14 Ways You’re Killing A Guy’s Interest Without Even Realizing It

14 Ways You’re Killing A Guy’s Interest Without Even Realizing It ©iStock/Bymuratdeniz

Have you ever heard of “a two-week show”? It’s when a guy puts on a performance for about two weeks during the beginning stages of your relationship (or non-relationship) to impress you, only to completely lose interest once he thinks he’s got you. What changed? Chances are, you did something that turned him off and killed his desire.

1. You started pursuing him.

He’ll no longer pursue you if he feels you’re now pursuing him. If you start inviting him to things, initiating contact, and showing too much interest, why would he feel he needs to continue his pursuit? You need to let him come to you, not the other way around. It really is that simple.

2. You agreed to a night in too early.

He used to take you out to cool restaurants and bars, but now he’s stopped planning dates like that. Why did he stop taking you out? One Friday night, he probably asked you if you’d like to just come over to his place to have some wine and watch Netflix. You agreed, and the date night in was born. You see, once a guy thinks you’re cool with just chillin’ at his place, there’s a chance he might stop taking you out altogether, because inviting you over is so much easier for him. The cardinal rule is not to agree to go back to his place at all – for any reason – too early on. If you do, he’s likely to lose interest.

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4. You slept with him too soon.

Sorry, but it’s true. Men often will look at you differently if you sleep with them too soon. They’d prefer to place a higher value on your affection, which only happens if you make them earn it. Chances are, it was simply lust rather than love. “The initial excitement and energy that their partner brought no longer exists. It can be common for people to put their best foot forward upfront, only to fall back to their natural self as the relationship progresses,” relationship coach and Maze of Love founder Chris Armstrong tells Bustle.

5. You nag him all the time.

If you’ve started acting like you’re his mother or even his wife when you’re only in the initial stages of dating, you’re going to kill his interest pretty quickly. Guys don’t want to feel like they’re beholden to someone they’ve only just met, nor do they want to be hassled to do things they don’t want to do all the time. When you nag a guy, you make him feel smothered and claustrophobic, and he’ll likely peace out before things go much further.

6. You showed all your cards.

Maintain an air of mystery for as long as you possibly can. He shouldn’t always know where you are, what you’re doing, or know everything you’re feeling when you feel it. Not yet, anyway. If he thinks you’re mysterious and wants to get to know you and find out what you like, he’ll try harder to get to know you on a deeper level. Mysterious women are incredibly sexy – even if it’s just an illusion.

7. You’re overly attentive to his needs.

Maybe you’re too available, too flexible, or revolve your life around his schedule. Maybe you politely offer to meet him at the restaurant rather than asking him to pick you up. Maybe you’re even bringing him gifts. All of these actions prove that he need not put forth too much effort. You’ve made it clear you’re his, and that you’re not going anywhere. You’re allowing him to be lazy, and trying so hard so that he doesn’t have to try at all.

8. You don’t have high enough standards.

You should have high standards for how you deserve to be treated. For example, if he blows off plans with you, you can’t be too nice about it. If you’re too nice, he’ll walk all over you instead of trying to be better for you. If he thinks he can get away with treating you badly, he’ll keep pushing boundaries to see what he can get away with.

9. You’re complacent.

Instead of asking for the things you deserve (like a dinner out instead of takeout at home for once), you settle for what you’re given. Whether it’s because you’re worried you’re going to scare him away or you don’t want to come across as high-maintenance, you have for some reason decided not to communicate what you want to your man. If a man likes you, he won’t think you’re high maintenance. Instead, he’ll respect you for standing up for what you deserve, as it shows you have self-respect. If that scares him away, good riddance! He’s just boy, not a man.

10. You never give him a time-out.

If a guy you’re dating is acting like an immature boy instead of a respectful man, give him a time out! Treat him like a child if he’s acting like one. The best way to teach him a lesson is to avoid him for a few days, making it clear that you’ve got one foot out the door. Then he’ll realize that he needs to up his game or you’re out.

11. You dumb yourself down.

For some reason, many women feel like downplaying their intelligence is a great way to hook a guy, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. In reality, acting stupid, ditzy, or helpless will make him feel like he’s going to have to babysit you in your relationship rather than having an equal partner. Any guy who’s worth your time will want a partner who’s confident, strong, and smart.

12. You’re way too arrogant.

Confidence is a good thing, but there’s a fine line between knowing you’re a catch and having your head so far up your own butt that you can’t see the light of day, so to speak. As dating expert Matthew Hussey explains, arrogance will kill a guy’s interest in a hot second. “There’s a big difference between knowing you are great, and trying to crowbar in a hundred ways to remind others in every lull in conversation just how #Blessed and #Incredible your #TotesAmaze-Balls life happens to be,” he explains. “Even if it’s true that you are fortunate enough to be #Winning on an hourly basis, you reminding guys (and girls) of this constantly will only make you seem either desperately insecure or like someone who is playing a childish power game, attempting to assert her superiority at every opportunity.”

13. You’re a total drama queen.

This isn’t high school, so if you have a bad attitude and walk around like a real-life Regina George, don’t be surprised when guys want nothing to do with you once they witness your behavior first-hand. No one wants to be with a mean girl who gossips and causes drama. They also don’t want to be with someone who’s going to constantly start fights with them or make mountains out of molehills when it comes to relationship issues.

14. You try to make him jealous.

You want to send the message that you’re a hot commodity, so you go out of your way to make him jealous by flirting with other guys, mentioning how much interest you get from other men, and basically doing your best to make him feel insecure about his place in your life. Instead of doubling-down on his efforts to win you over, he’s likely to just check out instead.

15. You’ve changed.

If he met a certain version of you and that person no longer exists (or is markedly different than the one he was initially attracted to), it makes sense why he’s lost interest. That’s not necessarily your fault — you’re allowed to grow and evolve  — but you also can’t make him roll with every punch if you make major changes in your life.

How to get his attention back once you’ve lost it

While there’s no guarantee that you can turn back time and make him want you again, if you want another chance, try doing these things.

1. Focus on yourself for a while.

As dating expert Daniella Bloom tells INSIDER, it’s all about putting out the same type of energy you hope to attract. “The basic principle we understand from Law of Attraction is ‘like attracts like.’ Our partners mirror what we feel about ourselves on a regular basis,” she explains. “When you start to show up differently for yourself, either your partner will stop and take favorable notice, or, someone else who is far better suited for you, will instead.” In other words, make it less about him and more about you.

2. Remind him of what he liked about you in the first place.

There’s a reason he pursued you to begin with, but he’s probably lost sight of that. It’s your job to refresh his memory. Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola, relationship experts and authors of How to Keep your Marriage from Sucking, suggest practicing “attractive actions” to get things going again. “Create an environment to be alone together to reconnect doing something you used to do when you were a new couple, even if it’s just watching a movie, going to bed early, and sleeping until you’re actually rested,” they say.

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4. Resist the urge to get angry or accusatory.

It’s easy to get upset when you think he’s lost interest, but don’t make a scene about it. Instead, continue to treat him with kindness and consideration. “Research has shown that taking more loving actions actually makes you feel more in love. In any interaction with your partner, whether it’s personal or practical, try to be kind in how you express yourself,” advises neuropsychologist and life coach Sydney Ceruto, Ph.D. “This softens your partner, even in heated moments. Continuing to be loving and generous has a huge payoff as it not only keeps love alive, it fosters a deeper level of intimacy.”

5. Have some fun together.

When things get off track in a relationship, thing tends to get unnecessarily heavy and serious. This could be part of the problem! As relationship expert Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW, suggests, getting out and doing something fun and exciting together could breathe new life into your relationship and his interest in you. “Studies show that adrenaline increases attraction,” she points out. Hit up an amusement park, a haunted house, or anything that gets your blood pumping. You might just be surprised at the positive effect it has.

6. Avoid physical intimacy for a while.

You might think the best way to restore a guy’s interest in you is in the bedroom, but that’s not true at all. You’re trying to foster a long-term connection, and sex is surface-level at best. “For some couples, removing the pressure of intimacy can help rekindle romance and connection,” says therapist and sex expert Dr. Juliana Morris. “Kiss and hold hands and go to second base, but that’s it. Not going all the way can help relax the situation, as well as allow vulnerability and create a build-up of sexual tension.” If and when things are back on track, connecting in this way will be even better.”


Erica Majored in Psychology at UBC and now works in the glorious dating industry. See more of her articles on her awesome advice column TheBabeReport.com. Oh, and she's obsessed with Hawaii. Want proof? Follow her on Instagram @ericaleighgordon