Marriage is rarely a union of just two people; it’s the joining together of their families, as well. This means that whether you’re a part of the couple or related to the couple, you’ll be learning how to interact and nurture good relationships with a new family. However, the relationship may not be a smooth ride and you may find yourself having conflicts with your parent-in-law, sibling-in-law, or child-in-law as the case may be. Here are some common mistakes that may be fueling these clashes and stressing out your in-laws.
1. You take over everything.
People love to feel included, needed, and appreciated; in-laws are no different. All holidays do not need to be hosted at your house. You don’t have to prepare all the meals or insist on grilling because your meats taste better. Doing so will only make you appear controlling and competitive. Let your parents-in-law win or take the spotlight sometimes, while you take a seat back.
2. You act rude or unfriendly.
Raising your voice when your in-law makes an innocent mistake, or acting emotionally cold and keeping them at a distance, only creates tension. You don’t have to be best of friends or even like each other, but you should still work on establishing a cordial relationship. Stop always making excuses to avoid being around them. If they invite you to have lunch or play golf, indulge them. It won’t kill you.
3. You make issues out of little things.
Your in-law makes a joke about your line of work, and you immediately flare up and launch into an attack. They make a comment about your child’s behavior or decline a serving of something you made and you take offense and start acting emotional. Being too sensitive and pulling melodramatic stunts can get old and annoying really fast. You want to avoid being a person your in-laws have to walk on eggshells around.
4. You disregard their perspective.
It’s either your way or hell to pay every time. You don’t care for your in-law’s views on any issue including those that concern them. You don’t even let them get a word in or complete a thought before dismissing it and presenting yours as the solution or superior argument. Remember that good relationships are built on mutual respect and that means leaving room for others to share their opinions and acknowledging their perspective even if you may not necessarily agree with or follow it.
5. You’re not mindful of differences.
You don’t have to share the same cultural, social, or familial backgrounds as your in-laws, but you do need to be respectful of the differences. If you’re denigrating their family dynamic, making fun of their culture, or refusing to participate in harmless traditions and rituals, it can be a source of frustration and stress for your in-laws.
6. You give advice they didn’t ask for.
When you constantly offer unsolicited advice, your in-law might interpret that to mean that you don’t trust their judgment. Or you think you know better and are trying to impose your ways on them. Your advice might be coming from the right place and a genuine desire to help, but it’s still wise to keep it to yourself. If you’re too tempted to share it, ask if they’d like to hear your thoughts on the issue first.
7. You disrespect their privacy.
Just because it’s your child’s house too doesn’t give you a right to keep dropping by unannounced. Your child may not have minded when they were single, but now that they’re married, you need to take your son/daughter-in-law’s feelings and privacy into account. Call or send a message before visiting. If you’re in their space, mind your business. Stop snooping in on conversations, opening their mail, or asking intrusive questions.
8. You judge them or their family.
You don’t approve of your child’s spouse and you make it known at every turn. Nothing they do is ever good enough. You treat their family like they’re inferior or an annoyance. You have a lot to say about how they look, what they do, and how they’re raising your grandkid, and most of it is negative. You complain to your child about them instead of addressing your issues with them directly. These actions will undoubtedly stir up feelings of anger and resentment in your in-laws.
9. You want your child’s spouse to call you mom or dad.
It’s a wonderful thing that you consider your son or daughter-in-law a child, but asking them to address you as their mom or dad could be a step too far and doesn’t always go over well. They can see you as a parental figure without needing to refer to you with those titles. They already have a mom and dad so the demand can be seen as weird or crossing a boundary.
10. You treat your child’s partner like a child.
Your kid doesn’t stop being your kid because they grew up and got married. Still, it’s important to let them have their independence and do things their way. Your child’s partner probably won’t find it endearing to see you constantly butting into their spouse’s life and speaking over or down on them. They don’t want you telling their spouse how to act, where to live, how to raise the kids, or what to do with their money.
11. You have a habit of criticizing your child’s kids.
If you’re the grandparent and every other comment you make to your grandkids is about how they’re too playful, weak, mean, full of themselves, have bad posture, and are lacking in confidence, you’re making a mistake. Constantly criticizing their children is going to stress out your in-laws. They’ll see your admonishments as a comment on their parenting abilities and as an attempt to hurt their child. Sooner or later, they’re going to push back and you may not like how they do it.
12. You’re too clingy.
When your child is on vacation or spending the holidays with their partner’s family, you’ll try to monopolize their attention with non-emergencies. So they leave what they’re doing to focus on you. You text and call them multiple times a day, even at odd hours. You throw a tantrum or use guilt-trops to make them spend more time with you. You always need their help with little things and want to be included in every occasion no matter how private or personal. If you’re guilty of this you need to cut it out and work on building a healthy attachment with your child.
13. You stir up conflict.
You don’t like your daughter-in-law or son-in-law and instead of accepting that they’re whom your child chose, you look for opportunities to drive a wedge between them. You say negative things about them and cast them as malicious villains when they do perfectly innocent things, all to get your child to take your side and turn against them. If your in-law sees you as a thorn in their child’s side, it’s going to put a strain on your relationship.
14. You’re too set in your ways.
You love to break out “This is how we’ve always done it” and “In my day” whenever discussions arise, forgetting that you and your in-law are not the same. You have to learn not to be too rigid and work on reaching compromises that make everyone happy if you want to avoid adding unnecessary tension to your relationship with your in-law.
15. You interfere in their relationship.
If you want to stay in your in-law’s good graces and stop stressing them out, try to stay within your lane. This means not demanding or expecting to be consulted before your child and their spouse make any important decisions. It means not taking sides and making it your business to fix the problem whenever the couple argues. It means not being too quick to offer advice and remembering that being related and serving as a support system doesn’t automatically make you a third party to the relationship.
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