What is weaponized incompetence?
While this term was originally used to describe a partner in a romantic relationship who refuses to pull their weight, weaponized in competence can happen in all types of relationships, from friends and family to roommates and colleagues. Simply put, it refers to when one person pretends they’re so terrible at performing tasks effectively that you end up frustrated or in a rush and just take over and do it yourself. As a result, you end up doing all the work in the relationship because they’re pretending to be incapable of it.
Weaponized incompetence is also known by the term “performed mediocrity,” but they both mean the same thing: the other person isn’t pulling their weight. Here’s how you know this is happening to you.
1. The person claims that you’re “so much better” at a very basic task.
Whether it’s cooking dinner or folding the laundry, a partner who uses weaponized incompetence is likely to claim that they’d prefer if you performed the task since you’re “so much better” at it. A colleague who does it may claim that they don’t know how to write up a report or log a job as well as you. They may even use this excuse even when discussing a task in which it’s impossible to be “better” or “worse” at performing it. They’re hoping that by handing you this so-called compliment, you’ll let them off the hook.
2. They only do part of a job or continually “forget” to complete it.
If you ask them to set the table, they might regularly “forget” to put the silverware out or get drinks. If it’s their turn to do the dishes and clean up the kitchen, they might “accidentally” leave the counters dirty and uncleaned as they “didn’t realize” it was part of the job. Maybe you ask if they can email you a list of outstanding tasks by the end of the work day but they “had no idea” that you meant today.
3. They put off doing chores because they know you’ll do them eventually.
You’ve asked your partner to please take the trash out, but they keep saying they’ll do it “later.” Of course, later never actually comes. They have no sense of urgency and don’t feel bad about ignoring their responsibilities. They know you’ll pick up their considerable slack, so they can keep doing what they’re doing.
4. They purposely do something badly so that you never ask them to do it again.
It’s easy enough to heat up some leftovers for dinner when you get home from work. However, a partner who’s guilty of weaponized incompetence will somehow manage to scorch the pan or break several dishes while performing a very basic task. It’s not hard for your colleague to take their turn grabbing milk and coffee for the office break room this week, but they’ll buy the wrong thing or claim they “didn’t have time” to stop at the store before they came in. They’re hoping that by doing such a terrible job, you’ll never be tempted to ask them to do it again.
5. They often insist they “don’t know how” to do something but refuse to learn.
This isn’t just an example of weaponized incompetence, it’s also a form of gaslighting. Even if they really don’t know how to do something, it’s easy enough to learn. Their unwillingness to try is the real problem.
6. They never seem to get better at a task no matter how much support they have.
You’ve done endless tutorials for them, given them hands-on instruction, made sure they have the resources and support they have… and they’re just as bad at the task at hand as they ever were. It seems like no matter how much they should have learned, they simply never do — and that’s because they don’t want to.
7. They turn down chances to learn.
It’s impossible to know everything, so maybe the other person legitimately doesn’t know how to use the copier in the office or how to iron their work shirts. However, someone who’s guilty of weaponized incompetence will turn down every single offer to show them so that they can learn. They’re not interested because they just want you to do it for them.
8. They keep your expectations low from the beginning.
Someone who uses weaponized incompetence will make sure you know right away that they’re going to do a bad job. If they can’t wriggle their way out of a job, they’ll make comments about how much they’re going to struggle to do it and how you shouldn’t get your hopes up for it to be done correctly. They’re hoping you’ll take the task off their hands because you want it done right. Sadly, this often works!
9. They blame everyone else for their mistakes.
They left crud all over the dishes before they popped them in the dishwasher or accidentally deleted the file holding the report you were working on, but instead of accepting that they messed up, it’s everyone else’s fault. They were never taught that you had to rinse the plates first and no one ever showed them how to save documents correctly. It’s not their problem — you should have just done it yourself, in their eyes.
10. They make the same mistakes over and over again.
It’s fine to mess up sometimes — we’re all only human. However, if you help someone after they make a mistake by showing them where they went wrong and how to do it correctly but they continue to go wrong in the exact same ways, it’s clear they’re not really interested in doing a better job.
11. They always need help.
It’s fine to ask for help when you need it, but if your partner, colleague, or friend can’t seem to do anything on their own without heavy assistance from someone else (or several other people), they’re probably utilizing weaponized incompetence. The idea is that those who actually get the job done will become so frustrated with their lack of progress that they’ll let them off the hook.
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