We all have ‘em — exes we can’t believe we dated. And while we might want to forget those relationships ever happened, we should be grateful they did because of everything they taught us about ourselves, men, and the nature of love. Even the worst experiences will ultimately prove to have been worthwhile.
At the same time, right after we’ve had our hearts broken, it’s natural to let off some steam by bitching — either to ourselves or to our close girlfriends — about the guy who disappointed us. So, just for fun, here’s our list of the things that we — in our weaker moments — wish we could say to our exes but never will because, seriously, we’re better and stronger than that (and pay special attention to #22 – it’s the best one):
1. Karma’s a bitch.
2. I realized my value when I dated you. You can’t afford me.
3. You were part of my self-hate phase.
4. Relationships are about give and take. You were excellent at the taking part. Bravo!
5. The clitoris — google it.
6. Didn’t you know I was doing anthropological field work on cavemen?
7. You’re not who I thought you were; you’re actually pretty lame.
8. Do you even have balls?
9. Manscaping — try it.
10. I pity the next girl.
11. Now I know what I don’t want — specifically, an loser.
12. You need therapy.
13. Your mother must be so disappointed.
14. How do you sleep at night?
15. No one can make someone like you happy.
16. You don’t deserve me and, tbh, I’m a little grossed out that I ever thought you did.
17. Grow up.
18. Bouncing up and down on top of me for a couple of minutes is not good sex.
19. The fantasy girl you have in your head would never even want you.
20. Your mother is biased — you’re not special; you’re just a narcissist.
21. Quit texting me – we are never, ever, ever getting baaaack together.
And here’s a bonus one — it’s the only thing that you ever actually should say:
22. Thanks to the lessons I’ve learned, including those I learned from our time together, I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I wish you the best.
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