When you’re pushing yourself out of your comfort zone and going on dates with guys you normally wouldn’t consider for the sake of increasing your chances of finding love, you know that a good chunk of them are bound to be somewhat disastrous. Whether he’s suddenly revealed that he’s more than slightly racist, just confessed to a hardcore addiction to My Little Pony, or announced to the entire restaurant that he exclusively drinks milk and nothing else —here are some things that may flit through your head while you’re on a truly terrible date:
1. I should have done shots before I came here.
2. How many kids did he just say that he wanted?
3. Maybe my ex wasn’t so bad after all.
4. I wonder if anyone has ever tried to poison this guy.
5. If he continues to slurp that soup, I’m going to pour it on his head… or at least picture pouring it on his head.
6. Should I slip out the back door before or after dessert?
7. Does he actually think that’s funny?
8. If the waiter doesn’t bring the check in the next five minutes, I’m throwing down a twenty and getting the hell out of here.
9. I’m not nice enough to be nice to this person.
10. Do people really use the word “indubitably” or is this guy the most ridiculous person ever?
11. I now understand why you should always have a friend call you with a fake emergency on first dates.
12. I don’t really need love — not if this is what trying to find it looks like.
13. He doesn’t look like the kind of guy who would chase after me if I bolted, right?
14. How sick would I have to pretend to be in order to leave? A sore throat or full-on food poisoning?
15. What the hell is that dating site’s matching algorithm based on?
16. Yeah, if I “forgot” my wallet, I’d look a lot less smug and a lot more panicked.
17. My face is getting severe cramps from all my fake smiling and laughing. Make it end.
18. Do people still use the word housewife? Is that something guys are still allowed to say that they want?
19. Is this his date outfit? Does dinner in the city mean breaking out the pastel polo and shorts to him?
20. Does he think this is going well?
21. At least he has… good teeth.
22. I wonder if people fall asleep while talking to this guy a lot.
23. Do I really believe in karma? I don’t think so. So, I can totally just pretend to go to the bathroom, but sneak out instead.
24. Has this guy ever talked to a human being before?
25. Dear God, please make him stop talking about his car.
26. Dear God, please make him stop talking about his ex.
27. Dear God, are you even up there? He’s moved on to his talking about his collection of mint condition coins, and I think I may have entered into a coma.
28. I think he just told me what I’m allowed and not allowed to order. I think I may punch him.
29. Is there a polite way to ask if someone is a male prostitute?
30. Who asks for a side of garlic on a date? Who does that?
31. If I pass out from the smell of his cologne, I wonder if he’ll finally stop talking. Probably not.
32. What kind of monster hasn’t heard of Harry Potter?
33. He’s recently out of prison… yeah, I need to delete my profile and any trace of me on the Internet.
34. Oh good, yes, please keep telling me about just how screwed up you were on shrooms last night.
35. No, my name is not Becky, try again. Nope, also not Jennifer.
36. I’m 99% sure that is cocaine on his nose.
37. Did he just call the waitress “honey”?
38. This intense eye contact thing is very disturbing. I don’t think he’s blinking. Does he have eyelids?
39. No, I don’t want to touch your hair, and please don’t ask to touch mine again.
40. I want to write a very strongly-worded letter to your mother because someone should have taught you to at least excuse yourself when you burp.
41. Does your arrogance normally impress people?
42. So, when he said he was having a few friends over for drinks, he meant he was having an orgy party. Okay, bye.
