We share our condolences with those who are experiencing great sorrow. Often, they are in the thick fog of grieving a loved one who has died. This is a delicate time in their lives, so it’s crucial how we choose the words we share. It can feel uncomfortable when we aren’t sure what to say, but this is no excuse to be flippant, self-absorbed, or lax with our sympathies. Here are 15 meaningful, action-oriented phrases you can use to express condolences.
1. “You’re allowed to grieve.”
Grieve requires space to experience and process, Psychology Today points out. In American culture, grief is typically dodged—or hidden, at least. Most of us willingly admit that we reserve crying for the shower. It’s powerful and heartfelt to voice the truth that your loved one is allowed to grieve. This gives them space to be human.
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2. “Mourn as long as you need to.”
Mourning the loss of someone is a bumpy, uncontrollable road. Let your people know they can take their time as they navigate grief. There’s no one-size-fits-all method for rediscovering who you are after losing someone special.
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3. “It’s okay to have bad days.”
Just a whiff of peppermint or tobacco floods my mind with memories of my grandfather. Subtle sensory details can spark emotions we’ve bottled up and cause a tumultuous meltdown in a restaurant, at our desk, or anywhere else we’d rather remain composed. Let those who are grieving know that it’s okay to have bad days. Meltdowns are more than acceptable while you’re hurting.
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4. “Don’t feel guilty for having good days.”
Grief is a roller coaster. Some days are miserable, but some days are better. Yet, it’s easy to feel guilty for smiling or laughing again. We feel that our grief for our loved one should be so real and heavy that we aren’t allowed to have good days just yet. But good days foster hope and healing. Don’t forget to let your grieving friends know this.
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5. “I’ll carry the burden with you.”
Grief can become dangerous for our mental health when we isolate ourselves. But we often do this because we don’t want others to feel sorry for us. Stop this unhealthy coping mechanism in your grieving friend’s life by declaring that you are with them. You see their hurt, and you are carrying the burden with them.
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6. “I’m bringing you food next week. What would you like?”
“Please let me know if you need anything!” is rarely met with an honest answer. Most of us don’t like to ask for help, especially when we are in a vulnerable space. Instead of tossing out a casual “Let me know if you need anything,” be more forward. Say, “I’m bringing you food next week. What would you like?” This gives no room for them to dodge your help.
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7. “I’ll watch the kids. Get out of the house for a bit.”
After my son was born, I experienced a heavy bout of postpartum depression. One of the best natural medicines was getting out of the house. It does our hearts good to see the sun, feel the breeze, and interact with other people. Gift this simple joy to your loved one who’s having a hard time. Watch their kids. Watch their pets. Do what you gotta do to give them time to get out of the house.
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8. “Can I help you write, address, and mail ‘thank you’ cards?”
Whether your friend just buried a relative or got home from the hospital, odds are that lots of people helped them out. This makes them feel obligated to write thank you letters. Be the friend who sits down with them and helps them write notes, sign cards, and drop them in the mail. Time Magazine adds that giving little and often is a great way to ensure they feel supported throughout this experience.
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9. “When you have a moment, listen to this song.”
Have you heard a song that makes you think of your grieving friend? Are the lyrics uplifting and moving? Then share it with them. Let them feel seen by hearing songs that inspire you.
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10. “Can I help you box up anything?”
Help your friend box up their loved one’s old clothes. Step into that part of the grieving process with cardboard boxes, tape, and your warm presence. Let them know you’re willing to sit with them in the hardest, most uncomfortable parts of grieving.
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11. “If you have any questions about ______, please call me.”
If you’ve lost a parent, you probably understand the hassle of life insurance. If you’ve lost a former classmate, you probably know the quickest way to get in touch with your graduating class. This practical experience (or empathy) allows you to help your loved one navigate the more clerical aspects of grief.
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12. “You love so well.”
When someone is faced with the death of a loved one or any broken relationship, it’s easy to count all the times they said or did the wrong thing. Guilt and shame tend to rear their ugly heads when grief is present, so it’s important to remind your grieving friend that their love was seen, felt, and known—and still is.
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13. “How can I honor their memory?”
Perhaps you can honor their deceased mother by baking her famous banana pudding. Maybe you can wear their brother’s favorite football jersey at the next home game. Ask how you can honor their loved one’s memory. Let them know that in some small way, the person they’re grieving is still living through you.
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14. “Just thinking about you–I know today was their birthday.”
Don’t forget the birthdays, anniversaries, and even death anniversaries. Mark them down in your calendar. Set reminder alarms if you have to. Reach out to those who are grieving on these important days so they know their grief isn’t forgotten.
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15. Say nothing and sit with them instead.
Actions do indeed speak louder than words. Sometimes this means you shouldn’t say anything and just sit with those who are grieving instead. Your presence speaks volumes.
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