You’re Not “Too Much”—He Just Can’t Handle How Enough You Are

From my very first boyfriend at the tender age of 17 to the clueless dudes I dated throughout most of my 20s, something I heard far too often was that I was “too much.” Too much what? I don’t know because they never elaborated. Still, even back then I knew it was meant to be an insult just as much as I know now that it’s all BS. I’m not “too much” and neither are you. Here’s how enough you are.

  1. Your opinions have a place. So some schmuck says you’re “too much” every time you voice your opinion? Wow, how novel of him. Men have been telling women since the beginning of time they’re “too much” every time they share an opinion. It’s BS then and it’s still BS now. Your opinions are just enough. Hell, considering the state of the world, I’d say your opinions have plenty of room before they even get remotely close to “too much.”
  2. Your emotions are valid. Let me get this straight: crying because of feelings is “too much”? It doesn’t matter if you cry when you’re happy, cry every time you see an ASPCA commercial, cry because your boyfriend is being awesome or cry because he forgot your birthday. No one should categorize you as “too much” for having emotions and expressing them.
  3. Your needs should be met. We all have needs. It’s just a fact. What this means is that you’re absolutely not “too much” for having needs – even if those needs border on needy sometimes. Why? Because everyone is effing needy sometimes. Human beings are not a walk in the park, and anyone who thinks otherwise is either a robot or made of tin and walking around Oz with a lion, scarecrow, and some kid named Dorothy.
  4. Your fears should be heard. Whether you fear getting old, losing your job, or your partner cheating on you, none of these are “too much” because fears are never “too much.” We’re all entitled to be scared of whatever it is that, well, scares us. So if your boyfriend comes home late some night and you express the fear that he’s cheating even if he isn’t, that doesn’t make you “too much.” That makes a woman with a completely valid fear.
  5. Your expectations make sense. A relationship without expectations is a relationship that stays stagnant and never evolves. By that definition, a person who doesn’t have expectations for their partner is one half of a partnership that will inevitably fail. You’re not “too much” for  having expectations for your relationship or your partner – or yourself.  Never let anyone try to convince you otherwise.
  6. Your sexuality should be celebrated. Although I’ve yet to meet a guy who’s complained that his female partner is “too much” in the bedroom, I’m sure they exist. I’m also sure I don’t want to meet these guys. Ever. That being said, female sexuality is important, beautiful, and something that should be celebrated. It doesn’t matter if you want it every hour on the hour—if that’s just you and how you roll, then you’re enough, not “too much.” (Also, you go, girl!)
  7. Your independence is necessary. My husband always said my independence was “too much.” He couldn’t wrap his brain around the fact that my need to be free was such an inherent part of who I am that without it, he probably wouldn’t have been in love with me because I wouldn’t be me. I was enough in that regard. I’m still enough in that regard. And if you, like me, need your independence even in a relationship, you’re not “too much,” you’re enough.
  8. Your complexity should be understood. Women are definitely far more complicated than men and because of this, dudes love to say that we’re “too much” simply because they don’t want to take the time to understand what we mean and from where we’re coming. If a guy takes a moment to really listen to what you have to say, he actually might be blown away by how enough you are.
  9. Your value should be respected. We’re all valuable in our own way. We all have things to offer, bring to the table, and share. The who we are, the where we’ve been, and the what we’ve done just add to our value and none of that, no matter what our past, present, or future looks like, is “too much.”
  10. You’re just right. Nothing about you is “too much.” Nothing. OK, so maybe there was that one time you got carried away with the eyeliner and looked a little absurd but, hey, you owned it. Still, when it comes to you, as a person, whether you’re single or in a relationship, you’re not too much. Any guy who dares to tell you that you are doesn’t know what “too much” looks like. You’re spectacular.
Amanda Chatel is a sexual health, mental health, and wellness journalist with more than a decade of experience. Her work has been featured in Shape, Glamour, SELF, Harper's Bazaar, The Atlantic, Forbes, Elle, Mic, Men's Health and Bustle, where she was a lifestyle writer for seven years. In 2019, The League included Amanda in their "15 Inspirational Feminists Every Single Person Should Follow on Twitter" list.

Amanda has a bachelor's degree in English and master's degree in Creative Writing from the University of New Hampshire. She divides her time between NYC, Paris, and Barcelona.

You can follow her on Instagram @la_chatel or on Twitter @angrychatel.