Signs Your Adult Kids Think You Were A Harsh Mom

Signs Your Adult Kids Think You Were A Harsh Mom

Being a mom is one of the toughest gigs out there, and let’s face it, there’s no manual to guide you through all the tricky parts. While you’re trying your best to navigate parenthood, your kids might have a different perspective. Despite your best intentions, there are moments when you might seem like a challenging presence in their lives. Here are 15 reasons your adult kids have come to the conclusion you were a “difficult” mother.

1. You Had A Cold And Strict Parenting Style


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When it came to homework, you were like a relentless taskmaster. You believed in the importance of education and made it your mission to ensure they completed their assignments. They saw you as an obstacle to their playtime aspirations and a constant reminder that fun had a price. Your insistence on getting it done before anything else seemed harsh at the time. Little did they know, you were instilling discipline and a strong work ethic.

According to the Thomas B. Fordham Institute, homework is a powerful tool that helps children from all backgrounds continue learning outside of school. Fast forward a few years, and they might realize that your persistence paid off. They might even appreciate the structure you provided as they navigate college or their careers. Your determination to enforce homework wasn’t about making their lives difficult; it was about showing them that hard work pays off in the end. So, let’s chalk this one up to a tough love win.

2. You Acted Like A Drill Sergeant When It Came To Chores

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You were like a drill sergeant when it came to tidiness and order. Insisting that they clean their rooms wasn’t just about appearances; it was about teaching responsibility and discipline. To them, it felt like you were ruining their carefully curated chaos, one order at a time. Your demands for cleanliness were met with resistance and frustration. Little did they know, you were instilling life skills that would serve them long after they left home. As noted by Psychology Today, teaching kids to tidy up for a few minutes each day can create lifelong skills, reduce stress, and build on itself so it gets easier to do.

Eventually, they might see the method behind your madness. They’ll appreciate the sense of pride and accomplishment that comes with a tidy space, even if it took years to realize. Your insistence on cleanliness wasn’t about being difficult; it was about showing them that taking care of their environment reflects self-respect. Who knew they’d carry your teachings into their own homes one day?

3. You Made Them Feel Like They Had To Compete For Your Love And Affection

Angry little kids fighting over a remote control while watching TV on sofa at home.

Sibling rivalry is normal, but if your children felt like they had to earn your love or fight for your attention, it could have left deep emotional scars. Favoritism, intentional or not, often breeds resentment and feelings of inadequacy. Your kids might have felt like they were constantly trying to measure up to an impossible standard, whether it was academic achievements, sports accolades, or simply being the “good” child.

Feeling like your love was conditional could have made them question their self-worth. Reflecting on whether you inadvertently compared your children or showed favoritism might help you understand why they feel this way. Showing love and support equally, even now, can go a long way toward healing any lingering wounds.

4. You Dictated Who They Date And Be Friends With

Your stance on dating was a source of contention, especially during their teenage years. You set age limits or guidelines, convinced it was for their own protection. To them, it felt like you were keeping them from experiencing a crucial part of growing up. They might have thought you were being overly protective or out of touch with modern dating norms. According to WebMD, the American Academy of Pediatrics notes that kids start dating at an average age of 12 and a half for girls and 13 and a half for boys.

Eventually, they might see your perspective and appreciate your caution. They’ll understand that your intentions were to keep them safe and ensure they were emotionally ready. Your stance on dating wasn’t about being difficult; it was about guiding them through complex relationships. One day, they’ll see that your rules were a form of love and care.

5. You Dismissed Their Boundaries As “Ridiculous” And Invaded Their Privacy

You had your ways of keeping tabs on their activities, whether it was monitoring their internet use or checking in on their plans. Your vigilance felt like an invasion of privacy, sparking frustration and rebellion. To them, it seemed like you didn’t trust them, leading to constant clashes. But in reality, you were just trying to protect them from the potential pitfalls of growing up in a digital age. The American Psychological Association highlights that unsupervised social media use is more likely to expose children to potentially harmful content and features.

As they gain more independence, they might start to see your actions in a different light. They’ll realize that your vigilance was about keeping them safe and guiding them through a world with real dangers. Your defenses of limited privacy weren’t about being difficult; they were about ensuring their well-being. One day, they’ll look back and understand the love behind every check-in.

6. Your Moods Were Unpredictable, And Everything Was About You

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Growing up in a household where emotions fluctuated wildly can leave children walking on eggshells. If your kids never knew whether they’d get a warm hug or a cold shoulder, it could have made their home life feel unstable. Unpredictable moods can make kids feel like they’re the problem, even when they’re not.

If your emotions often dominated the household dynamic, your kids might have felt sidelined, as though their needs and feelings were secondary to yours. It’s worth asking yourself if you leaned on them emotionally in ways that might have overwhelmed them. Recognizing this dynamic can help you take accountability and build a healthier relationship moving forward.

7. You Criticized Everything, Including Their Fashion Choices

While constructive feedback can help children grow, constant criticism often does more harm than good. If your kids felt like nothing they did was ever good enough—whether it was their schoolwork, hobbies, or even their personal style—it might have chipped away at their self-esteem.

Think back to whether your words were more encouraging or critical. Did you focus on their strengths, or were you quick to point out flaws? While it’s never too late to start being more supportive, acknowledging past criticisms and their potential impact can help rebuild trust and confidence in your relationship.

8. You Never Took Into Account What They Liked To Eat

It might seem trivial, but food preferences can be a big deal for kids. If you consistently disregarded their likes and dislikes, it could have made them feel unheard or unimportant. Meals are a daily ritual, and feeling excluded from such a basic aspect of life can leave a lasting impression.

Reflecting on whether you were accommodating or dismissive of their preferences might shed light on how your kids perceived your attention to their needs. Even small gestures, like considering their favorite meals now, can show that you value their opinions and care about their happiness.

9. You Smothered Them And Stifled Their Independence

There’s a fine line between being protective and being overbearing. If your kids felt like you were constantly hovering, micromanaging their lives, or making decisions for them, they might have struggled to develop independence. This can lead to resentment, especially as they grow older and try to assert their autonomy.

Ask yourself if you gave your kids enough space to explore, make mistakes, and figure things out on their own. Recognizing when you may have crossed the line into smothering territory can help you take a step back and give your adult kids the freedom they need to thrive.

10. You Made Them Feel Like They Were A Burden

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Your mission to limit sugary treats was a constant battle in your household. You were the vigilant guardian, ensuring their diets weren’t overloaded with sweets and desserts. To them, it felt like you were depriving them of life’s greatest pleasures, one cookie at a time. Your efforts to promote balanced eating were met with cries of injustice. But you knew that everything in moderation was a mantra worth fighting for.

As they grow older, they might start to appreciate your no-sweets stance. They’ll realize that your vigilance helped them develop a healthier relationship with food. Your limits on treats weren’t about being difficult; they were about teaching them that indulgence should be balanced with nutrition. It’s a lesson that may take time to sink in, but one day, they’ll thank you for setting those boundaries.

11. You Spoke For Them And Told Them What They Could And Couldn’t Say

If your kids felt like they were an inconvenience rather than a joy, it could have deeply affected their sense of self-worth. Whether it was through comments about how much work they were or actions that suggested they were in the way, this kind of messaging can leave lasting emotional scars.

Reflect on whether your words or actions ever conveyed this sentiment, even unintentionally. If so, apologizing and reaffirming how much they mean to you can help mend those wounds. Children need to feel valued, not like an obligation.

12. You Refused To Get Them A Pet No Matter How Hard They Begged

woman having a nap with her dog

The dream of owning a pet was a frequent topic in your household, but your “no pets” policy was unwavering. To them, it felt like you were denying them the joy of a furry friend. Your reasons were practical—perhaps allergies or the reality of caring for a pet—but they saw it as an unnecessary hurdle. They imagined a life filled with wagging tails and purring companions and couldn’t understand your reluctance.

As they grow older, they might understand the responsibilities that come with pet ownership. They’ll appreciate your decision, realizing it was about being realistic with your family’s lifestyle and capabilities. Your policy wasn’t about being difficult; it was about ensuring that any pet brought into the home would be properly cared for. And who knows, they might thank you when they eventually get a pet of their own and understand what it truly involves.

13. You Made Them Figure Everything Out Themselves With Zero Support

You had your own approach to helping with homework, one that didn’t involve doing it for them. You believed in guiding them to find answers rather than providing solutions. To them, it felt like you were being stingy with your knowledge, letting them struggle when you could have given them the easy way out. They might have thought you were being difficult when all you wanted was to foster their independence.

Over time, they’ll appreciate the problem-solving skills you helped them develop. They’ll understand that your refusal to give them all the answers was about helping them learn and grow. Your approach to homework wasn’t about making life tough; it was about preparing them for challenges where there won’t always be someone to spoon-feed solutions. In the end, they’ll be thankful for the resilience you instilled.

14. You Said Things Like “Because I Said So” Without Further Explanation

exasperated parent with upset child

Sometimes, your reasoning boiled down to those four words: “because I said so.” While it might have seemed arbitrary to them, you often had solid reasons behind your decisions. To them, it felt like you were laying down the law without explanation, which they saw as unfair. But those moments were more about establishing boundaries and teaching them to respect authority.

As they mature, they might see the value in those parental proclamations. They’ll realize that your authority wasn’t about being unreasonable; it was about maintaining order and ensuring their safety. Your “because I said so” moments were a necessary part of teaching them to trust your judgment. It’s a lesson that might take time to appreciate, but one day, they’ll get it.

13. You Embarrassed Them In Front Of People

It’s one thing to tease your kids lovingly; it’s another to call them out in front of friends or family in a way that feels belittling. If you made jokes at their expense or shared private details about them without considering their feelings, it could have left them feeling exposed or humiliated.

Celebrating your children’s strengths and achievements instead of pointing out their flaws is a key part of building their confidence. If you recognize that you often embarrassed them instead of lifting them up, consider how you might change this pattern moving forward. Apologizing for past missteps can help rebuild trust and show that you value their feelings.

Suzy Taylor is an experienced journalist with four years of expertise across prominent Australian newsrooms, including Nine, SBS, and CN News. Her career spans both news and lifestyle outlets, as well as media policy - most recently, she worked for a not-for-profit organization dedicated to promoting media diversity. Currently, Suzy writes and edits content for Bolde Media, with a focus on their widely-read site, StarCandy.