Love is not synonymous with constant happiness, but neither is an unhealthy attachment to someone. Label your infatuation “puppy love,” swear you’re “head over heels,” and ignore the rose-colored glasses, but an obsession isn’t love. Typically, an unhealthy attachment to your romantic partner doesn’t end well for both parties, so check yourself if you’re doing any of these things.
1. Constantly checking their location
You say it’s because you care about their safety. You just want to know when they leave work so you can prep dinner. You just miss them… Or you’re constantly checking their location because you’re unhealthily attached. You’re easily jealous. Your worth is solely wrapped up in your relationship with them. Love is not this obsessive, distrusting, or controlling.
2. Needing them present to attend any function
You can’t attend work parties without them. You won’t sign up for that fitness class if they don’t. You wouldn’t dare sit solo in a coffee shop with your laptop. If you need them present to practically function, you’re not in love. You’re unhealthily attached to someone. Meanwhile, you’re dodging alone time with yourself, which can be a sign of ignoring personal troubles or trauma.
3. Spending every dime on them
Every bit of your hard-earned cash spots their new gym shorts, espresso shots, and DoorDash. Yet, student debt defaults, bills pile high, and you have no savings when you have an emergency. Love can’t be wadded up and stuffed in a wallet, nor can it be as transactional as Venmo. If you’ve lost control of your finances, pouring all your money into this person, beware! You might need a new tire or an emergency X-ray sooner than you think.
4. Defending their bad behavior
“He just had a bad day at work…” “Well, her childhood was rough. That’s why she reacts that way…” If you don’t feel you can call them out, excusing all their “bad” days (that are weeks, that are months, that are all the time), you’re not in love. You’re just so attached to them that you’re scared they would grow angry at your call-out and leave.
5. Condoning Abuse
Call it “endearing patience,” “empathy,” or “love,” but condoning abuse isn’t love. It’s not loving your partner, and it’s not respecting yourself. No abuse should be tolerated under the guise of love. Love deserves a better, richer definition.
6. Redefining Their Worst Traits
When you have an unhealthy attachment to someone, it’s easy to make excuses for their bad behavior. But eventually, defending their behavior turns into completely redefining their worst traits. You call their laziness a “slump,” and their short temper is always “a really bad day.” No matter what, their poor character is never their fault. But remember that true love challenges your partner to be their best.
7. Hanging on Their Every Word
You go along with whatever they say, whether it makes sense or not. You even twist and turn their lies into a white-washed truth if it shields you from arguing. But this isn’t how a healthy, loving relationship operates. Love values truth and elevates accountability.
8. Neglecting Work to Spend Time with Them
Work isn’t everything, but there is something to be said for being studious and maintaining professionalism. If you’re unhealthily attached to someone, you negate other important responsibilities, and this can seriously impact your career. (Note: someone who truly loves you won’t ask you to divorce yourself from your responsibilities for them.)
9. Sacrificing Your Happiness
If you are unhealthily attached to someone, you surrender every ounce of personal contentment to please them. Often, they recognize this but don’t address it since this allows them to get their way. Realize that this means you aren’t in love, nor are you being loved. Instead, you’re being manipulated.
10. Changing the Way You Look
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When you settle for being discontent to please your partner, you try to “fix” yourself. The most obvious way to “fix” yourself is to change how you look. This could create an unhealthy relationship with the gym and/or food. Yes, it’s important to take care of yourself, eat healthy, and exercise, but don’t abuse your body for someone else’s benefit.
11. Always Texting/Calling Them
This might seem cute, like you just can’t stand to not hear their voice. However, this is often a sign that you worry they’re not happy with you. They aren’t calling you, caring about where you are or what you’re doing. This is an obsessive way to force yourself to believe they want to constantly communicate with you.
12. Abandoning Your Values
When you’re unhealthily attached to someone, you give up your values to please them. This could mean compromising physical boundaries, giving up a volunteer opportunity that’s always been important to you, abandoning your faith, etc. Loving someone should challenge who you are in a way that produces a more loving you. Loving someone shouldn’t compromise your deep morals.
13. Cancelling Plans with Friends
When you lose sight of who you are to stay attached to someone, it’s easy to cancel plans with friends. After all, are they truly your friends now that you’re a different person? Don’t become so infatuated with one person that you lose the friendships you once held dear.
14. Severing Ties with Family
If your mom notices his prideful demeanor or your brother knows she’s using you, they’ll say something to protect you because they truly love you. If you’re too attached to someone, not loving or respecting yourself, it’s easy to become so defensive of your partner that you sever ties with family who deeply love you.
15. Losing Yourself
When you’re so obsessed with someone else that you forget who you are, you can easily lose yourself. Beware of sacrificing your appearance, your relationships, and your values to someone for the sake of not being single. You need a healthy, loving relationship with yourself before you can healthily love someone else.
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