You’re Not A Real Couple Until You’ve Crossed These Boundaries Of Grossness

Let’s be real — no one reveals their true selves at the beginning of a new relationship. You’re both basically just pretending to be living dolls who don’t poop for the first six months, and then slowly, burp by burp, you get comfortable with one another. Eventually, your Saturday nights are less “Netflix and chill” and more “Netflix and check out this mole on my back,” and that level of comfort is amazing — but it’s also kinda gross.

You burp and fart next to each other like it’s an Olympic sport. Once you realize that letting one rip after sharing a plate of hot wings isn’t going to get between you and Prince Charming, it becomes a sort of sick competition between the two of you. When you’ve been together long enough, the fact that you can burp the lyrics to “Baby Got Back” is something you proudly display like a badge of honor.

You groom each other’s gross bits. You fell in love with their beautiful green eyes, but that unibrow forming in the middle of their face? Not so much. Time to bust out the tweezers and flick your wrist like Picasso. Couples who’ve been together for a long time are basically just two chimps, picking and preening at each other until they’re satisfied with their work. Tweezing, squeezing, poking — nothing’s really off limits. It sounds gross to some, but most people in long-term relationships know that there are few feelings more gratifying than successfully popping the huge pimple on your partner’s back that’s been bugging you for literally an entire week. Ugh. FINALLY.

You sniff each another before going out somewhere. Whether it’s smelling the hoodie that’s been draped over a chair for three days before they wear it to a party or sticking your nose in their armpits during their lunch break, performing the ‘sniff test’ is just a normal BF/GF (or GF/GF or BF/BF) duty at this point. Sometimes you need a second opinion, and honestly, it’s pretty easy to go noseblind to your own gross bodily odors. Having someone around to let you know when it’s time to slap some hand sanitizer under those pits before you walk into the restaurant is pretty much priceless.

You use the bathroom at the same time. Usually, if you live in a big city and move in together, finding a place with two bathrooms is a blessing bestowed upon the lucky few. If you’re like the majority of young couples, you suck it up and share a bathroom. This means getting comfortable is pretty much forced on you. You’ll reach the point where simultaneously peeing, brushing your teeth, and reading the news on your phone while they lather up in the shower next to you is just second nature. I mean, sure, you could politely wait your turn, but ain’t nobody got time for that. When you’ve both seen one another’s naked bodies in more non-sexual scenarios than sexy ones, politeness kinda goes out the window.

You have deep discussions about said bathroom experiences. Your partner is supposed to be your best friend, right? So who better to celebrate the post-Taco Tuesday toilet bowl fiesta with than him? You know it’s true love when he high fives you for a poop well done. You know it’s real when you can gripe about not being able take a satisfying dump and not only does he commiserate, but he suggests couples smoothies. #fibre.

You’re their nurse when they have food poisoning. You know you’re basically the next Mother Theresa when you’ve spent the morning cleaning up their puke splatter off the bathroom wall in the wake of a nasty stomach bug. Well, either that or you’ve been together for so long that it’s nearly impossible for any of their bodily fluids to gross you out anymore. You don’t even bat an eye at picking up their sea of crushed Kleenex strewn across the bed because you know they have your back the next time it’s your face in the toilet bowl.

You kiss each other in the morning before you’ve brushed your teeth. When you first started dating, you’d sneak off to the bathroom for a gargle of mouthwash before slipping back under the covers in order to maintain the illusion that you’re basically a perfectly pure baby-breathed earth angel sent from heaven. Now, not only do you kiss with morning breath, morning sex in general is totally freeing once you get over all those normal human odors. A bit of B.O. in bed never killed anyone.

You’ve had and/or aren’t grossed out by period Sex. Look, everyone’s different. Some women absolutely do not want to be touched down there when we’re riding the crimson tide, but there are a good number of us who get so horny around that time of the month, we nearly run a red light because we were daydreaming about sitting on Tom Hardy’s face. Finding a partner who’s down to get their hands dirty both literally and figuratively can be a bit of a challenge. Right off the bat, at least. Not having sex for a week is kinda cute at first, and the anticipation of finally getting back in the sack is exciting. It keeps things interesting — for a while, anyway. Then eventually you get so sick of a dumb uterus determining when you can and can’t get it on, you end up just throwing a beach towel on the bed and going for it.
And guess what — it’s not that bad… like, at all.

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