Texting has made it a million times easier for toxic dudes to get laid whenever they want. All they have to do is send out a few copy-and-pasted one-liners and they’ll find what they’re looking for. Unfortunately for them, they aren’t really known for their creativity and some of their desperate-to-hook-up texts are getting pretty repetitive. If you’ve ever gotten one of these texts, you know exactly what he has on his mind.
The first step in organizing a successful hookup is confirming that the object of your affection is actually awake and responding to texts. Simple and to the point, “u up?” is a mere five taps of the keyboard—perfect for the lazy bro whose blood has traveled below the belt, leaving his brain devoid of more interesting (and more subtle) ways to start a conversation.
“What are you wearing?”
Chances are, you’re wearing a pair of pajama pants with bunnies or shooting stars on them and an old t-shirt you got for free at a work conference. Guys know this but they’re really just testing the waters to feel out whether you’d be game for an impromptu hookup—or at the very least if you’re willing to indulge their imagination for a little dirty talk.
“How have you been?”
This might seem completely innocent at first, but the intentions behind it totally depend on context. Has it been over three months since you’ve heard a peep from him? Did he fade way without an explanation? Did he straight up ghost you? He’s feeling desperate to get laid and is just smart enough to lead with something non-sexual. If you seem happy to hear from him, he’ll move on to what he really has in mind.
There’s really no reason to ask someone you’re texting for a random picture unless it’s of the amazing cheeseburger you were just bragging about or a sending a sneaky pic you took of a celebrity who was at the same concert as you. If he’s asking when he knows you’re at home re-watching Gilmore Girls, it’s because he’s trying to get something else started. If you’re uninterested, it’s pretty much the perfect time to troll him by sending a close up shot of your elbow.
“I really want to cuddle right now.”
This might be believable if you’re actually dating and have spent nights together that didn’t involve sex, but if he’s just a hookup, there’s no way he wants to come all the way over to your place just to cuddle. Naked cuddling, maybe—but only if it turns into something a little more X-rated.
“Meet me at the bar later.”
Notice it’s not an invitation to come out with him, meet his friends, or anything resembling a date whatsoever. Instead, he’s telling you to do something else for the majority of the night and come find him around last call. That way he doesn’t have to worry about picking up another girl but he still has a solid after-bar plan. This could sound like a great idea or not so much, depending on what you’re looking for.
“What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done?”
He doesn’t mean that time you ate a special brownie at a party or tried surfing during your vacation in Hawaii. He means the craziest thing you’ve done in bed. Or in a parked car. Or under the bleachers. Or in the bathroom at your cousin’s wedding. You get the idea.
“Can I come over?”
Not every guy can be bothered with the small talk and pretending he doesn’t want what you both know he wants. If he wants to come over right this minute, it’s because he can’t stop thinking about what he wants to do to you. At least he’s coming to you instead of expecting you to come to him.
“I had a dream about you.”
How much do you want to bet it wasn’t a dream about going to the zoo and grabbing sushi together? If he’s starting a conversation this way, it’s because he thinks it’s a clever way to get the message across that he really wants to have sex with you. Whether he actually had the dream or not is debatable.
“Want to come over for a drink?”
If he’s skipping the going out, getting a table, ordering drinks, and paying the bill thing—you know, an actual date—then he’s in a hurry to get you out of your clothes and into his bed. A drink will loosen you both up and he knows if you agree to come over, you’re probably down to at least fool around.
“What are you up to?”
Is he asking what you’re doing at 10pm on a Friday night? Sounds like he might have had plans that fell through and he’s texting you as a last ditch effort to get laid that night. Or maybe he’s genuinely curious and has no intention of sending an Uber to pick you up the minute you say you’ll come over.
“Remember that time we [insert sexual exploit here].”
He’s either trying to remind you of a time you enjoyed having sex with him in the past to get you in the mood or implying that since you did it before, it’s no big deal to do it again. He’s in the mood and playfully trying to get you on the same page.
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