A narcissist who wants to hurt you will run to your loved ones and try to turn them against you too. Their plan is to influence as many people as they can, in the hope that you’ll be isolated and lonely and have more time for them. It’s so malicious! Here are 15 signs a narcissist is trying to make your friends and family see you in a bad light.
1. They’re super-charming with loved ones.
Everything a narcissist does is planned ahead of time. When they spend time with your loved ones, they’ll be full of praise and flattery. They’ll do everything they can to appear warm and loving, essentially love-bombing them to make them view them positively. They do this so that they can have greater influence over them at a later stage when they want to turn them against you. Being charming and building a relationship with your loved ones will make it easier for them to control their opinions about you.
2. They play the victim.
It’s common for narcissists to try to win your loved ones’ sympathy so that they gain allies when they’re going through a rough patch with you. During a bad fight, for example, a narcissistic partner will run to your family tearful and sad, desperate for their sympathy. This might cause your loved ones to call you and tell you how bad the narcissist is feeling, as though to guilt you into talking to them. They’re falling for the narcissist’s Oscar-worthy performance!
3. They deny the truth.
Everything a narcissist tells your loved ones about you will focus on how they’re right and you’re wrong. They’ll deny the truth: that you’re walking away from them because they’ve been abusive and controlling. Instead, they’ll say that you’re ending the relationship because you’ve met someone else. They want to lie about what really happened so they get more people on their side. This is known as the narcissistic smear campaign, and it’s done to destroy your reputation.
4. They create drama in your relationships.
Narcissists love causing chaos so that they can confuse people and control them. So, they might tell your loved ones that you’ve been saying nasty things about them to cause fights between you. This enables them to create drama between you and your loved ones while disengaging from the situation and watching it from a distance. They hope that by doing this, you’ll fight with your loved ones and even isolate yourself from them without the narcissist having to do anything. Ultimately, narcissists want you to be isolated from everyone so they can better control you.
5. They confide in loved ones about you.
Some narcissists prefer to reach out to your loved ones to confide in them and pretend to be concerned about you. For example, they might talk about how they’re worried about you because they can’t get a hold of you on the phone. Or, they’re worried about where you are with your friends because you’re not answering their texts. They’re trying to get your loved ones on their side so that they seem like a concerned, loving partner.
6. They bring a third party into your arguments.
Sometimes, a narcissist will resort to a tactic called “triangulation.” This is when they bring another person into your relationship conflict to make you feel bad. For example, they might say they confided in your aunt or sister and they agreed with them about how unreasonable you are. This has the effect of ganging up on you so you feel like you’re in the wrong. You might also feel like your loved ones are hating on you, which is what the narcissist wants.
7. They undermine your abilities to loved ones.
When you’re trying to succeed in life, the narcissist might try to make you feel like you’re not good enough in front of your loved ones. For example, if you want to apply for a cooking competition, they might mention the day you almost burned down the house while making eggs. Or, if you get a work promotion, they might mention that you’re already burned out with your current workload. Their goal is to make your family doubt your competence, which could also cause them to see the narcissist as being concerned or realistic.
8. They share mutual grievances with loved ones.
To bond with your family and friends, the narcissist might try to find things about you that they can complain about. They might do this in a joking way, even though they’re not being lighthearted. For example, they might talk about how you lost your temper during a fight, and then laugh with your loved ones about how emotional you are. Or, they might tease you for being bossy. They do this to chip away at your confidence while simultaneously connecting with your loved ones.
9. They use your secrets against you.
If you’ve upset a narcissist, they might expose your secrets to your loved ones. This is a strategy they use to make your loved ones see you in a negative light, especially if what you’ve been hiding about yourself feels shameful or shocking to them. They’re telling your loved ones about your secrets in order to seem like the honest, trustworthy partner in the relationship.
10. They manipulate loved ones to spread gossip about you.
Since narcissists seek validation from others to boost their fragile egos, they might try to manipulate your loved ones so they spread gossip about you. This can form part of their smear campaign against you, or it could be to make themselves feel superior. They can do this by asking your loved ones questions about you, such as, “I’ve always wondered if [insert your name] is as honest as they say they are. Have you caught them in a lie?” Another example: “[Insert your name] seems distant…do you think they’re hiding something?” This encourages your loved ones to talk about you. The narcissist might also speak directly with the gossip lover of your social circle who’s more likely to spread the speculation about you around town.
11. They bond with your family and friends without you.
A clever way for a narcissist to isolate you is by connecting with your loved ones. They’ll find mutual interests and hobbies they can enjoy with your friends or family members, and pursue them without you. Or, they’ll connect with your loved ones on social media. They’ll take advantage of times when you’re unavailable so that they can slip into your social circle and dominate your friendships. Although they make it seem like they love spending time with your loved ones, they’re just getting closer to them to make you feel jealous and alone.
12. They use reactive abuse to make others think you’re crazy.
Reactive abuse is a strategy used by a narcissist to trigger you into reacting to their behavior in a volatile way. So, they might provoke your anger by criticizing you so that when you lose your temper because of how they treat you, you look unreasonable in front of your loved ones. They will bring up issues that tend to trigger you so you’re more likely to have an emotional response. By doing this, the narcissist can shift blame for how they’re treating you onto you. The result? You look like the toxic person in the situation.
13. They resort to gaslighting.
Gaslighting is another tactic used by the narcissist. This is when they try to control and manipulate their victims by distorting reality and undermining their confidence. If your loved ones believe what you’ve told them about the narcissist, the narcissist might say, “I never did that. It’s all made up!” Or, they might say, “[Insert your name] is imagining things.” They’ll distort your words and reality to make it seem like you’re the problem.
14. They project their insecurities onto you.
The narcissist loves turning the tables on you in front of your loved ones, acting as though their insecurities or faults are yours. For example, they’ll tell your loved ones about how irresponsible you are with money even though they’re the one who has tons of debt! Or, they might say you’re never home with the kids, even though they’re never present. By projecting their insecurities onto you, it makes them feel superior. And, if you try to dispute their claims, it might seem like you’re the liar in the situation.
15. They keep people guessing with mystery and insinuation.
Narcissists might tell your loved ones vague things about you to cast doubts about your character. For example, if your sister asks the narcissist how things are going with you, they might say, “I don’t want to get into it” or “I know you love her, but I don’t want to talk about it.” Even though they’re not blatantly telling lies about you, they’re insinuating that there’s some juicy, negative gossip. That’s usually enough to make your loved ones wonder what’s going on, without blaming the narcissist.
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