The best nights always tend to leave you with the worst hangovers the next day — the kind you’re sure you’ll never survive and vow to never experience again (until the next $1 shots night, anyway). You pry open your mascara-caked eyelids and hiss at the sunlight very rudely assaulting you through a crack in the curtains and reach for the Advil, praying to God for it to be over before cycling through these 20 thoughts:
1. I really don’t think I’ll ever be able to drink again. I need to be euthanized like a sick cat. It’s the only escape from this hell I’ve wrought upon myself.
2. My breath smells like every bad decision I made last night.
3. Where is my phone? WHERE IS MY PHONE? OH GOD, WHERE IS MY… oh, here it is. False alarm. I tried to charge it by plugging it into my TV for some reason. Um, why is my literal entire screen sticky?
4. I really need to clean my bathroom. Has it always been this bad, or was it just because my face was a quarter inch away from the rim of my toilet?
5. How do I have 17 missed calls from my ex? Wow, man, that loser seriously needs to move on. Wait, are those… oh my God, those are OUTGOING calls?! WTF?!
6. Do I even want to check my social media at this point? I feel like deleting all of my accounts without opening up my notifications is the best way to handle this.
7. Why am I facebook friends with four new people? Hold up, is that the girl I met in line at the bar bathroom? I think I recognize her neck tattoo… and wait, one of them is definitely the Uber driver I kept calling my “soulmate.”
8. Oh wow, 13 new emails? Did someone die at work? Oh no, seven of these are Uber reciepts. I need to look away. Was that trip through the Wendy’s drive-thru really worth $26?
9. Maybe I should shower… Maybe I’ll feel like a new me. Plus, easy clean up if I start spewing Jagermeister in the tub. Okay, we’re doing it. Maybe I should count myself down from 10…
10. Welp, I tried. I stood up and took three steps towards the door. I threw up a little in my mouth. That’s it. There’s no way I’m making it to the kitchen for water. I need to invest in a stairlift.
11. Can I rent a rascal scooter for the rest of the weekend?
12. Will they give you a guide dog if you don’t technically have a disability? Is an extreme hangover a disability? I feel like we need to evaluate that as a society. How do you train a dog to bring you water and Doritos?
13. Okay, that’s it. I’ve finally done it. I’ve definitely given myself alcohol poisoning this time. What if I just got a new liver? Liver transplants are totally a thing, right? I feel like that’s all I need, a fresh start.
14. I mean, they say a glass of wine a day is good for your health, and I had seven last night, so really I’m just taking my medicine for the week. Yeah, that makes sense.
15. Who’s this random person calling me right now? I desperately need to cancel all those plans I enthusiastically made with new friends outside the club last night. Did I seriously agree to dogsit for a complete stranger? I need an intervention.
16. Oh my GOD, was I SMOKING last night?! My hair smells like a bingo hall.
17. I’m quitting my job and becoming a human-duvet hybrid. I’m staying in this cotton burrito until I feel normal again. I ain’t getting out of bed for nobody.
18. Yeah, no. Brunch is definitely not happening.
19. Honestly, the takeaway from this is that my body is a temple, I’m never drinking again and this is just a wake-up call. It’s the perfect time to turn over a new, healthy leaf. I think I’ll sign up for yoga this afternoon. Damn, it’s already 2:30. I’ll do it tomorrow.
20. Wait, did that text just say that brunch has bottomless Bellinis? You know what, the best way to power through this is probably to just keep drinking, like an alcoholic Dory. Just keep drinking, just keep drinking, just keep drinking…