At this point, you have it down to a science. After years of practice, you know exactly what he wants in bed — but what about the things he doesn’t want? Here are some of the most hard-on-killing things you might be doing in bed:
- Not Feeling Yourself Isn’t it frustrating when everyone tells you to just have confidence in yourself and he’ll think you’re hot, because hello? You know that. But the thing is, you don’t always feel 100 percent about your looks when you forgot to shave or ate three (okay five) slices of pizza for dinner. And then had three more after dinner. And one more at midnight because screw it. Not to be the bearer of cliché news, but the first step towards being a goddess in the sack is feeling like a goddess in your head. Who cares that you haven’t shaved? Not him.
- Forgetting To Have Fun Not feeling good about yourself is one thing, but not enjoying yourself is another. It sounds weird that a guy would actually get off to you getting off, but hey, I didn’t make up the rules — I just do my best not to break (most of) them. The best way you can get him to enjoy getting it on is by enjoying getting it on. Throw your head back. Add in a hand or vibrator. Fantasize about that one time you guys did it in the bathroom at the company holiday party. Now is the time to live selfishly.
- Not Enjoying Him Maybe you’ve been together for years and things have gotten routine, or maybe he hasn’t showered today or his beard is weird or you’re just emotional and hearing him breathe makes you want to die. Whatever it is, you’re just not feeling him right now. While some people might say this is the time to dive into your mental banks and picture John Krasinski’s face instead, I’d say avoid that like the plague. Not only will he be able to tell when you accidentally shout your celeb crush’s name instead of his, but it won’t help him do better next time either.
- Being On A Completely Different Page You wanted something soft, romantic, and worthy of a John Mayer song, and he was thinking something more along the lines of the sex online he watched when you were busy last weekend. Nothing completely douses the fire of desire quite like you bursting into tears when he spanked you (something you usually like) because you were expecting Nicholas Sparks sex. If it seems like you’re going at different rhythms, stop before the heat completely turns to ice.
- Not Telling Him What You Want Just like being on a different page can completely stop the tracks of love, so can not speaking up for what you want. The position feels weird? Your nipples are too sensitive? You hate that he keeps calling you by your last name mid-sex? By not telling him what you like, you’re not being as engaged, which makes him realize he’s doing something wrong and then, you guessed it: Bye bye, hard-on. Now’s the one time you can boss him around and he’ll totally love it. Why would you pass up an opportunity like that?
- Staying Completely Silent Nothing in bed is louder than silence. While you might think those awkward slurps, thumps, and squeaks are the mood-killers, the actual culprit is chirping crickets. You don’t need to give a play-by-play or scream his entire name with every thrust, but a little feedback goes a long way. When you’re silent, he has no idea if you like what he’s doing, which will make him not only hold back in bed but also in your relationship.
- Making Him Feel Bad While telling him what you want and nicely correcting him is important (because nothing is more frustrating than a tongue that always a littleeee too far to the left), doing it in a way that doesn’t make him want to swear off vag forever is important. You’re basically telling him that how he’s having sex with you isn’t great, so be gentle. Nothing is harder to stroke back to full size than an ego.
- Anything Involving Too Much Teeth You know when they say less is more? I’m pretty sure they were referring to using teeth with anything sexual. While everyone has different preferences and some of us enjoy a little blood-drawing, nipping, and gnawing, always make sure to check with the guy before baring your fangs. Nothing ruins the night like an accidental date with the emergency room thanks to a bite on the balls.
- Faking It You didn’t do it to be mean. Really, you didn’t. But after twenty minutes of not getting ANYWHERE, you decided that it was time to pull out the big guns. Some extra loud moaning, a few shivers, some gasping breaths and you’d be done. While faking it is a practice that has been passed down from generation to generation (just don’t ask your grandma about it), it’s not a good tactic because, guess what? He knows. Maybe not every time and maybe not right away, but eventually he’ll be able to tell the difference between a staged scene and the real thing. Avoid putting on a show and just be honest because otherwise, he might not come back with a standing ovation next time.
- Talking About The Kardashians The drama with Blac Chyna is like a train wreck we just can’t look away from. Kylie makes us both terrified and jealous for the future generation. I get it. But he doesn’t. Not when you’re watching the show, not when you’re stalking their Instagrams and not when you ask him which one is the hottest for the millionth time. You don’t need to bring this or any other celebrity or real-life drama up in the bedroom. While he needs to respect your interests and passions, a person can only take so much.
- Talking About His Mom Enough said.
