Dating Is Awesome — As Long As You’re Drunk

Dating Is Awesome — As Long As You’re Drunk ©iStock/puhhha

First dates can be stressful. That’s why we often go out for drinks the first time we meet someone – nothing makes a bad date more tolerable than a good buzz. Next time you plan to meet up with a new Tinder match, or go on a blind date with your cousin’s boyfriend’s brother’s friend, grab a flask to stash in your purse to ensure a fun time for yourself. Here are 8 occasions you’ll probably need to be a little tipsy:

  1. He takes you to meet his family. Sober you would see this as an immediate red flag because (1) this isn’t prom night, so why does he think it’s OK for his mom to take a picture of the two of you prior to your date? and (2) if you meet his family on the first date, does that mean he’s going to try to propose by the fifth date? Instead of freaking out, take a couple shots and have a bar-bathroom-style heart to heart with his mom — telling her all of your dirty secrets will be a good way for you to vent (basically a free therapy session), and a great way to be sure you never have to see him or his family again.
  2. He’s completely different from his Tinder profile. We all know that online dating is risky, because you never know what you’re going to get. Most guys tend to not have many pictures of themselves, so if you don’t see a clear picture of his face, it’s hard telling what kind of creature is going to show up on your doorstep. But don’t worry — alcohol can make any 2 into at least a solid 6, so drink up and it’ll make his imperfections less obvious behind your beer goggles.
  3. He’s boring af. It’s such a shame that some people have the personality of a napkin. It’s worse when they don’t even put in an effort to seem interesting by making crap up about themselves on a first date. If you go out with someone like this, vodka is a good solution (pun intended). Pregame like you’re about to go to a college tailgate, and ramble about your college years all you want. The more you word vomit, the less he has to speak. He’ll probably be scared off from a second date, but you won’t be bored out of your mind. It’s a win-win.
  4. He’s a total loser. For some reason, 99 percent of the attractive guys we meet online are complete douchebags. But if you think about it, that’s probably why he’s on Tinder in the first place — girls who know him in real life know he’s a douchebag, so he has to use his physique online to trick other girls into going out with him. Without alcohol, you’ll spend the entire night kicking yourself for falling for his cliche pickup line. With alcohol, though? You’ll be too drunk to notice he’s even there because you’ll be smashing on the free meal you just acquired. Completely worth it.
  5. He’s a try hard. You know those guys who do whatever it takes to try to impress a girl? The ones who push and push and push, and deny that you aren’t even remotely interested in them? Ugh, no thanks. If your date is trying way too hard to make you like him, you were probably turned off within the first five minutes of meeting up. But if you add alcohol, his inability to impress you starts to seem kind of endearing, like a little kid who just wants someone to be proud of the fact that he tied his own shoes this morning.
  6. He just wants to Netflix and chill. Literally any guy who does this on a first date is not only a moron, but a complete tool. If he assumes you’re DTF before you even meet up, he definitely doesn’t deserve to get laid. Instead of awkwardly scooting further away on the couch every time he inches closer, make a drinking game out of whatever you’re watching on Netflix: every time someone speaks, take a drink. Best case scenario, you get super sloppy drunk and call Uber for a ride home. Worst case, you throw up on his couch and call Uber for a ride home.
  7. He “forgets” his wallet. It’s not that you expect him to pay for you on the first date — you just don’t expect him to make YOU pay for both of you. Normally, you’d probably just fake smile and pay the bill, because OMG, how embarrassed would you be if you had to tell the server you can’t pay for your meal?! If you’re drunk though, you can give him a cute giggle and tell him you’re going to run to the ladies’ room to pee before you pay and head out — and then you get the hell out of there before he realizes you’ve been gone for 20 minutes.
  8. He doesn’t have a plan. Not a life plan, but a plan for the evening. He honestly thinks it’s okay to pick you up and just go wherever the night takes you? Uh, no. You need to know what restaurant you’ll be at, where you’re going after, and what time you’ll be home, otherwise he could murder you and bury you in the woods, and nobody would even know where to start looking because you couldn’t tell your roommate where he was taking you on your date. Best way to combat those nerves? Two or three shots. Maybe six, if you think you’ll need it. Going out is fun when you’re drunk, because anywhere you go is always an adventure. (But go ahead and check his car for a shovel, just to be safe.)
Kristan is a 24-year-old blogger from the cornfields of Terre Haute, Indiana. She spends her days working in accounting, and her nights trying to change the world with her words. You can find her on Instagram and Twitter @kristangible, or read her blog at