Narcissists are always looking for an opportunity to assert their dominance. One way they do that is by trying to provoke you. They thrive on drama, so when you react with an emotional response, it makes them feel validated, boosting their ego. Yup, it’s twisted! But you don’t have to fall into their trap. Here are 15 ways in which they’ll try to provoke you and how to deal so you come out on top.
1. They “bait” you.
Baiting is a strategy in which a narcissist tries to insult or criticize you to make you angry. When you react in anger, they’ll turn the tables on you, saying that you’re being unfair or unreasonable by becoming frustrated. They love stirring up conflict to dominate the situation and control your emotions. The best way to deal with this is by walking away. By not engaging with them, you don’t give them the satisfaction of seeing your emotional response.
2. They gaslight you.
Gaslighting is when a narcissist tries to distort your reality by denying the truth or lying to you. For example, if you confront them about how they told you they were with their friends but they were actually alone, they might say, “I never lied. You’re imagining things.” By doing this, they make you feel unsure of what’s real and what isn’t. You might doubt your recollection of events or memories, which is what they want. One of the best ways to deal with gaslighting is to keep a record of what happens and what they say so you have proof. This will allow you to present the facts to them when they try to mess with your head, derailing their attempts to confuse you.
3. They guilt you.
To get you to do what they want, narcissists love making you feel guilty. If you want to go out with a friend instead of staying home with them, they’ll find ways to elicit your sympathy so that you change your plans. For example, they’ll say, “I wanted to spend time with you but I guess you’d rather go out with someone else” or “I guess I’ll be alone again because you don’t care about us.” This “poor me” act is done so you’ll react empathetically and run to be with them instead of doing what you need to do. Instead of doing that, assert your needs and stick to them. Boundaries are the best way to keep narcissists at bay so they can’t manipulate you.
4. They withhold affection.
If you’ve done something to hurt the narcissist, they might try to punish you by withholding physical affection. So, they might avoid being intimate with you or cuddling up to watch a movie. They’re hoping that you’ll miss having intimacy with them, which will make you change your behavior to appease them. It’s so sick. Instead of vying for their attention, extract yourself from the situation. Not getting your attention will make them frustrated and feel like they’re losing control.
5. They give you backhanded compliments.
A common way in which a narcissist will provoke you is by dishing out backhanded compliments, such as, “Your hairstyle looks nice, it’s so much better than what you had before” or “You have a nice smile, but you should whiten your teeth.” Regain control of the situation by showing signs of confidence, even if you have to fake it. Stay composed and remind yourself that they’re trying to hurt you to manipulate you—don’t give them the satisfaction!
6. They publicly shame you.
A narcissist might try to embarrass you in front of others to intimidate you, like by mocking or teasing you about your insecurities. If you’ve done something to upset them, they’ll try to put you in a corner and gang up on you—it gives them an ego boost to feel superior around others. The best way to deal with this is to try not to show them you’re upset. Laugh it off and try to make self-deprecating remarks to show that you’re unaffected. If they escalate their comments to get a reaction, others will see how toxic they are.
7. They try to become besties with your loved ones.
Narcissists love to take control of your life as much as they can. They’ll try to get closer to your loved ones and create drama to make you feel isolated and alienated. The best way to deal with this is by getting support from people you trust like a therapist or a friend the narcissist hasn’t made contact with yet. If you surround yourself with optimistic people, you’ll look after your self-esteem without allowing the narcissist to bring you down.
8. They mention your previous mistakes.
Narcissists will find your biggest triggers that make you feel unworthy and bring them up to keep you in a state of sadness. For example, if you get a new job, they’ll say, “Don’t make the same mistake you did in your previous one.” Or, if you mention that you’re spending time with your friend, they’ll say, “Remember when you were so mean to this friend? You’re lucky she still cares about you.” The best way to deal with this is to remind them that you’ve made mistakes but they don’t define you, instead of arguing with them or getting upset. Show them that you’re not allowing their comments to dent your self-worth.
9. They love telling you half-truths.
If you’re dealing with a narcissist, you know how much they love to lie and distort reality, so they’ll use half-truths to provoke you. If you call them out on a lie, they’ll delight in how upset/angry/frustrated you get. Any attention from you is what they crave, even if it’s negative. That’s why it’s better to stay calm and challenge their lies with evidence and facts. Don’t try to convince them of the truth, it’ll just escalate tension and your emotional response.
10. They project their flaws onto you.
Sometimes, a narcissist will try to project their flaws, mistakes, and insecurities onto you to provoke you. They want you to feel defensive, ashamed, and guilty. For example, they might accuse you of being selfish when they’re self-centered. Or, they might criticize your appearance because they feel self-conscious about theirs. They do this so they don’t have to feel bad about their own shortcomings. Try not to take the criticism personally, reminding yourself that their behavior is a display of their low self-worth. It’s better to remain silent instead of trying to disprove them, which won’t get you anywhere.
11. They invalidate your feelings.
A classic example of how a narcissist will try to provoke you is by dismissing or brushing away your feelings. They know that you’re at your most vulnerable when you open up to them or confide in them, so they take pleasure in making you feel unimportant and worthless. For example, they might laugh at you when you mention you’re anxious about your work meeting. Or, they’ll say, “You’re such a baby” when you cry because you fought with a friend. It’s good to call them out on the behavior, saying, “When you ridicule me/make me feel bad for expressing an emotion, I feel hurt.” This prevents the drama of a confrontation, which is what the narcissist was probably hoping to gain.
12. They engage in “narcissistic rage.”
Narcissistic rage is when a narcissist has an emotional blowup, becoming highly angry and aggressive. It tends to happen if they’re feeling challenged or threatened and sometimes it manifests as verbal abuse. It’s a form of bullying that they use so you’re afraid and try to appease them. It’s helpful to set personal boundaries in this situation, saying, “I won’t tolerate being yelled at. If you speak to me disrespectfully, I’ll end this conversation until you calm down.” This firm response can help protect you from emotional harm.
13. They make irrational arguments.
A narcissist might go off on a tangent when confronted, not making sense on purpose. For example, if you confront them for lying, they’ll talk about how it’s not their fault, you never listen, or you always make them the bad guy. It goes on and on—they want to distract you and by creating confusion they can shift the power dynamic in their favor. Avoid getting sidetracked by their attempts to derail the conversation. Keep the focus on the issue at hand so you’re not drawn into their manipulative tactics.
14. They make you jealous.
By finding ways to make you jealous, a narcissist will test your loyalty and see how they can provoke you. For example, when they see someone attractive at the grocery store, they’ll tell you, “Isn’t she wonderful?” Or, if you’re having dinner, they’ll be flirtatious with the waitstaff. It’s all about making you feel inferior. If you cause a scene or get angry, they’ll enjoy seeing how easily they can rattle you. The best way to deal with this is to avoid showing signs that you’re jealous. Stay calm and composed, or distract yourself by looking at your phone. Show them how insignificant their attempts are.
15. They give you the silent treatment.
It might puzzle you when the narcissist in your life doesn’t reply to your texts or refuses to talk to you for days or weeks at a time. Narcissists do this when they feel you’ve done something wrong or to get your attention. They might derive satisfaction from knowing that their silence is causing confusion or distress. Resist the urge to plead for their attention or apologize for something you didn’t do to make things right. You haven’t done anything wrong, after all, so step away. Let them wonder where you’re at, instead of giving them what they want.
16. Fed up with feeling alone? Attract love by changing your mindset.
With our sister site Sweetn‘s simple quiz and mind tools, love is closer than you think. They’ll give you the tools and skills you need to transform the way you date and shift your energy to help you find lasting love. It only takes a few minutes to get started, so check it out here.
