It’s easy for someone to talk the talk when it comes to kindness, but actions speak louder than words. If you’ve got that gut feeling someone’s not as kind as they claim, trust it. Here are 15 dead giveaways that their “kindness” is all for show.
1. They’re Only Kind When It Benefits Them
If someone’s only nice when there’s something in it for them, that’s a red flag. Genuine kindness isn’t transactional—it’s about doing good without expecting anything back. So, if they’re always looking for a pat on the back or some sort of payoff, they’re probably not as generous as they seem.
Tip: Pay attention to whether their “good deeds” are consistent or only pop up when they want something.
2. They Cover Insults With “Jokes”
Ever have someone say something that stings, only to follow it up with, “Just kidding!”? That’s them trying to pass off rudeness as humor. True kindness doesn’t need to be cutting or come with backhanded compliments.
Tip: If you’re always left feeling small after their jokes, it’s time to call it out or reevaluate the friendship.
3. They’re a Saint in Public, a Nightmare in Private
Ever notice someone who’s all smiles and sweetness in front of others but switches up when it’s just the two of you? Kindness isn’t an act you turn on and off based on the audience. If they treat you worse in private, it says a lot about their true intentions.
Tip: Watch how they act when no one’s watching—that’s who they really are.
4. They’re Always the Victim
Some people love to flip the script when they get called out, acting like they’re the ones who’ve been wronged. If every situation somehow becomes about how they’ve been hurt or misunderstood, their kindness is likely more about manipulation than compassion.
Tip: Real kindness involves accountability. If they can’t own up to their mistakes, it’s time to question their authenticity.
5. They Gossip Like It’s a Sport
Here’s the thing: kind people don’t tear others down, especially behind their backs. If they’re constantly gossiping or bad-mouthing others when they’re not around, it’s a sure sign they’re not as compassionate as they want you to believe.
Tip: If they gossip to you, they’ll gossip about you. Keep that in mind.
6. They Expect a Trophy for Basic Decency
Some people act like they deserve a medal for holding the door open. If someone’s constantly seeking validation for doing the bare minimum, it’s less about being kind and more about feeding their ego.
Tip: Real kindness doesn’t need applause. If they’re fishing for compliments, it’s probably performative.
7. They’re Sweet Until Things Don’t Go Their Way
Watch how someone reacts when things don’t go according to plan. If their kindness disappears the second they face inconvenience, it’s a sign it was all an act. Kindness should remain steady, not just show up when everything’s easy.
Tip: Pay attention to how they handle frustration. If they snap, their kindness might be a front.
8. They’re Passive-Aggressive, All the Time
Passive-aggressive behavior is kindness wrapped in a layer of resentment. If they constantly make sarcastic comments or dish out backhanded compliments, that’s not kindness—that’s low-key hostility.
Tip: Don’t let their snide remarks slide. Call them out on it and see how they react.
9. They Make You Feel Guilty for Not Returning Favors
If someone makes you feel bad for not reciprocating their “kind” gestures, it’s a sign they’re using kindness as a tool for control. Genuine kindness doesn’t come with guilt trips or manipulation.
Tip: Set boundaries. If they’re truly kind, they’ll understand. If not, they’ll try to make you feel bad for standing your ground.
10. They Deflect Blame Like a Pro
Kind people own their actions, but if someone’s constantly shifting blame onto others or making excuses, they’re probably hiding behind a “nice” facade. It’s easy to be kind when you never admit to being wrong.
Tip: Real kindness involves taking responsibility. Don’t let them dodge accountability.
11. They’re Rude to Waitstaff or Service Workers
How someone treats people they have no “use” for is incredibly telling. If they’re kind to you but rude to waiters, cashiers, or delivery people, their kindness is shallow and selective.
Tip: Watch their behavior with people in service roles. It’ll show you what they’re really like.
12. They Can’t Handle Criticism
No one loves being criticized, but kind people can take it with grace. If someone flips out or gets overly defensive when you give them feedback, it’s because their image of kindness is more about how they’re seen, not how they actually act.
Tip: Try offering constructive feedback and see how they respond. If they lash out, it’s a clear sign their kindness is fragile.
13. They Take Advantage of Vulnerable People
Real kindness is about protecting and supporting others, not exploiting them. If someone consistently targets or manipulates people who are less likely to stand up for themselves, they’re not the good person they pretend to be.
Tip: Look at how they treat those who are more vulnerable. Kind people lift others up, not take advantage.
14. They’re Generous… But Only When People Are Watching
Performative generosity is a dead giveaway. If they only give or help out when there’s an audience, they’re more concerned with looking good than doing good. True kindness doesn’t need an audience—it happens when no one’s looking.
Tip: Pay attention to how they act when the spotlight isn’t on them.
15. They Always Have a Hidden Agenda
If you get the sense that their nice gestures are part of a bigger plan to manipulate you or gain an advantage, it’s time to question their motives. Real kindness is genuine and doesn’t come with a hidden agenda.
Tip: Trust your gut. If something feels off or transactional, it probably is.
