Call Me When You’re Sober — I Don’t Want To Hang Out When You’re Drunk

There’s nothing wrong with having a beer, cocktail or a glass of wine in a social setting. I’m not particularly conservative and I have no problem with people drinking, but I refuse to hang out with guys when they’re drunk. Call me weird, controlling, whatever. If I’m interested in you, I’d prefer to not be around when the guy I’m dating is getting wasted — here’s why:

I’m not a huge drinker.

I don’t know why, but drinking has never been my thing — maybe when I was in college and jungle juice was the new water, but once I became age appropriate, drinking lost it’s appeal. Now, I would so much rather have a chill night in than watch a guy balance on top of a keg.

You’re probably with your rowdy ass friends.

Odds are, you’re not sitting alone on his couch getting drunk by yourself. You very well could be (and that would be worrisome too), but I put my money on you drinking with a bunch of your friends, and that’s something I can’t hang with. Regardless of whether it’s a house party or a bar, I just can’t muster up the energy or excitement to chill with that kind of crowd anymore.

I don’t want to see that side of you yet.

If I like you, I don’t want the relationship to be shattered because you kept calling everyone “brother” or “dude” or any other douche term for guy friend. Hanging out with a drunk guy is like seeing him at his worst and sloppiest. Call me crazy, but I’d like to avoid that if at all possible.

It might give you too much liquid courage.

Or at least, YOU might think it’s courage. It’s really just you feeling cockier than usual and being louder than usual. I don’t want to hear how beautiful I am or how lucky you feel to have me in your life — unless you’re saying that completely sober, I’d rather not hear it at all. It’s embarrassing… for both of us.

I’m pretty mellow and it’s just not my scene.

Guys get loud when they drink. I don’t want to hear all that noise. I’m still recovering from my years in college, listening to ’90s punk rock and watching people play beer pong as if it was an Olympic sport (it’s not, right?). I’ve mellowed out since then and I want to spend time with a guy who isn’t going HARD on the bottle.

You might get handsy.

How many times have I hung out with a drunk guy who got a little too comfortable? Way too many. I don’t want to get into a situation that will make the relationship awkward going forward. You might make a move in front of your friends that I reject (because it’s inappropriate) and boom — the relationship’s over before it even really started.

Emotions could be strong.

Some people get emotional AF when they drink. They moan and groan about an ex or a friend from 7th grade who hurt their feelings — I don’t want to be around that. I’m not the most emotional person. The last thing I need to see is a grown man drunk crying because you don’t feel like you’re “living his life to the fullest.” Let’s just keep things on an even keel, shall we?

I refuse to be the designated driver. 

No. I’m not going to drive you home and I’m sure as hell not going to drive your friends home. I know it can be hard to spot an Uber driver, but trust me when I say that I’m not one. Being the only sober one in a group full of drunk people automatically makes you the DD, and I’m not taking on that responsibility for ANYONE.

I want anything you tell me to be something you intended to tell me.

I don’t want the whole truth yet, especially if we’ve just starting “talking.” I don’t need to know your emotional backstory or how you really feel about your best friend dating your ex. They say drunk words are sober thoughts — yeah, I don’t want you telling me anything you don’t mean to share.

You probably won’t remember the conversation.

No matter what you say, you probably won’t remember it the next day. What if you confess your love for me or ask me to marry you? Maybe I’m being dramatic, but still — you wouldn’t remember it after a night shooting back Fireball. You wouldn’t remember stuff and that would seriously piss me off!

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