Shampoo commercials would have you believe that having long hair is easy, stress-free and the cause of many dramatic, well-lit twirls. Those commercials are dirty liars. Long hair is a lot of work. Could you just chop it all off and rid yourself of the BS? Yes. But will you? Hell no.
- Shedding. Long hair gets everywhere. It falls out by the pound every day and finds its way into every nook, corner and butt crack within fifty miles of you. Even when you’ve brushed your hair thoroughly for the day, you still find strands of it all over yourself, your house, your boyfriend and your car.
- Clogged shower drains. You can try using a drain catcher to stop your hair from slipping into the depths of your plumbing, but your hair will find a way to bypass it. It’ll build up over time and eventually clog the hell out of your shower, mocking the interminable amount of Drano that you pour on it. And the best part? You have to pull that vile, slimy, disembodied mane monster out of there.
- Static. The methods to deal with this are often ineffective. You might as well just walk around with soaking wet hair all the time. Damn you, electricity. If we didn’t depend on you to charge our fancy phones, we wouldn’t care about you at all.
- Going through a lot of hair products.Hmm… it says here to use “a quarter-sized amount.” HAHA! That’s adorable. You might be able to use that amount on your pubes efficiently, but it’s going to take a lot more to cover the glorious waterfall of hair hanging off of your head. Next to the boring essentials like food and clothing, hair products are your biggest wallet killer.
- Getting it stuck in car doors. Your hair doesn’t have enough time to secure itself safely inside your vehicle, but you don’t realize it until it’s too late. The second your butt hits the seat, you feel a terribly unpleasant yank on your scalp. Now you’re pissed off, your curls are ruined and your jerk neighbor is laughing at you.
- Phantom strands. You know that feeling when you think a strand of your hair is tickling you somewhere but you can’t seem to get rid of the thing? Maybe it’s there. Maybe you’re imagining it. You won’t be able to rid yourself of the irritation until you finally put your fingers in the right spot and pull that long, astute bastard off of yourself.
- Lengthy maintenance routines. One does not simply just “have” long hair. If you want all of that hair to look good, you have to take care of it properly. That stuff takes a long time. You can’t just pray to Fabio and Beyoncé for great hair and be done with it. Between shampooing, conditioning, weekly treatments, heat protectant sprays, haircuts and styling, it’s nothing short of a miracle that you have any time left for life at all.
- Windy days. It doesn’t matter how strong your hairspray is. Your hair is going to blow all over your face, in your eyes and around your neck when the wind is being a jerk. It’ll happen on the one day you forget to bring a hair tie too. And riding in convertibles? Not as easy as it looks in the movies. You’ll choke on your own hair within the first five minutes of getting on the highway. As you pick your hair out of your eyes and your mouth, you can only ask yourself one thing: Why have the hair gods forsaken me?
