The 20 Agonizing Stages Of Getting Dressed To Go Out

The 20 Agonizing Stages Of Getting Dressed To Go Out ©iStock/PeopleImages

There’s nothing like a fun evening planned out on the town to turn any rational gal into a complete headcase who can’t figure out what to wear because nothing looks right and she’s too fat and where have all her clothes gone, anyway? Here are some common stages of the process – and trust me, it tends to be a lengthy one.

  1. There is literally nothing to wear. The closet looks relatively full, but don’t be fooled, there isn’t one thing in there.
  2. This outfit is cute, but it doesn’t fit right now. WTF? Is this bloat? Unplanned pregnancy? Too many happy hours last week? Ugh.
  3. Oh, where did this dress come from? You’ve combed through this closet 75 times this week and haven’t seen this dress since 2001. Suspicious.
  4. What is the vibe of this bar you’re going to? You don’t want to be the only girl in a mini dress if it’s totally hipster, or vice versa. So awkward.
  5. This is good, but you just wore it. What did you ever wear before you owned this? You would rock it again already except your last Instagram post features it, so not going to happen.
  6. It’s time for a yard sale. Or eBay, or something. There is way too much of nothing in here in and it needs to get out right now.
  7. Perfect outfit is found, but your bestie is wearing almost the exact same thing. Back to the drawing board. Everyone already thinks you’re sisters as it is, you can’t dress like twins.
  8. Total exasperation. Is it time for an entire new wardrobe? Yeah, like you could afford that.
  9. This outfit looks cute. But you don’t have any shoes to go with it. How have you ever pulled this off there isn’t one pair of shoes that work with this length. What is happening?
  10. Your exasperated sweating is starting to mess with your concealer. Should you have waited to do your makeup?
  11. Sweat builds. You take a break in front of the fan/air conditioner and wonder if this is a hormonal imbalance and not fury at your closet.
  12. Makeup gets all over the neckline of a top as you change. Yep, should have waited to do makeup. Or used a lighter hand on the contouring.
  13. This just looks weird. You’re not sure if you feel like a teeny bopper or a man, but something about it isn’t working.
  14. Wait did you even think about the weather? You would definitely have to wear a jacket with this dress and that would ruin the look. Unless you’ll be inside most of the night?
  15. Consider raiding your roommate’s closet. Except last time she wasn’t home and you borrowed something, it did not go well. You’re still doing the dishes to make up for ripping that top. Not even worth it.
  16. Eh, maybe it’s not even worth going out. This is just so much stress for a birthday party of an acquaintance you don’t even like that much.
  17. You’re wondering why you’re not Beyonce rich already. Beyonce probably has 1,500 unworn, amazing outfits waiting in her closet. Ugh.
  18. It is reasonable to wear the same black pants again? People don’t notice stuff like that, do they? They probably do.
  19. Oh well, this outfit is a little too big! Thank goodness something is finally going right. Except you totally would have worn that had it fit.
  20. Crap, you’re gonna be late. Going with the same outfit you wore last weekend. You didn’t really see anyone that important, right?
Kate Ferguson is a Los Angeles local and freelance writer for a variety of blog and magazine genres. When she's not writing, the UC Davis graduate is focused on pursuits of the entertainment industry, spin class, and hot sauce. Look for article links, updates, (and the occasional joke) on Twitter @KateFerg or @WriterKateFerg, or check out her personal blog