Passive-aggressive people show their hostile feelings in subtle and indirect ways, rather than just speaking up about what’s bothering them. In a partner, this behavior can be frustrating, as it’s difficult to resolve issues that a person won’t admit to. Here are a few passive-aggressive examples to watch out for that indicate that your partner may secretly resent you.
- Refusing to discuss problems Passive-aggressive people don’t want to have open conversations about how they’re feeling. For whatever reason, they feel like they can’t express the anger they are concealing inside, so they find other ways to vent it. If you try to talk to a passive-aggressive person about why they’re angry, they’re likely to shut you down or claim that they’re fine.
- Sarcasm Sarcasm is a common trait of a passive-aggressive person. While most people can recognize sarcasm pretty easily, it can also be delivered in a way that makes it seem genuine. Passive-aggressive people act in ways that allow them to express their negative feelings without saying so, so it’s no wonder this is a common passive-aggressive example.
- Sulking Because they can’t talk openly and honestly about their problems, passive-aggressive people are likely to sulk. Rather than saying that they feel angry, they’ll say they’re fine and then slam a door. Or exclude themselves from the rest of the group. Or generally have an unhappy demeanor.
- Relinquishing responsibility for important decisions One of the most common passive-aggressive examples is declining to take responsibility for important decisions. A passive-aggressive person generally won’t be inclined to take on more responsibility than they have to and will leave it to others to make big decisions.
- Back-handed compliments Back-handed compliments are another common sign of a passive-aggressive partner. Again, these veiled insults allow them to get some of their hostile feelings off their chest without actually being outwardly aggressive or starting conflicting.
- Gaslighting Gaslighting goes hand-in-hand with other passive-aggressive behaviors. If you catch on that your passive-aggressive partner is sulking, being sarcastic, or giving you back-handed compliments, they might suddenly smile and tell you that you’re imagining it. In other words, they’ll make you feel like you’re overreacting or seeing something that’s not there, when really, they have displayed this hostile behavior. Remember, passive-aggressive partners aren’t likely to admit to their feelings or want to discuss them, even if you call them out.
- Spiteful behavior Passive-aggressive behavior can generally be described as spiteful. Often, passive-aggressive people feel some kind of resentment towards another person, even due to a real or perceived thing that the other person has done. So they act in ways that allow them to subtly get back at that person without directly confronting them. For example, if your passive-aggressive partner is offended that you missed their birthday party, even if it’s because you were sick, they might plan to have another commitment on the day of your birthday party to “get you back.” In this way, passive-aggressive people can also be manipulative and calculating.
- Ghosting Ghosting is one of the major examples of passive-aggressive behavior because it allows a person to end a relationship without actually having to confront the other person. If you’ve noticed that your partner has ghosted friends, or you know they ghosted their exes, it could be a sign that they’re passive-aggressive.
- Patronizing comments In addition to backhanded compliments, patronizing comments are also common amongst passive-aggressive people. These are comments that are designed to belittle you and make you feel inferior or less than you are. Even terms of endearment, like dear or darling, can be forms of patronization when not used in a genuine way.
- Lateness Being late is an example of passive-aggressive behavior. Your partner might be trying to subtly show that they don’t respect your time or wishes by arriving places late, allowing you to sit around waiting for them. Passive-aggressive people tend to like being intentionally late because they’re not likely to be called out. Lateness can easily be brushed off with excuses like getting held up at work or running into some other emergency.
- Silence or withdrawing The silent treatment is one of the most universal passive-aggressive examples. A passive-aggressive person might ignore you, or withdraw and only give you one-word answers, as a means of punishing you for something you’ve done. Keep in mind that repeated silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse (via A Concious Rethink).
- Weaponized kindness Weaponized kindness is another sign of a passive-aggressive partner. This behavior can take several forms, including smiling and appearing warm while delivering insults and criticism (via Leesa Renea). In this way, weaponized kindness can lead a victim to feel like they’re overreacting if they feel upset in response to insults and criticism. Other examples of weaponized kindness include demanding something in return for being nice, or being extra nice to show someone else up.
- Knowing incompetence Sometimes, passive-aggressive partners are knowingly incompetent. In order to be petty, they pretend to not know how to do a certain task, or not to be good at a certain task, just to avoid helping their partner. For example, they might purposefully burn your dinner if they’re cooking for you, or pretend to not know how to change their spare tire, instead making you come and do it for them.
