Being a woman isn’t always a life of roses. I have several WTF moments throughout the day that cause me to wonder what being on the opposite side of the gender pool would actually feel like. If only I wasn’t given a lower emotional tolerance, body hair I’m apparently not supposed to have, or a hundred other annoyances that cause me temporary moments of insanity, misery and discomfort… life would be great. It’s okay, though; in the end, I know women are a boss species. Unfortunately, that doesn’t make any of these things any less annoying, and I’m sure most women will agree.
Getting our makeup just right. Yes, some of our fellow ladies are graced with the perfect #makeupfree faces, but not all of us are comfortable that way, and so we line our eyes, comb paint through our eyelashes and dust our cheeks with something rosy. We’re constantly told, “You don’t need makeup!” but when we don’t wear it, everyone assumes we’re sick or dying. We can’t win.
Making sure our hair isn’t a complete mess. Okay, let’s start out by saying that the need to have longer tresses is just pure BS. While some women can rock a pixie cut like no other (and I envy all of you glorious goddesses who spend all of two minutes on your mane), most of us don’t. Not only do we need to have 14 different hair products just to keep ourselves from looking like something that crawled out of the shower drain, but we also need to consciously dry it, style it with hot ass tools (that occasionally burn us), and then use another three hair products just to prevent it from moving in an awkward direction once we’re done crafting.
High heels. It’s infuriatingly ironic that high heels were actually invented by a man. It’s also not helpful that they definitely do elongate the bodies we’re constantly under pressure about and make our butts look perkier and more feminine. The downside is that every day is a constant question of, “Do I want to die by noon, or be comfortable all day?” Decisions, decisions.
Picking a bag that holds all of our stuff but is still cute. Yes, they’re beautiful and yes, we spend tons of money on them sometimes, but purses are a straight up pain in our asses. It would be nice to be able to tuck our wallets, keys, lip gloss, extra tampons and every other Mary Poppins thing we need in there into our back pockets instead, but with having to wear tighter clothing garments, most of which are pocket-free, we have no choice.
Shaving all the parts. Unlike men, our shower rituals are to get stuff done. There’s no making shampoo Mohawks for us. We have serious business to attend to, such as washing our faces, shampooing, conditioning, heat shield protecting, exfoliating our bodies, cleaning our bodies and then shaving everything off from our eyebrows down. What kind of BS is this?
Being offered gender-biased help. You buy one loaf of bread, and the clerk asks if you would like help with your bag. Umm… thanks, but I think I can handle this nearly weightless block of inflated wheat.
Cat calling/creepy stares. At least once a day, every woman is either given the hungry eyes, mentally undressed, awkwardly checked out from head to toe, or blatantly hit on. And what’s with the dudes who honk as we walk while they’re driving? How are we supposed to respond? What would you like us to do, chase your car?
Being stared at while taking selfies in public. You know what? Sometimes we want to take a selfie. It doesn’t make us vain or self-absorbed. It’s well-deserved after the aforementioned getting ready process we complete on the daily. After the makeup, the hair styling, the shower ritual and the sheer bravery of embarking into the world in five inch high ankle torture devices, we earned it. When you stare at us in disgust or as if we’re completely foreign, it’s annoying. Can you not?
Walking upstairs in a skirt. We have two choices in this scenario: hold said skirt to our own butts with our hands and appear as if we’re fondling ourselves, or give everyone in the stairwell a free show – and not the gracefully accidental Marilyn kind.
Assuming we don’t know sports. Some girls are guys’ gals, grew up as one of the boys, or just genuinely love the game. Stop assuming we’re just foo-foo pink manicured plastics who have no depth of character. Sometimes, we know our stuff, too.
Assumptions of being on our periods. Believe it or not, women actually get normally cranky from time to time, just like a man who hasn’t gotten his sandwich yet. When people assume we’re rightfully wearing our grumpy pants because we “must be on our periods” it’s annoying. Go away.
Our actual periods. Where do I start? One time, a guy told me that the he would take having a period over this one time he had food poisoning, and I just about lost my mind. You know what’s fun about having a period? ZERO THINGS. There’s nothing fun about eating like you’ve been castaway for half a decade, getting acne, crying at everything and anything, cramping as if you’re growing a baby T-Rex in your uterus and then topping the whole thing off with a mad rush of blood for five to seven days. And the most insane part is you live through it. Every. Damn. Time. Once a month, from like, age 11 until 50. Give me your food poisoning, bro. I’ll happily trade.
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