You want to be supportive and a good friend. Great! But sometimes, when you’re trying to make other people feel better you inadvertently say things that have the complete opposite effect. In other words: you annoy them. We know that’s not your intention, so here are 17 phrases that sound supportive but are actually annoying. The more you know!
1. “Just relax and it’ll all work out.”
No one in the history of the world has ever relaxed after being told to relax. It feels aggressive and like you’d rather be dealing with anyone but them. Some people have legitimate mental health issues, like anxiety, that quite literally prevent them from relaxing. Don’t oversimplify their feelings and fail to acknowledge their real emotions.
2. “Just think positive.”
Toxic positivity for one, please. When you say this it, again, invalidates the other person but it’s also annoying AF. When bad stuff happens, people are allowed to be sad, it doesn’t have to be sunshine and rainbows 24/7. Thinking positive isn’t a one-size-fits-all solution that can magically make the hurt go away. It’s a bandaid that doesn’t take the other person’s very real feelings into account.
3. “This too shall pass.”
Does it sound good? Yes. Is it annoying? Also yes. This phrase doesn’t address what’s happening in the present, and it kind of sounds like you’re trying to rush someone in their healing process. The truth is, the healing journey involves some tough emotions and you have to honor that. Sometimes, the most encouraging thing to say or do is to just sit with the other person’s feelings.
4. “Everything happens for a reason.”
It sounds great, but do you know what message you’re putting out when you say this? You’re putting out the message that this bad thing that happened was some kind of cosmic fate. Not only does this platitude invalidate the other person’s feelings, but it also assumes that there needs to be a reason. Sometimes, things just happen. It sucks, but it’s the truth.
5. “You’re so strong, you’ll get through this.”
You’re acknowledging someone’s strength and resilience, what could be so bad about this? Well, if you go a little deeper this is kind of limiting—you’ve made the other person feel like because they’re strong they can’t feel the emotions they’re currently feeling. It doesn’t give them a safe space to open up and deal with their hurt.
6. “You’ll feel better tomorrow.”
Sure, emotions fluctuate. And there is a chance that they may feel better tomorrow. But this is another phrase that minimizes and invalidates their current pain. It comes across as unsupportive and like everything will magically be okay when the sun comes back up.
7. “It’s all in your head.”
Whether this is true or not, this phrase is not only dismissive, but it’s outright rude. People and their emotions are complex! Looking at their crisis as purely psychological overlooks and invalidates their experience. It’s also kind of an outdated view on mental health and you want to be an ally, right?
8. “It could’ve been worse.”
For the love of all things holy, please do not say this. No one feels better when you compare a worse scenario to theirs. Sure, other people do have it worse but that doesn’t mean this person isn’t allowed to experience what they’re experiencing. Instead of comforting or encouraging the other person, you’ve made them feel guilty for “complaining.”
9. “You should be grateful for X…”
Gratitude can be such a great thing for the old mental health. But when someone’s in the middle of a crisis, this is the last thing they want to hear. Let’s say someone loses their job, it may be an accurate statement that the person is lucky to get severance in this economy, it completely negates the emotional and physical toll of being laid off or other hardships.
10. “It wasn’t meant to be.”
This phrase minimizes the effort that this person put into achieving whatever they wanted to achieve. It also minimizes the very real pain of the lost opportunity. When you tell them it wasn’t meant to be, it communicates the idea that this person doesn’t have agency over their own life and it’s just generally unempathetic.
11. “It’s over now.”
This is super dismissive. It’s almost like saying, “Why are you still talking about this? It’s in the past,” to the person dealing with a challenge. It pushes the other person away and doesn’t take into account the fact that everyone grieves differently. Sure, the thing may be physically over but that doesn’t mean it’s over emotionally.
12. “This reminds me of the time…”
You know what people love? When you use their sad situation as an excuse to talk about yourself. This person has come to you because they needed an ear. This may be your way of relating to them, but the person dealing with something shouldn’t have to sit there while you recount some story that may or may not have anything to do with the current situation.
13. “The same thing happened to me and I’m okay.”
You’re trying to show them that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel—you’re literally living proof that life goes on! But when someone’s down in the dumps, it doesn’t really matter if they’ll be okay eventually. Sometimes, someone just needs to be validated in their right to feel not great. This also does the same thing as the phrase above and turns the attention on you.
14. “Everyone deals with that.”
You may think that telling a person they’re dealing with a common problem will make them feel better. But sometimes, it does the opposite: it isolates them and—say it with us—invalidates them. It trivializes what this person is going through—just because everyone deals with it, doesn’t make it better.
15. “You’ll understand when you’re older.”
Talk about patronizing! This person who’s coming to you with their issue may be young, but invalidating their experience based on their age is icky. They may very well look back when they’re older with a sense of understanding—hindsight is 20/20—but it’s important to listen and validate all people regardless of their age or experiences.
16. “Don’t worry I’m sure it’ll be fine.”
Yikes! We get that this is meant to instill confidence but it’s actually quite dismissive. Instead of offering empathy and understanding, you’re offering empty reassurance that can add to the other person’s anxiety and self-doubt. Two words: not nice.
17. “Just let it go.”
What a novel idea! If this person was able to “just let it go,” then they probably wouldn’t have come to you in the first place. This completely oversimplifies the emotional healing process and not everyone can just drop their worries like the old lady dropped her heart necklace into the ocean. It may be the way you deal with things, but don’t brush someone aside because they approach the situation differently than you would.
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