My Boyfriend Was Only Affectionate With Me When He Wanted Sex And It Seriously Sucked

When I’m in a relationship with someone, I like to be hands-on. Physical affection is really important to me, whether it’s hand-holding, cuddling, or even just sharing a hug. However, my last boyfriend really wasn’t into it. In fact, the only time he ever wanted to give me any physical closeness was when he thought it would lead to sex. Needless to say, we’re not together anymore.

  1. He was flirty from day one. When we started dating, this guy was always dishing me with juicy compliments and touching me over romantic dinners. He was never sleazy about it, though. He had undeniable charm and magnetism, and I was flattered by all the attention he was giving me.
  2. There was huge chemistry between us. No doubt about it, we wanted to rip each other’s clothes off from the first date. It was much more than a result of good looks. The guy had a certain X-factor that drove me nuts. Still, I held back because I wanted to build anticipation and get to know him a bit better. He seemed to be happy with a slightly slower pace in our relationship so I thought we were on the same page.
  3. Once we had sex, everything changed. Suddenly, he felt like he could be even more sexual and flirtatious with me because we’d moved past that important relationship milestone of sleeping together. Um, that’s great, but I wanted more than that. I’m after emotional intimacy. That’s my sweet spot. I want to feel like we’re really connecting on a deeper level. Anyone can have sex and bond, but I want something much more meaningful that lasts a long time and doesn’t rely on physical attraction to keep going.
  4. He wasn’t tuned in. He only wanted to have sex, period. He didn’t really give a damn about having deep conversations, and whenever we were chilling together on the sofa or I reached in to kiss him, he’d want to move things to the bedroom. It got really annoying, especially when I wanted to talk to him about serious topics and it felt like he wasn’t even listening to me!
  5. He stopped being affectionate outside of the bedroom. I started to realize a pattern with this guy. He was only loving and complimentary and full of affection when he expected that we were going to have sex. When the sex was over, he was keen to do other things, like catch up on Friends repeats or go out to eat dinner.
  6. I felt rejected. This was especially the case when I tried to hold his hand or hug him and he didn’t really reciprocate. When it came to sex, though, he knew how to throw on the affection. Suddenly, he was mad about me. It didn’t impress me, though. There was a huge difference in his bedroom behavior versus how he was in the rest of our relationship.
  7. It put me off having sex with him. Yes, the sex was very enjoyable and we always left the bedroom feeling satisfied, but I was starting to feel like our entire relationship existed there. It was the only place in which I was getting the emotional closeness I wanted.
  8. Sex doesn’t start in the bedroom. It starts in the mind! I’m the type of person who wants to have emotional closeness and a mental connection way before we have sex. This line of thinking is carried through into a long-term relationship. I can’t just snap into sexy mode or not speak to my boyfriend in a loving way all day then suddenly jump him. That’s BS. My ex just didn’t get the idea of building up to a stronger bond in the bedroom based on what we did outside of it.
  9. When we didn’t have sex, we had nothing. The revelations just kept on coming with this guy! I was put off having sex, which meant that we never had affection and closeness. It was sad. It also started to make me wonder if all the times he’d been loving, like during the earlier stages of our relationship, he’d only been doing that so that we’d have sex. If so, what a low blow.
  10. We were sexually compatible but it ended there. I was starting to see that although we created fireworks in the bedroom, this guy and I were not on the same page at all. We really didn’t have the same love language or communication needs. Sometimes, I noticed that we hardly even had things to talk to each other about.
  11. We’d only been dating for six months. I shuddered to think what would happen after two or 20 years together if we were already running out of steam. We were a glorified fling that hadn’t been meant to last, we just didn’t realize it.
  12. He suggested a friends with benefits situation. Just to further prove my point, when I ended things with him because we were clearly not compatible, he suggested that we become friends with benefits. He said the sex had been great and he didn’t want to miss out on it. Ugh! He’d obviously been enjoying us as nothing more than FWBs all along, but damn it, I wanted more. Much more. He just couldn’t give it to me.
Giulia Simolo is a writer from Johannesburg, South Africa with a degree in English Language and Literature. She has been working as a journalist for more than a decade, writing for sites including AskMen, Native Interiors, and Live Eco. You can find out more about her on Facebook and LinkedIn, or follow her on Twitter @GiuliaSimolo.