There are lots of women out there who are okay with being single, but I’m not one of them. I really want nothing more than to find true love, but this is why my fear of falling for someone keeps me from getting into a worthwhile relationship:
I don’t enjoy being single, but relationships aren’t that great either. When I come home to my empty apartment every day and my mom is still number 1 on my “to call” list when something either good or bad happens, I feel as though something is missing. It doesn’t matter how fulfilled my life is otherwise, because without that romantic love, it seems like I’ll never truly have everything. At the same time, though, during my last relationship, all I wanted was to come home to an empty apartment. Instead, I came home to my then-boyfriend every day, and now I’m scared of feeling that same resentment with someone new.
My heart has been shattered by more than one man. I’ve felt real love before. But I’ve also felt the agony of my heart being torn into a thousand pieces. Giving someone the power to do that to me all over again is terrifying, to say the least. I’m not sure I can handle it.
Being unhappy and single seems like the easier road to take. Falling in love comes with serious risks, and although I want nothing more than to have that with someone who truly loves me back, I’m just not sure it’s worth taking that chance. It’s a lot simpler being lonely when you’re alone than risking it all knowing that it’s possible for things to become a whole lot worse.
Nothing lasts forever. Everything — even life itself — is fleeting. Nothing in this world is permanent, and it scares me to death to know that people I once cherished are now strangers. This can happen to any relationship, even the ones in which everything seems like it’s going perfectly, and allowing someone into my life feels almost impossible when I keep in mind that even the most powerful love is only temporary.
I don’t like feeling vulnerable. I wear a brave face when it comes to catching feelings, because I don’t ever want someone to feel as though he has the upper hand. When there are so many people out there just looking out for number one, I refuse to allow myself to be vulnerable enough with the wrong person only to get hurt again. If I’m never vulnerable, I’ll never fall in love, but I have to protect myself.
I’m comfortable. I may be lonely more often than not, but I’m comfortable with how I’m living my life right now. If I were to allow myself to fall in love, then a lot of things would need to change for that relationship to be successful. I’m not sure I’m willing to give up certain habits to find love, but I’m afraid if I don’t, I’ll never be truly happy.
If I find love, then there’s a chance I’ll lose it. At this point in my life I don’t have too much to lose in the relationship department. I know the family and friends I have will have my back to the end, but it’s not the same when it comes to romantic relationships. I prefer to be surrounded by people I can depend on rather than getting involved with someone who can leave when he decides he’s sick of me.
New love means facing old insecurities. Issues that have been left over from past relationship struggles only get stirred up when the opportunity to love again comes knocking. It isn’t something I openly talk about, but it does happen. I’m perfectly fine with keeping those feelings buried, and it’s impractical to expect that I’ll just be over those issues when the same feelings that they stemmed from come boiling up again.
If I let someone in, he might not like what he sees. It’s easy to keep people at an arm’s length when I’m single, but if I end up in a relationship with someone I truly care about. I’m going to have to eventually let him get to know the real me. And my biggest fear when it comes to this is that tiny voice in the back of my head telling me he might not actually like who I am deep down.
Every time someone seems worth it, I’m proven wrong. The very few times someone’s given me a reason to face my fear of falling, it gets thrown in my face soon after I let myself open up. It just makes me think there’s no point in even trying anymore.
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