Chasing Someone Who Doesn’t Want You Is Ruining Your Game — Stop!

One-sided relationships are soul-destroying. Think about it—you’re willingly giving your time and effort to a guy who’s simply not interested. The weird part is that too many people who stay in this situation, hoping the person of their dreams will one day return their feelings. Well, I hate to break it to you, but waiting around may actually do you more harm than good. Here’s why chasing someone who doesn’t want you is a big mistake.

  1. You’re leaving a swinging door open for them to walk in and out of your life. Being in love can leave you extremely vulnerable. You’re opening up your heart to another person, making yourself susceptible to heartbreak. Because you love them so much, all of your rules and boundaries don’t apply, which then allows them to walk in and out of your life as they please. They know you’ll always be there to forgive them and take them back in the end.
  2. You’re investing in a romanticized relationship rather than an actual romantic relationship. Sure, it’s fun and exciting to imagine you and your person going on one of many romantic playful dates, cuddling in bed until noon, or passionately professing your love to each other while making up after your first real fight.  All of that sounds amazing and all, but there’s just one thing that’s missing: your partner. Face it, in this “relationship”, you’re the only one investing your time, emotions, and energy. The last time I checked, that’s not exactly a relationship.
  3. Because you’re focused on getting their attention, you may be missing out on a chance with someone else who actually cares about you. When you’re in love, tunnel vision is too real. Oftentimes, people think that the more you focus on winning someone’s affection, the more you’re proving that you’re a serious and dedicated partner. However, if the feelings aren’t mutual, your efforts may be putting you at a disservice since you’re ignoring the possible signs and signals that someone else is giving you. You could be losing out on a great relationship that’s been right in front you the whole time.
  4. You overthink every interaction, thinking that it’s a sign. Taking your coffee order, holding doors open for you, asking about how your sick dog is doing—all of these things are very chivalrous and kind gestures. They’re NOT signs that they’re into you. Don’t mistake being kind for being flirty. It’s a common and dangerous assumption that usually doesn’t end well.
  5. You start to wonder if there’s something wrong with you. It’s not you, it’s them. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. However, your mind likes to think otherwise when it’s not getting what it wants. As a result, it seems as if the only way to increase your chances with them is to become the person they want to be with. At that point, you should know that something is definitely wrong. 
  6. Your feelings are so intense that you start to lose yourself. Unrequited love is more than just a crush. If it were a crush, you wouldn’t be lingering around this person for so long. When you’re in love and invested in someone, you genuinely care about them so much that you put your needs on the back burner. It doesn’t matter if you have to work early in the morning. If they need your help at 2 a.m., you’ll be there. They become the most important thing in the world, even if they don’t think of you in the same way.
  7. You’re ruining your existing relationship with them because you’re forcing it to be something more. Whether they’re an acquaintance, co-worker, or best friend, by trying to force yourself across the romantic line, you’re risking the relationship that you already have with them. By consistently wanting more out of the relationship, you’re actually getting less out of it. If you’re constantly trying to get closer to them, you actually start pushing them away.
  8. You’ll always be waiting for a moment that will never come. They could be engaged, moving across the country, speak a different language, it doesn’t matter. If you’re chasing an unrequited love, you’ll always hang onto the hope that the universe will bring you two together in the end. No amount of rationality and truth could erase your feelings for them. As a result, you’re left waiting for the perfect moment that will never come.
  9. This relationship will start to affect all the others in your life. Have you ever experienced being ditched by a friend who gets into a new relationship? Well, the same rule applies even when your relationship is one-sided. When the person of your dreams becomes all you ever think and talk about, you’re not being present with the people you’re actually with. You’re not engaging in conversations, you throw their name out every other sentence, and you look around the room to see if they’ll magically appear. When they don’t show up, your mood worsens and you decide to stalk them on social media to see what they’re doing. By doing this, you’re risking and distancing yourself from the awesome relationships you already have at the expense of a one-sided relationship that won’t ever happen. Chasing someone who doesn’t want you isn’t worth your time. You deserve better.
Katrina Torrijos is a lifestyle blogger and YouTuber from San Jose, Ca. She is passionate about helping young professionals find their footing in the real world through advice, conversation, motivation, and affirmation. Read more of her work at