22 Mean And Petty Things You Want To Say To Your Ex (But Never Should)

Right after we’ve had our hearts broken, it’s natural to let off some steam by bitching — either to ourselves or to our close girlfriends — about the guy who disappointed us. So, just for fun, here’s our list of the things that we — in our weaker moments — wish we could say to our ex but never will because, seriously, we’re better and stronger than that (and pay special attention to #22 – it’s the best one):

Karma’s a bitch. If he’s miserable now or things just aren’t going well, it’s so tempting to throw that back in his face and tell him that it serves him right for how badly he messed up in your relationship. After all, the universe has a way of bringing things full circle. You know, what goes around comes around and all that. There’s no point, though. You can be smug silently.

I realized my value when I dated you. You can’t afford me. You don’t know what took you so long to realize that this guy was really not worthwhile and certainly not on your level. You wasted so much time on him when he could barely be bothered to put in the effort. Now that he’s finally in your past — and hindsight being 20/20 and all — you hold tight to your self-worth. Good for you.

You were part of my self-hate phase. If you’d been in a better place mentally and/or emotionally at the time, you probably would never have gotten with him. You obviously were going through something that made you hate yourself enough to stick around with a guy who was a total POS. Lesson learned.

Relationships are about give and take. You were excellent at the taking part. Bravo! If your ex was selfish and all about what he could get out of you rather than what he could give you or the relationship, this is one of the most tempting texts to send that you definitely shouldn’t. If he’s that self-absorbed, it’s not likely to get through to him so you’d just be wasting your breath.

The clitoris — google it. Seriously, how hard could it be? It’s as if he’s never had sex before in his life and has no idea what a woman’s body is like. You always ended up having to finish yourself off even though he always ended up satisfied. Ugh.

Didn’t you know I was doing anthropological fieldwork on cavemen? If he’s enough of an idiot to have treated you badly enough to dump him, he’s never going to have the intelligence to understand this one. His behavior while you were together was animalistic and uncivilized, but don’t expect him to admit it.

You’re not who I thought you were; you’re actually pretty lame. It kinda goes without saying that the more you got to know this guy, the more he showed his true colors — and they were not great. Your only regret now is that you didn’t realize how lame he was before you wasted so much time on him.

Do you even have balls? I mean, you wouldn’t think so from how cowardly he acted throughout your relationship. It’s a valid question!

Manscaping — try it. You’re not about judging anyone’s body hair or personal hygiene, but your ex always had a lot to say about yours. It makes you want to tell him just how gross he was sometimes too.

I pity the next girl. You can’t imagine he’s going to have some massive personality transplant and suddenly treat his next girlfriend like a queen. You’re guessing their relationship will just be a repeat of yours, which is pretty depressing. If only you could warn her!

Now I know what I don’t want — specifically, a loser. If there’s one good thing that came out of your disastrous relationship, it’s that you now have a great idea of what you won’t put up with in a relationship. You’ve developed incredibly high standards and you won’t be lowering them again anytime soon.

You need therapy. I mean, we all kind of do, but he definitely does. Of course, he would never admit that he could use the extra help. Shame, really.

Your mother must be so disappointed. Seriously, when you imagine raising your own children someday, you’re horrified thinking about them treating people the way your ex treated you. Does his mother have any idea the way he behaves with the women he supposedly cares about? If so, she must be really disappointed.

How do you sleep at night? Again, you couldn’t rest peacefully if you knew you’d lied, cheated, or generally been awful to someone you dated. However, he seemed to be just fine with it and didn’t see a problem with how he acted. What gives?

No one can make someone like you happy. Nothing was ever good enough for your ex and he made sure you knew it. He almost managed to convince you that you’re not enough. You are, of course, and you know it now.

You don’t deserve me and, tbh, I’m a little grossed out that I ever thought you did. That’s not you being conceited, it’s just true. You have so much to offer your partner but they need to give something back. He never did.

Grow up. I mean, how else can you say it? He’s an immature man-child who wouldn’t know what it’s like to be an adult if it smacked him in the face. And frankly, you kind of wish it would.

Bouncing up and down on top of me for a couple of minutes is not good sex. Your ex really thought he was some kind of god in the bedroom but boy, was he wrong. He never took the time to get to know your body or what you liked and after a while, you got too frustrated trying to teach him.

The fantasy girl you have in your head would never even want you. Seriously, why would she? What does he bring to the table?

Your mother is biased — you’re not special; you’re just a narcissist. She thinks the sun shines out of his butthole but she doesn’t know the half of what he’s actually like. If she did, she wouldn’t think her little special snowflake was so special after all.

Quit texting me — we are never, ever, ever getting baaaack together. Why won’t he take the hint?

And here’s a bonus one — it’s the only thing that you ever actually should text your ex:

Thanks to the lessons I’ve learned, including those I learned from our time together, I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I wish you the best. It’s as simple as that.

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