Toxic people are the worst. The sad fact of life is that sometimes, you can’t avoid them. And if you can’t avoid them, that means you need to find ways to keep your cool around them. Whether they’re a co-worker or a family member, here are 15 ways to do just that.
1. Set boundaries.
I get it, boundaries can sometimes feel hard and uncomfortable to set. But if you want to stay calm when someone is being toxic, it’s something you have to do. Maybe that looks like telling your extremely complain-y coworker that you’re swamped and don’t have time to chat. Maybe that’s telling your mother-in-law that you’d really prefer if she didn’t talk about body image in front of the kids. Whatever it is, when you set boundaries people usually take the hint.
2. Don’t take it personally.
This one is way easier said than done, but it’s an important skill to learn. When you’re around a toxic person, they can make you feel like you’ve done something wrong. But here’s the thing: they’re projecting. That criticism has way less to do with you and way more to do with their own insecurities and hangups. So don’t let them bring you down because you are not a target to be projected upon.
3. See them less.
Is there an option to see this person less? If there is, take it. If it’s not that easy for you to do, then you can try to limit the time you spend interacting with them. Maybe if you find yourself alone with them, you excuse yourself to go to the bathroom. Or maybe you engage in conversations with other people to send them the signal that you’re available. Whatever it takes to protect your energy. (BTW, if you’re sick of ending up in romantic relationships with toxic people, you might find our sister site, Sweetn, super helpful. They have game-changing tips, tricks, and advice to completely overhaul your love life in just a few weeks.)
4. Don’t try to change them.
When you’re dealing with a toxic person, an important thing you have to do is accept the fact that they’re toxic. The sad truth is, you can’t change toxic people (even if they say they want to change, deep down they don’t). So don’t fall into the trap of thinking it’s your responsibility, because it most certainly is not.
5. Come from a place of neutrality.
The thing about toxic people is that they’re going to provoke you. Whether they’re doing that intentionally or not, you have to be aware of this behavior. One minor slipup could cause them to freak out, and if you respond to that with equal anger? You’ll get sucked right into their negative spiral. So, even if there’s a fire raging inside you, try to outwardly appear calm and collected to avoid unnecessary confrontations.
6. Focus on the solution.
Toxic people love to dwell on the negative crap that’s going on in their lives. Don’t let them! Switch the conversation to a solution-oriented one by suggesting possible ways for them to deal with their situation. It’ll shift their focus and keep you cool, calm, and collected.
7. Pick your battles.
You’ve probably heard this tip in many other life scenarios because it’s a useful one. Sometimes it’s perfectly okay (and mentally healthy) to bite your tongue or back down when the topic isn’t really all that important. What I mean is, that not every conversation a toxic person starts needs to be taken so seriously. If this person is going to be in your life, then it’s worth it to find times where you can save your breath.
8. Understand their toxic cycle.
One of the scariest things about toxic people is that it’s hard to know what version of them you’re going to get on any given day. A great way to get ahead of that is to start understanding their behavioral patterns. They’re charming at first, reeling you in. Then, the more you get to know them, you start seeing the cracks—they demand more and more of you until finally they’re in crisis mode and you’re expected to pick up the pieces.
9. Don’t expect anything in return.
Toxic people like take, take, take. They will suck you dry of every emotional resource you have without so much as a thank you. Is it frustrating? Absolutely. Rude? For sure. But when you know from the get-go that it’s not a two-way relationship, it becomes way easier to manage your expectations. Give them the bare minimum that you need to give and move on.
10. Focus on the things that make you feel good.
There are plenty of ways to deal with toxic people in the moment, but another part of the puzzle is making sure your emotional health is taken care of. That means: going to therapy, meditating, journaling, breath exercises can all help in making you a calmer individual, thus better preparing you for when toxicity strikes.
11. Show empathy (within reason).
Sometimes toxic people aren’t just complaining—they may genuinely be going through something super stressful or hard. That doesn’t mean you should let them off the hook, but it may be helpful to approach them with empathy about what they’re going through. Why? Because it disarms them and removes the need for defensiveness.
12. Lean on your support system.
When you’re overwhelmed by a toxic person, it can be really helpful to talk about that experience with someone you trust. Whether that’s a therapist, a family member, or a friend, it feels calming to be validated. Plus, they may be able to offer advice or insights on the situation that you hadn’t thought about before.
13. Stay authentic.
When you’re around someone enough, it can be easy to pick up on their traits (good and bad). Unfortunately, toxic people are so negative that it can easily seep into your personality and change the way you interact with the world around you. Don’t let it—you have control over how you act. So stay positive and authentic and you’ll be just fine.
14. Change the subject.
A great tactic to use when a toxic person just won’t stop complaining is to change the subject. It might feel a little awkward at first but, like with most things, practice makes perfect. Find a natural place in the conversation by saying something like, “Oh! I’ve been meaning to ask you, did you ever read that book I lent you?” It’s a great way to move off of the negative vibes (even for a second) and get the toxic person’s brain onto something else.
15. Walk away.
There are going to be some toxic people that you just can’t hack or, at least keep your cool around. In those cases, the best thing you can do is walk away from the relationship. It’s not easy and the toxic person may try to suck you back in but it’s okay to leave situations that are no longer serving you. And if that’s what you need to do? You deserve to do it.
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