We are all guilty of unknowingly or unintentionally hurting someone we care about. Whether it be because we don’t think about our words or because we’re too focused on our own goals, it’s not uncommon to accidentally trigger others along the way. However, it’s vital to make an effort to be mindful of ourselves and the way we affect others. We don’t want to hurt them, so you must learn the 17 ways you might unknowingly trigger someone’s insecurities.
1. Being overly critical.
We all know that criticism is necessary to grow. No one is perfect, and as long as you present it constructively, it’s just a way to push someone to be their best. But what happens when we’re blinded by the desire to help our loved ones succeed? Sometimes, we can become overly harsh or overly critical of the things they do. Someone insecure could take this constant feedback and internalize it negatively, contributing to their low self-esteem.
2. Speaking about their past.
Insecurity and self-esteem often arise from past baggage. Sometimes, asking invasive questions about someone’s past or bringing up negative shared experiences can trigger insecurity. They may want to leave those bad memories behind, and by bringing them up, you force them into a traumatic situation by having to relive them.
3. Not responding to texts, calls, or invitations to hang out.
No one likes to feel rejected, but those who are insecure feel it much more profoundly. When you ignore your friends’ calls and texts or reject their invites, they might believe you don’t like them. This can be a harsh feeling and very triggering for them. I’m not suggesting you accept every invite out of pity; just consider reassuring them that it’s not personal when you can’t make it.
4. Comparing them to others.
There’s an old saying by Theodore Roosevelt that says “Comparison is the thief of joy.” There’s a lot of truth to the adage; by comparing yourself to others, you lose the joy in authentically being yourself. You neglect to enjoy how far you have come by constantly striving to improve. Many people with insecurities try their best to avoid comparison, but it can be jarring and painful when a loved one brings it up. So, for everyone’s sake, avoid comparing.
5. Taking them out to a crowded place.
Social anxiety is among the most common kinds of anxiety that people experience. When you invite someone to a crowded bar with a lot going on, you may not realize the potential landmine they see. They might feel insecure about being around so many people or hyper-aware of how they dress or dance. Before you put your friends on the guest list, checking in to see what type of environments could trigger them might be a good idea.
6. Not giving any feedback.
You may think you can avoid hurting anyone’s feelings by avoiding sharing your thoughts. Even though neutrality is a generally good policy, sometimes this method can have the opposite effect. By clamming up, they may assume that your opinion of them is horrible. Alternatively, they deeply crave validation and positive reinforcement and may feel concerned or disheartened if they never get it from you. There can still be things you refuse to comment on, such as your partner’s weight or political conversations, but it’s still essential that you share once in a while.
7. Speaking poorly of other people.
If you are a complainer or the type who likes to speak poorly of people, it could be inadvertently hurting your friend. When you speak poorly of others, your friends may see this as a poor reflection on them. Those with low self-worth often think less of themselves than others and this negativity may cause the friend to reflect on traits they share with the people you’ve criticized, which can be painful. Frankly, it’s kinder to not speak badly of others but also better for your insecure friend.
8. Being impatient.
Often, those who have low self-esteem resort to perfectionism as a way to offset their poor self-image. They seek to be the best and produce excellent results, hoping that it will distract from their perceived flaws. When you’re impatient, they may get triggered on several levels. It sets up the fear that one, you are upset with them, and two, what they’re working on won’t be perfect, therefore revealing their weakness to everyone. Letting these folks take their time will make them feel more comfortable and understood.
9. Teasing them, even playfully.
I know a few people who swear by a playful ribbing. Still, it’s best to remember that everyone has different thresholds for how much they can tolerate being teased. Not to mention, some people have certain things that are off-limits. Even though it might be a joke to you or meant as a playful gesture, it can be truly painful to have someone make a joke at your expense. If you like to mess around, having a candid conversation around limitations with a friend can prevent you from doing actual damage while making jokes.
10. Talking about their body.
Body image is a hot-button issue, especially for women. It can be damaging whether you mean to pay someone a compliment or insult their figure. When it comes to talking about others’ bodies, I believe in an all-hands-off policy. There are too many opportunities to hit a sensitive spot accidentally. It doesn’t matter whether it’s about a plus-size person or someone with a smaller body; avoid body talk if you want to avoid potentially hurting someone’s feelings.
11. Withholding praise or neglecting positivity.
It’s simple: If someone does a good job, tell them! If someone makes you proud, tell them! If you love someone, tell them! There are so many people who want to be cool and mysterious, and sure, that’s fun, but what’s really fun is authentically showing people love and support. More importantly, it’s counterproductive to withhold praise or neglect uplifting loved ones, and it can trigger insecurity. No one deserves to doubt their greatness, so it’s better to offer positivity when it’s possible. Remember: They will never know how great you think they are if you never make a point to say so.
12. Talking about sensitive subjects.
Trauma leaves invisible scars on people. The problem with this is you never know what type of conversations and content will trigger those who have dealt with certain situations in their past. We know that those who survive traumatic situations often blame themselves or feel insecure or shameful about what has happened to them, so don’t be the person to bring it up. Be careful about the things you expose your friends to or talk about. It’s worth trying to be a safe space for your friends.
13. Criticizing their coping mechanisms.
When people struggle with insecurity, it can manifest in a number of ways—jealousy, clinginess, isolation, struggle with control, and the need to constantly self-soothe. Often, they don’t have control over these reactions. There is no reason to shame or make them feel insecure about doing what they must to feel comfortable. If it doesn’t work for you, all you have to do is walk away.
14. Redoing or correcting their work.
Besides being an incredibly annoying habit, redoing others can be a potential trigger. If someone works hard on something, and you immediately go and change it, it affects how they feel about their work and their abilities. If it’s your job to fine-tune someone’s work, then providing feedback and allowing them to do it themselves or asking permission before tweaking can help ease some of those feelings of rejection.
15. Talking over them or disregarding their input.
One of the most gut-wrenching feelings is when you’re talking in a group, and you say something, and everyone ignores it. It can make you feel unimportant, unvalued, and, more seriously, like you don’t have valuable ideas. We need to think that our words and opinions hold weight, and when others disregard us or talk over us, it can make us feel seriously unworthy. Improving your active listening skills and reiterating people’s points when they make them are good ways to avoid triggers like this.
16. Treating them like they need to be “fixed.”
No one wants to feel like someone’s project. Even if you’re trying to help someone, it can be considered condescending and trigger feelings of inadequacy. They may see themselves as unfinished, unworthy, or unfortunate enough to warrant charity, and all of those feelings will weigh on their self-esteem. We are all works in progress. So try to avoid treating someone like they need your help or need improvement if you want to avoid triggering them.
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