What To Do When You’re So Over It, You’re Considering A Lifetime Of Snuggies And Cats

So you’ve wasted yet another perfectly fine Saturday night or Sunday brunch on a perfectly horrific date. In fact, you’ve gone on so many bad dates in the last year that you don’t even bother learning names until date three — but who are you kidding? No one’s made it to date three in a long time. If you’re past despair and now sitting comfortably (in oversized sweats, mind you) in the apathetic acceptance stage, here’s some advice:

  1. Make a pros and cons list for the snuggie/cat life. You joke about becoming a cat lady and slipping into your snuggie the moment you walk in the door, but would that really be so bad? Make a pros and cons list of the snuggie/cat/solo life — it might actually be kind of great. However, consider swapping your snuggie out for one of those mermaid blankets that are all over Etsy. They’re a lot cooler, especially when you’re singing along to The Little Mermaid AGAIN.
  2. Buy yourself some underwear that make you feel sexy. When was the last time you bought underwear that made you feel sexy when you were single? Feeling sexy is an important part of being a woman and you deserve to feel good about what you see in the mirror, regardless of who you’re dating or not dating. Hit up VS and PINK and get the ones you actually like for once.
  3. Find a good Chinese takeout place. You know those cold, rainy nights where all you want to do is snuggle in the warm arms of your lover? Well, a wonton or a dumpling will work just as well. Find a good Chinese takeout place nearby, add their number to your favorites in your phone, and grace your fridge with their menu. Sure, love fills you up and makes you warm all over, but so does sodium. Remember, when you’re feeling wanton, think wonton.
  4. Volunteer at an animal shelter and consider fostering. We all crave love and want to feel appreciated and needed, but you can satisfy those parts of yourself without a man. Spend some time at an animal shelter! Your oxytocin levels rise when you spend time with animals, while your stress levels and blood pressure levels decrease. In other words, animals can actually zen you out into a state of bliss. When was the last time a guy did that? (Don’t cry thinking about it. Keep reading.) Shelter animals are like the singles of the animal world. They’re feeling trapped, unloved, and like no one will ever come for them. Give those animals the love they need and they’ll give you the love you need.
  5. Evaluate your relationship patterns. When a good guy does come around, you don’t want to serve him up the same old crap you’ve served in every failed relationship. Plan to do things differently. Think about your weaknesses and push points, and identify things you’d like to be better at next time. And here’s a novel idea: Plan to be honest. We’re all going around framing things, filtering things, and putting these perfect selfies out there like our love life is Instagram. What would happen if you were transparent, spoke honestly, and asked direct questions? I’ll tell you: He would know who you are and you would know where he stands at the start.
  6. Explore. When you settle down (whether it be with a man or a clan of cats), traveling won’t be as easy. There’ll be schedules to work out and all sorts of complications (like who’s going to feed the cats). So while you’re still single, get out and travel as much as you can. Explore the world and fill your life with experiences. The stunning views and workout of a sunrise hike will rival that of a night with a GQ model. Added bonus: You won’t have to talk to anyone when you reach the peak. You can just sit there and enjoy it for once.
  7. Up your cooking game. Cooking is one of the most rewarding creative arts you can dig into, and you deserve a tasty meal, no matter who’s dining with you. Get creative. Watch some cooking shows. Look up recipes. The more you experiment, the better you’ll be at coming up with kickass meals on the fly to impress your future guy, should he come along. So set a place at the table for you and Mr. Whiskers and pour your heart into the skillet.
  8. Read more (and at bars). You might as well spend your spare time filling your head with knowledge and reading about things that interest you. But you can’t spend all your time inside if you want even the slightest chance of meeting a guy to share your new knowledge with. What’s the solution? Hit the books and the bar. One: It’s heaven to have someone serve you drinks while you read. Two: Most men will be too intimidated to use their juvenile pickup lines on a girl reading Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time.
  9. Enjoy the perks of being single. Everyone gets lonely, but there are at least 10 great things about being single AF. You probably haven’t even thought about the perks of being single because you’re so goddamn over it. Take a minute to really think about the silver lining of singlehood, and then rub it in all your married friends’ faces.
Jessica Shepard is a writer, promiscuous reader, and a maker of strangely religious, slightly blasphemous dog art. She's also in a band. In the past, they would have called her a Renaissance woman. In the present, they call her ADHD. And there's a pill for that, but she doesn't take it.