Being around someone who only thinks about themselves can be draining, but it doesn’t have to be the end of your relationship with them. By spotting their selfish behavior and finding ways to make them realize that they’re hogging the spotlight, you might be able to have healthier interactions. Here are 15 signs that someone’s all about themselves and what you can do to handle the situation (without losing your cool).
1. They steal the spotlight during every conversation
One of the most obvious signs that someone’s too focused on themselves is if they always dominate conversations. No matter what you’re trying to talk about, they’re quick to steer the topic to them. For example, if you mention that you baked a delicious apple pie, they’ll tell you anecdotes about their baking as though they’re a MasterChef winner. A good way to handle the situation is to gently say, “As I was saying…” and go back to what you want to talk about.
2. They let you make all the effort
If someone’s not willing to compromise with you and expects you to do all the work in the friendship or relationship, they’re selfish. Maybe they always expect you to drive to meet them or wait for you to initiate a conversation. A good way to deal with them is to pull back a bit so you can show them that they have to make some effort to keep things going.
3. They lack empathy
It’s frustrating when someone self-centered never acknowledges your feelings. So, if you tell them that you’re going through a rough patch in your relationship or you’re stressed with work, they seem uninterested or brush off your concerns so they can go back to their favorite topic…themselves! While you can’t make someone more empathetic, it can help to open up about how their behavior makes you feel so they can become aware of what they’re doing.
4. Your needs are never on their radar
You know the friend who invites you to dinner at a steak restaurant even though you’re vegan or the person who plans a “fun” birthday party that involves hiking even though you hate the outdoors? Yup, they’re so focused on what they want that they totally steamroll over others’ needs. When someone doesn’t consider your preferences, the only way to handle this situation is to be clear about your boundaries so they know where you stand.
5. They have controlling tendencies
Someone selfish might want everything done their way—they’re the friend who’ll take over organizing a group vacation even though you were already doing it or the partner who cleans up after you as though you’re a child. Yikes. It might be good to chat with them so you can agree on being in control of different tasks, this way it prevents you from stepping on each other’s toes. If you live together, having a list of respective chores and tasks can help.
6. They lash out when you give them feedback
If you tell your friend or partner how their behavior has upset you or you try to give them feedback on a project they’re likely to become angry or defensive. What? It’s so unsettling and can cause you to hide your true feelings in the future to avoid drama. The next time they lash out, consider walking away or not engaging with them. You could also tell them that you won’t tolerate their unfair emotional response in the future so they check themselves.
7. They turn everything into a competition
It’s stressful to be around someone who always wants to one-up you. If you say you’re good at tennis, they’ll organize a “fun” game and throw their racket when they lose a game. Or, if you get a promotion, they’ll try to seem more successful than you by mentioning they’re starting a business. It’s a never-ending, stressful competition and you may want to reconsider how this person adds to your life. That said, if they’re someone you want to keep in your circle, it’s probably best to avoid situations that bring out their competitive side.
8. They tell you what you want to hear
Someone selfish might always seem like they have the perfect answer for you. If you ask them if they like your outfit, they’ll say yes even though they’re lying. Or, if you confide in them about your relationship woes, they’ll tell you that everything will work out. Although it feels like their intentions are good, they might be giving you cookie-cutter answers or telling you what you want to hear so they can brush off your feelings. They’re not invested enough to want to go knee-deep in a real conversation with you.
9. They don’t ask you questions
You know you’re dealing with a self-absorbed person if you know a lot more about them than they know about you. If they do show an interest in your life, they tend to keep things on a surface level, like by asking how your day is going or how you’re doing, but without asking follow-up questions. They’re talking at you, not with you! To get some time on the mic around them, it might be good to say something like, “I’m doing great, thanks” and see how they react.
10. They always say “You’re such a good listener”
Some self-absorbed people who assume the world revolves around them will tell you that you’re an amazing or empathetic listener. Take the compliment because it’s great, but also realize they’re probably reaching out to you because you’re so good at letting them vent or ramble on about themselves. Ugh. While it’s awesome to be a good listener, especially if they’re going through a rough patch, limit how much energy you give them so you don’t drain your resources.
11. They make every gathering about them
Self-centered people crave attention, so they’re likely to burst out in tears at someone’s engagement party or baby shower or they might bring some drama during a relaxing outing in nature. They always need to be in the spotlight, whether for positive or negative reasons. Even though you want to be supportive, avoid being pulled into their drama by staying as emotionally neutral as possible. If they see they can’t get your attention, they might stop trying to get it from you in the future.
12. They zone out in your company
Being around someone self-centered can make you feel like you don’t matter or you’re boring because they’re always blanking out. They might check their phone or look like they’d rather be anywhere else than with you. What’s the point of spending time with this person? You don’t have to try to jump through hoops to keep them entertained. Instead, bring attention to their behavior, such as by quipping, “Are you bored?” when they get distracted. Oh, and seriously consider if it’s good for your emotional well-being to stick with this person.
13. They don’t know how to say “thank you”
When you do something nice for the person, like giving them a ride to work or changing your schedule to accommodate them, they never seem to show much gratitude. They behave in self-entitled ways that make you feel like they just want to take whatever they feel is theirs. It’s so rude! If they do this all the time, calmly tell them that their behavior hurts you. Use “I feel” statements so you don’t come across as attacking them, by saying, “I feel hurt/offended/taken for granted when you never thank me for what I do.”
14. They bring you down
Someone highly focused on themselves might tell you what to do or criticize you about everything. It’s not fun being on the receiving end of their trolling. To deal with it, try not to take their words personally—they’re the ones with the problem. Avoid reacting emotionally as this could intensify the situation, and instead, make vague comments such as, “Point taken” or “Okay, thanks for that.” Show them that you’re not going to let them tell you what to do.
15. They fish for your compliments.
It’s common for self-absorbed people to try to get your praise. What, have you been hired as their official ego booster? Make them aware of their behavior by framing your comment as an observation, such as by saying, “Have you noticed that you usually want my validation on things? Why do you think that is?” and see what happens. Maybe you’ll help them get to the root cause of why they need so much validation so they can break their bad habit.
