15 Toxic Behaviors That Are Often Normalized in Relationships

15 Toxic Behaviors That Are Often Normalized in Relationships

We all know a healthy relationship is built on mutual respect, communication, and trust. But as the years go by, some couples can develop bad habits that, while common, aren’t exactly helping them maintain the strong bond they need. Just because certain interactions between couples are considered “relatable” or “normal” doesn’t necessarily mean they’re healthy. It’s time to start recognizing these 15 behaviors as toxic.

1. Jealousy

Many people interpret jealousy as a sign of deep affection and attachment. But jealousy can quickly turn into possessive and controlling behavior which can become not only exhausting but borderline scary. If both of you are secure in your commitment to each other and genuinely trust each other, jealousy has no place in your relationship.

2. Constant criticism

Regularly pointing out your partner’s flaws, even under the guise of “constructive criticism,” can undermine their self-esteem and make them feel like they can’t do anything right. Constantly picking at each other starts to feel like nagging and one or both of you will eventually reach your breaking point and start to check out of the relationship.

3. The silent treatment

Some people need space after a disagreement to think through their feelings and have a chance to approach the issue with a clear head. That’s not the same as stonewalling your partner when you’re mad at them as some kind of pointed “punishment”. If you need space, communicate that—anything less is just manipulative game-playing.

4. Keeping score

A relationship isn’t a competition and trying to maintain some kind of balance sheet is a losing game for both of you. Tit for tat has no place in a long-term relationship and bringing up that past in every argument as a justification for your own actions will only breed resentment.

5. Controlling them because you “care”

woman looking at boyfriend side eye

You should want the best for each other, that’s a given. But that doesn’t mean you get to tell each other what to do. You’re both allowed to maintain your individual lives while cultivating a life together. There’s no situation where one person should be making unilateral decisions for the “good of the relationship.”

6. Playing the blame game

Conversation, argument and interracial couple in conflict in a park for communication about divorce. Angry, fight and black man and woman speaking about a relationship problem on a date in nature

From small things like who forgot to take the chicken out of the freezer last night to bigger things like who’s to blame for your lackluster sex life, choosing someone to take responsibility for everything that isn’t perfect in your relationship is, needless to say, unproductive. You should see yourselves as a team that’s in it together—not opponents.

7. Passive aggressiveness

Nothing can be gained by avoiding direct communication in a relationship. Things like sarcastic comments, negging, and weaponized incompetence can all fall under passive-aggressive behavior because they all involve trying to get a message across without actually saying it. You’re making your partner guess your true intentions, and that is sure to result in a lot of broken communication.

8. Doing absolutely everything together

why you get attached quicklyv

You’re in love and want to be close at all times, that’s great, but if you refuse to go for dinner with a friend or won’t spend a weekend with your family unless your partner is there, it’s not healthy—and you’re annoying your loved ones. Ever heard that absence makes the heart grow fonder? Give it a try.

9. Codependency

attached too quicky

As a result of doing everything together, you’ve probably developed codependent tendencies where you feel incapable of making your own decisions. If one of you is sick, you might as well both be sick, because you don’t really function as individuals anymore. It’s not okay and it’s not sustainable.

10. Spending too much time apart

Young couple depressed

On the other end of the spectrum, there are couples that never seem to do anything together. Maybe they’ve grown apart so much that they lose the connection and don’t even realize it, or maybe they’ve maintained their independence to an excessive degree. If you don’t have anything you enjoy doing together, it should be a warning sign that it’s time to find a way to reconnect or break up.

11. No accountability

Being able to admit when you’re wrong is a necessary part of a relationship and life. When you refuse to own up to your mistakes and see your partner’s perspective, they end up feeling unheard and unappreciated. Swallow your pride once in a while and say you’re sorry—it can do wonders for your relationship.

12. Withholding affection

Whether it’s an overt refusal to be intimate in an attempt to get your way, or a more subtle avoidance of your customary goodnight kiss when you’re mad about something, withholding affection is nothing more than manipulation. You never have to force or fake intimacy if you aren’t feeling it, but using your words would be a whole lot more effective than hoping they take a hint.

13. Oversharing with your friends

two women gossiping over cocktails

We all need to vent about our relationship frustrations once in a while, but if you’re doing that all the time instead of actually talking to each other about your issues, nothing will ever be resolved. Not to mention, it’s disrespectful to share your partner’s secrets and private life with other people. Some things are meant to stay between the two of you.

14. Ridiculing each other in front of others

woman gossiping in an office

Some couples have a dynamic where teasing each other is normal and part of their charm, but there are lines that shouldn’t be crossed. If you’re always making jokes at your partner’s expense, it starts to get uncomfortable for the people around you—and it’s only a matter of time before it starts an actual fight.

15. Telling white lies

We’re not saying you have to tell each other every little thing always, but if you’re constantly choosing to keep things to yourself to avoid a “fight” or “drama”, it’s a huge sign that you’re not on the same page. Being honest, even about the hard things, helps strengthen your bond and helps you learn how to communicate with each other effectively.

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By day, Courtney is a digital marketing copywriter living in Toronto, Canada. By night, she's a freelance lifestyle writer who, in addition to Bolde.com, contributes regularly to AmongMen.ca, IN Magazine, and SheBlogs Canada. Want to chat about relationships, Stephen King or your favorite true crime podcast/documentary/book? She's on Twitter @courtooo.