You’re Not In Love With Him — 10 Signs It’s Only Lust

We’ve all been there: we mistakenly swear we’re in love only to realize later that our feelings were nothing more than sexual. While lust and love can seem like very similar feelings, they’re definitely not the same. If you’re having a hard time deciphering the difference between the two, you’re not alone. Here are 10 signs your only real connection is in the bedroom.

  1.  You like how he looks more than you like him as a person. I get it. He has a six-pack and a jawline that makes you want to punch someone in the face. But he also has that weird thing where he’s mean to waiters and slightly inconsiderate to your needs (alright, really inconsiderate). If he lost that handsome face and bulging biceps today, would you still feel as enamored with him as you do now? Probably not.
  2. You don’t connect on an emotional level. You have a bunch in common, he makes you laugh like crazy and he’s so dang sweet! That’s great and all, but are you also connecting on a level where you both feel comfortable being vulnerable, transparent and unapologetically honest? True love doesn’t happen until you’ve reached this level of emotional intimacy.
  3. Your sex is good. Like, really good. Wait, isn’t that a sign you’re in love? Nope. Sex has a way of muddling our feelings when it comes to love. We’re evolutionarily predisposed to fall in “love” with the person we’re sleeping with thanks to a potent hormonal cocktail that’s released every time we have sex. When we’re engaging in swapping these intense and addictive bonding chemicals, it’s no wonder we so easily mistake lust for love.
  4. You “feel” like it’s love. Just a reminder — you also feel like clawing your annoying co-workers’ eyeballs out sometimes and you feel like eating an entire ice cream cake on day one of your period. Plain and simple: feelings can’t be trusted. They’re fleeting, they come and go, and they can fluctuate depending on where we are emotionally (and hormonally). Once the initial rush of infatuation wears away, those euphoric feelings won’t be there to fall back on.
  5. You’re more attracted to the idea of him than the reality. He’s perfect on paper: he fulfills your height requirement, education standards and makes buku bucks at his prestigious job. Sometimes when these main expectations are met, we want to make everything else work because it realizes some kind of fantasy in our heads. That doesn’t make it love.
  6. There’s something missing. You know what I’m talking about. He seems to have everything you want in a partner, but there’s this intangible thing that’s not there between the two of you. We women have incredible intuition and we possess the innate power to know things before we have concrete proof of them. When you love someone, there’s no holding back, no second-guessing, and no wishy-washiness. You just KNOW.
  7. True intimacy is nowhere to be found. Sure, you have regular awesome sex and he strokes your hair while you’re watching Netflix, but are you truly intimate? In this age, we now equate intimacy with sex, but that’s far from what it means. Is there an unspoken connection between the two of you where you know each other’s deepest fears, aspirations and struggles? If you don’t have a deep understanding of your guy, there’s little chance that what you’re experiencing is love.
  8. Your ‘love’ is conditional. You push and you pull, you’re sure about him one minute, and then you’re not the next. Love has a way of creating very clear borders around our feelings; lust kind of leaves you in this hazy place where you aren’t quite sure where you stand. You’re either in a constant state of love that strengthens over time or you’re in a fluctuating state of lust that leaves your feelings in limbo.
  9. You don’t enjoy his company outside of sex. Remember that whole chemical/hormone sex thing? These chemicals can cause you to be into a guy even though you have nothing else in common but hot sessions in the sack. A guy can be an Adonis in bed but a blithering idiot when socializing with your friends. If you have great sex but find yourself falling flat when it comes to other aspects of your relationship, you may want to check your statements of love regarding your prince charming.
  10. Your ‘love’ is selfish. Believe it or not, love isn’t about what your partner can do for you but what you’re willing to do for your partner. Love is unselfish, it’s far from self-serving, and it’s sacrificial. If you’re constantly attempting to milk love out of your guy and not giving him anything in return, chances are you’re only experiencing lust or infatuation, not the L-word.
Lauren is a freelance writer living in New Jersey. When she's not deeply immersed in pondering the cosmos, you'll find her hiking a mountain, reading something philosophical, or dancing in her underwear. Read more of her existential musings at