relationships with you and with each other. They may struggle with feelings of inadequacy or superiority, depending on which side of the comparison they usually fell. Recognizing each child’s unique strengths and avoiding comparisons is key to mending these wounds.
4. Dismissing interests
Brushing off or belittling your children’s interests can have long-term effects on their passions and self-expression. As adults, they might struggle to pursue hobbies or careers they truly love, always second-guessing their choices. They may have difficulty identifying what truly makes them happy or feel guilty about investing time in their interests. Showing genuine curiosity and support for their passions, even now, can help repair this damage.
5. Inconsistent discipline
Unpredictable or inconsistent discipline can leave lasting confusion about boundaries and consequences. Your adult children might struggle with self-discipline or have difficulty understanding cause and effect in their actions. They may feel resentful about perceived unfairness or struggle to set healthy boundaries in their own relationships. Acknowledging past inconsistencies and discussing fair, consistent approaches can help address this issue.
6. Invasion of privacy
Regularly invading your children’s privacy can lead to trust issues in adulthood. Your grown children might be overly secretive or struggle with setting healthy boundaries. They may have difficulty trusting people, including romantic partners, or feel constantly on guard. Respecting their privacy now and openly discussing the importance of personal space can help rebuild trust and teach healthy boundary-setting.
7. Unrealistic expectations
Setting impossibly high standards can create a lifelong pattern of feeling inadequate. Your adult children might be perfectionists, always striving for an unattainable ideal. They may have difficulty celebrating their achievements or constantly feel like they’re falling short. Recognizing and praising their efforts, rather than just outcomes, can help shift this mindset and promote a healthier self-image.
8. Lack of affection
A childhood without much physical affection can affect adult relationships. Your grown children might struggle with intimacy or feel uncomfortable with physical touch. They may have difficulty expressing love or reading emotional cues. Discussing the importance of affection and finding comfortable ways to show love can help bridge this gap and improve emotional connections.
9. Favoritism
Showing clear preference for one child can cause lasting damage to family dynamics, according to the Institute for Family Studies. The favored child might struggle with guilt or pressure to maintain their status, while others may feel chronically undervalued. This can lead to strained sibling relationships and trust issues with parents. Acknowledging past favoritism and making efforts to value each child’s unique qualities can help heal these wounds.
10. Withholding praise
Rarely offering praise or recognition can lead to a constant need for external validation in adulthood. Your grown children might have low self-esteem or struggle to recognize their own accomplishments. They may work excessively hard for approval or have difficulty accepting compliments. Learning to give genuine, specific praise for efforts and achievements can help build their self-confidence.
11. Overprotectiveness
Being overly protective can hinder a child’s development of independence and risk assessment skills. As adults, your children might struggle with decision-making or feel anxious about new experiences. They may have difficulty trusting their own judgment or taking necessary risks in their personal and professional lives. Encouraging independence and supporting their decisions can help them build confidence in their abilities.
12. Ignoring mental health
Dismissing or stigmatizing mental health issues can have serious long-term consequences. Your adult children might struggle to seek help when needed or feel ashamed of their emotional struggles. They may have unresolved issues that affect their daily lives and relationships. Opening up conversations about mental health and showing support for seeking professional help can make a significant difference in their well-being.
13. Financial irresponsibility
Poor financial management or involving children in money worries can lead to anxiety about finances in adulthood. Your grown children might struggle with budgeting, saving, or making financial decisions. They may have an unhealthy relationship with money, either being overly frugal or prone to overspending. Discussing healthy financial habits and offering guidance (without overstepping) can help them develop a more balanced approach to money.
14. Lack of apologies
Never admitting mistakes or apologizing can teach children to avoid accountability. Your adult children might struggle with taking responsibility for their actions or have difficulty apologizing when they’re wrong. They may become defensive easily or blame other people for their mistakes. Modeling sincere apologies and acknowledging past errors can help them learn the value of accountability and forgiveness.
15. Conditional love
Making love contingent on behavior or achievement can create deep-seated insecurities. Your grown children might constantly feel they need to earn love and acceptance. They may struggle with self-worth or have difficulty believing in unconditional love in their relationships. Expressing love without conditions and reinforcing your support regardless of their choices or achievements can help heal this wound.
16. Neglecting individual needs
Treating all children the same without considering their unique needs can lead to feelings of being misunderstood. Your adult children might feel that their individual personalities and requirements were overlooked. They may struggle with asserting their needs or feel resentful about past neglect. Taking time to understand and acknowledge each child’s unique traits and needs, even now, can help them feel truly seen and valued.
