Although a narcissist will try to manipulate you in various ways, one common tactic involves making you feel ashamed or guilty. This is because when you’re vulnerable and have low self-confidence, you’re easier to dominate. Don’t fall into their trap! By being aware of these 15 ways in which narcissists try to control you, you’ll catch onto their manipulative tactics and protect yourself.
1. They withhold affection.
When you’ve done something to upset the narcissist, they might punish you by avoiding affection. They won’t hug you or hold your hand, and they might even say no to physical intimacy. By doing so, they can make you feel bad about your actions, which creates a sense of longing in you. Before you know it, you’re doing whatever it takes to regain the narcissist’s approval and affection.
2. They play the victim card.
provided by iStock
Narcissists love gaining sympathy from others—it’s how they manipulate them. If you’ve done something they don’t like, they’ll put on an Oscar-worthy act to make you feel bad for them. For example, if they don’t want you to spend time with loved ones, they might say, “I love spending time with you so much, but I feel like you’d rather hang out with others.” The result? You cancel your plans to stay with them out of guilt.
3. They “tease” you in front of your loved ones.
When you’re with a narcissist in public, they might make belittling comments framed as jokes to hurt you. They’ll draw attention to your failures, or mention your insecurities to make you feel bad in front of people who respect and love you. By shaming you in this way, they chip away at your self-esteem, which makes it easier for them to control you.
4. They compare you to others.
Narcissists try to break your confidence by comparing you to others and making you feel inferior. So, if you mention that you’re having a bad hair day, your partner might tell you that their ex had beautiful, flowing, shiny hair. They do this to bring you down and make you feel ashamed of your so-called flaws. Over time, this lowers your self-esteem, making you more reliant on the narcissist for validation.
5. They mock your choices.
When you share with the narcissist that you’re going horseback riding or to a kickboxing class, they might make a sarcastic remark. Or, they might speak negatively of your choices, from your purchases and interests to your life decisions. This can make you doubt yourself. It also dilutes the passion you feel for the things you love to do, which the narcissist hopes will result in more of your attention being directed towards them.
6. They deny your good deeds.
A narcissist will try to highlight your mistakes, so when you do good things you do for them, they’re quick to dismiss it. They might appear to have selective amnesia, pretending to forget that you gave them your computer to use when their laptop was broken or brought them soup when they were down with flu. This “forgetfulness” can make you feel like what you’ve done for them wasn’t enough.
7. They keep bringing up what you’ve done wrong.
To keep you in a state of shame and guilt, a narcissist will keep reminding you what you’ve done to hurt them or others. Even after you’ve apologized for being late to lunch or having to cancel date plans, they’ll bring it up in conversation. They want you to continue feeling bad about it so they can have control.
8. They threaten to expose your secrets.
If you’ve shared your deepest, darkest secrets with a narcissist, they were probably taking down notes so that they could use them against you at a later stage. To punish you, they might threaten to expose your shameful secrets to your children or parents, as a way to control you or keep you in line.
9. They make you feel guilty for your success.
A narcissist won’t be happy for you when you achieve your goal because it makes them feel jealous and inferior, so they’ll try to bring you down. They’ll do this by making you feel guilty because they’re feeling inferior, like saying, “I wish I had free time to focus on my career” or “You’re lucky that you have me to support you so you can chase your dreams.”
10. They blame you for their bad actions.
Narcissists will try to guilt and blame you for their mistakes. For example, they might say, “You’re the reason why I kissed someone else—you’re so cold to me.” Or, they might say, “I lost my job because you’re always stressing me out and I can’t concentrate at work.” They have power over you when they succeed at manipulating your emotions.
11. They make you feel bad for having boundaries.
One of the worst things to a narcissist is someone with strong boundaries. They want to be able to take advantage of you, so they’ll try to break them down. For example, they might say that your shameful need for a night alone is upsetting to them or that your need to focus on your career makes them feel like they’re not a priority. Basically, they want you to change your needs so they can gain more access to your life.
12. They point out your flaws.
provided by Shutterstock
To make you feel bad about yourself, a narcissist will regularly draw attention to your flaws. They might say you’ve got wrinkles from spending too much time in the sun or you’ve put on weight from eating unhealthy foods. They do this to make you feel guilty and ashamed, unworthy of their love.
13. They pretend to be martyrs.
Narcissists often portray themselves as martyrs. For example, they’ll exaggerate the compromises they’ve made, or the good deeds they’ve done, in the relationship to make you feel guilty. Perhaps they want you to feel like you’re not doing enough to keep them happy and responsible for their suffering.
14. They twist your intentions.
They’re skilled at trying to make your good intentions seem negative or manipulative, so you feel ashamed. They’ll misinterpret your actions or take them out of context. For example, if you buy their favorite takeaway dinner, they’ll accuse you of not wanting to cook for them. Or, if you say you want to stay home to unwind after a busy day, they’ll say, “Oh, you don’t want to be seen with me in public.”
15. They tell you that you’re overreacting.
When you get angry because the narcissist has done something to upset you, like forgetting your birthday dinner, they’ll dodge the consequences by finding a way to make you feel guilty. So, they might say, “You’re acting crazy” or “You’re overreacting” to make you feel bad and stop hassling them.
16. Sick of the dating world but still want to find a partner? Turn your love life around with your mind.
Discover the power of thought with our sister site, Sweetn. Their quick quiz and research-backed tools make finding love easy and fun by transforming the way you think about dating and relationships. Click to try now — it only takes a few weeks to see a difference.
