Love is everywhere. It seems like every month, people you know are getting married and having babies. Social media feeds are full of engagement rings, honeymoons, and other odes to happy couples. Movies, novels, and music are obsessed with love. And falling in love has got to be the best feeling in the world… or is it? Here are 15 common misconceptions people have about love.
1. Love is a spontaneous feeling.
We’ve all been there. We’ve been getting to know someone new, and we just don’t feel that “spark”. But that type of love is simply the feeling of falling in love, or “limerance” as some psychologists call it. Real love evolves later. Just look at the number of loving couples in arranged marriages for proof.
2. Everyone has one soulmate.
The truth is, you don’t need to look for your soulmate, there are a number of people we could build happy relationships with. While most people long for the “one,” it can be a waste of time—as long as you have basic compatibility, you can learn to love many different people.
3. You either have it or you don’t.
It’s possible to feel loving at times and not others, but still be in a loving relationship with a person. You might be afraid you’ve fallen out of love, but it’s possible that your relationship just needs reviving after the stresses and strains of life. Money worries, conceiving and raising children, moving house, and caring for older family members all take their toll.
4. Love means you’ll be happy.
Even the most loving relationship in the world is no guarantee against the inevitable disappointments and traumas of life. You might be with the right person, but they can only support you so much through tough times. You still need personal qualities like resilience, self-discipline, and emotional control to be happy.
5. Loving means being pleasant.
Sometimes, you have to tell your loved one things that are hard to hear. Trying to be pleasant all the time is actually doing a disservice to your partner. Just don’t be unkind. Helping each other grow, facing problems they need to overcome, and making tough choices are all part of being a good partner.
6. Being in love lasts forever.
You meet someone, you fall in love, you move in together, and marry them. You may even have kids together. Then, you feel like you fall out of love, and you consider separating. But you have to work at it. The feeling of being in love doesn’t last forever, but the commitment you make shouldn’t be broken. Make an effort to keep the romance alive.
7. You must start off physically attracted to someone.
Being in the friend zone isn’t such a bad thing—many friendships have grown into some of the greatest love affairs between people. Friendship is often the best foundation for love because it means you can get to know each other authentically. For women, in particular, romantic feelings for another person can grow over time.
8. Love is not an action or a habit.
Rather than a feeling state, love is actually a choice. It’s an action you take every day of your life—to be there for someone, to show up, to listen, to be attentive, to care about them. Naturally, feelings of warmth and love arise after you demonstrate that you love someone in your everyday actions.
9. Love means never arguing.
Conflict always happens and if you don’t argue, it means you’ve both disengaged. Of course, it’s not good to be overly critical, but healthy conflict and having difficult conversations will help your relationship flourish. It’s not about eradicating differences, but finding common ground and appreciating each other.
10. You can have unrequited love.
Love can only grow in a mutual, consensual relationship where you know each other. Being in love with someone you don’t know or don’t know very well, is just an obsession. The other person has to give their consent for you to know them romantically and for love to flourish.
11. Love has to be sexual.
Many people are asexual, or can’t be sexual with their partners for various reasons. There’s nothing wrong with choosing a non-sexual relationship as long as you are intimate in other ways, and express love for each other. Cuddling is totally valid, or sharing words of comfort and affirmation.
12. You have to get married.
Although love is often about making a commitment to each other, it doesn’t have to be in the form of marriage. Whatever commitment means to you is the most important step to take—this could be buying a house together, trying for a baby, or even just sharing your finances.
13. Love is grand.
The movies have taught us that dramatic, romantic scenes symbolize true love. When actually, it’s those small, everyday moments that make us feel the most cared for. These are things you might even forget—it’s making your partner a cup of coffee when they’re tired. It’s bringing them a bunch of flowers as a surprise. It’s fixing the broken lamp without being asked.
14. Loving someone means you owe them something.
Commitment is great. But you still need boundaries—before committing to any relationship, decide what kind of behavior you will, and won’t, accept. You don’t have to stay loyal to someone if they’re treating you badly and you should get help to leave if you need to. Find resources here if you’re a woman, and here if you’re a man.
15. Loving relationships should look like our parents.
Times change. A loving relationship back in the time of the baby boomers may look incredibly different from one that would make millennials or Gen Zers happy. You don’t have to copy your parents and follow their patterns to succeed in love.
