Settling is a dating no-no. It basically means that you know you can do better and be happier with someone else but you’re “making do” with what you have. While settling gets a bad rap for good reason, there’s something that can be confused with it even though they’re completely different: realizing what you truly want. Here are some essential differences between them.
- You’re going for what you want if: you changed your type. Everyone has a dating type, but that doesn’t mean we have to stick to that forever. If the type we’re so used to choosing to date is faulty and bringing us toxic love, we should change it ASAP.
- You’re settling if: you’re choosing what you think you should want. You receive messages all the time telling you what you should be doing and who you should be dating. Ugh. Jumping on that highway will lead you to settling because it means you’re tuning out the inner voice that tells you what you really want.
- You’re going for what you want if: you’ve changed your mind. Hey, you’re allowed to change your opinion on what’s really important in a partner. Just because your friends say, “Really? You want him? Since when do you like bikers?” it doesn’t mean that you’re settling. You have a mind and can change it because you’re the captain of your ship.
- You’re settling if: you ignore those impulses. The difference when it comes to settling is that you will ignore all the red flags that you’re dating the wrong person. You’ll stick with them no matter what, even though they’re bad for you. Hey, it’s easier than being single, right? (Wrong.)
- You’re going for what you want if: your ideas have changed as you’ve aged. Just because you’re choosing different guys in your 30s compared to the types of guys you were dating in your 20s, it doesn’t mean that you’re settling because you’re getting older and fear you won’t meet someone you really want. You’ve realized you want someone who has the qualities you never valued before but value now. You’ve grown up!
- You’re settling if: you’re worried you’re getting older. If you choose to date different types of people like the good guy instead of the bad boy because you think that he’s the last chance you have of finding someone, stop right now and ask yourself if it’s worth it to make dating choices based on time running out. It’s not, and by the way, the issue isn’t that time’s running out—it’s that you’re screwing yourself over if you’re making choices out of fear instead of love.
- You’re going for what you want if: you’re happy. From the outside, people might think that when you said you were changing your type it meant you were dating down but that’s ridiculous. If you’re truly, blissfully happy with your new choices, then that’s what counts.
- You’re settling if: you know you’re miserable. You might seem happy to the outside world, but deep inside you’re feeling bad about your relationship. Come on, you know what’s going on here.
- You’re going for what you want if: you’ve realized what brings you value. Maybe it wasn’t the hot guy who was going to earn your love but the geeky guy who charmed you in a genuine way and makes you happy every day because he’s kind. That doesn’t mean you’re settling. It means you know what makes you happy and you’re not going to get swayed by what you think will make you feel good but which you know will have the opposite effect. Knowledge is power.
- You’re settling if: your life is no better with them in it. If you’re with someone who doesn’t bring you value and that isn’t a dating standard you follow when choosing suitable partners, then you’re settling.
- You’re going for what you want if: you would choose them again. You know how you know you’re not settling? If you ask yourself the questions, “Would I choose this person if I met him again? Would I go back to the beginning and date her again?” If you say “yes” to those questions, then you know you’re in love.
- You’re settling if: you’d choose someone else. Maybe you daydream about other people you could be dating instead of your partner, or you wonder if you made the right choice – and it gives you sleepless nights. Those are red flags that you’re with the wrong person and know you can find someone else who ticks all your boxes.
